Does Anyone Else Get Fed Up With Being A Stepmum?

[SadSamAgain]

I know this is going to sound really stupid and you are all probably going to think differently of me now, but does anyone else get totally fed up with being the more insignificant part of a 2nd family?

Most of you already know my situation, but in case you dont, I am living with DP who has 3 children from previous relationship SS (17), SS (8) and SD (7). I have no children of my own. They all live over 200 miles away and because of the distance (fuel costs etc) we only see them once a month. I know most of you would probably think, hey result, only once a month what is she whingeing about?

Lately, however, I am getting increasingly miserable about the whole situation. Before it was because DP didnt want any more kids, but now that he has agreed we can start trying for a baby next year, this has improved a little. However, I am beginning to think this is not the main problem in our relationship anymore. I do not feel as euphoric as I thought I would about having a baby, I am beginning to feel as though everything is getting me down and it all seems to stem from the same things, DP's past and his children.

We have no money for anything for myself/ourselves. Every scrap of money we have goes on his children. The CSA (£350 per month), the fuel costs on over a 700 mile round trip each month (over £100), the money spent on the kids each time we have them (between £100 and £150), taking them away in the summer (£700 this year and that was just hiring a static caravan in Cornwall). Not to mention other things like Solicitors fees to get regular monthly access to kids (£600 so far), mediation charges (if solicitor insists we go ahead) of £70 per session (min of 6 sessions recommended), Christmas presents to buy etc. etc. etc. All this on top of a £900 per month mortgage, £200 per month council tax etc. etc. I just dont know how we are going to cope.

On top of this lately we have had no time to ourselves. We had the kids for a week at the beginning of August, then we had them for another week last week, this weekend we are going to see eldest boy up north who has just joined the Army and has a parents day (BM apparently doesnt think it is important enough for her to go) costing us for a B & B for the night. The following weekend we have the kids again for their once monthly visit for September. I know we dont have them much and it is just because of the summer that it has seemed a lot, but it has all got on top of me and I feel I have no time or money to do anything that I want to do. We got back from having kids on Sunday evening and on Monday I wanted to go shopping for something to wear for parents evening on Saturday, but DP didnt want to do anything. He just wants to sit and watch TV as we have been so busy for the past few weeks. I however, would have thought it nice if we could have maybe gone out for a meal, gone to the cinema, maybe had a picnic, anything that only involved the 2 of us spending quality time together. He was having none of it, and I therefore spent a miserable bank holiday Monday at home doing washing, ironing etc. He didn't even want to go food shopping so we ended up having boiled eggs for tea as that was all we had in! Since BM has now said that we have to have the kids for 2 weeks in August and week at Christmas, we both now have no holidays left and even if we could afford it are not going to be able to have a holiday on our own, not even at home. If this stays the same each year, do we never have a holiday on our own? When we did have a week away last year, we got slagged off big time for going away on our own and not taking the kids. Is it really so unreasonable to want to have time off on our own when we work 50 hours a week each in very stressful jobs?

It's the same with Christmas, I cannot visit my family (they moved last year and live 160 miles away) as from Boxing Day until January 3rd we have been told we have to have the kids. This means that apart from Christmas Day (we both work Christmas Eve) we will have no time together on our own, or time to see my family. We wont even be able to go out on New Years Eve. This has now been the case for the last 2 years! I feel so suffocated, I feel as though I am unable to live MY life and I am always living DP'S life. I know it's not his fault and it is certainly not the kids fault, but I fee like I have nothing of my own and nothing to look forward to.

I know that I knew his situation before I went out with him, but when you are newly in love, everything seems so much easier. In the early days, he even stayed at BM's house to have them once a month (she stayed at her mums) and that didnt worry me.

Im sorry to go on, but I need to get all this off my chest and I would appreciate some straight, honest opinions as to whether I am being unreasonable or whether I am just not cut out to be a stpmum. I'm beginning to think it is the latter and considering throwing in the towel!

BTW, I too have to work to keep the family afloat.

I moved 100 miles away from my ex, yep, he blames me for moving but I say that this is where my husband/dp lives, and my life is with him, like it or lump it.

BM tried to get dh to live in a caravan!! Yes, it's true. She had to have the money for the kids!! She has tried everything to stop us moving on as a couple. The courts have told her not to go there again and that dh has every right to live where he wants with whomever he wants.
Sorry, I don't want to poach. HUGE HUGS!!!
I will leave for now.

No Jojo you dont have to leave, it is so comforting to hear from people who are in the same / similar situation as me. You have all really cheered me up today. This morning I was honestly thinking of going home and packing my bags, but you have all given me something to stay for!

I think the "sitter" situation of the stepkids is a great idea, I just have to think how we can do it as neither of our families live near us. If we stay at DP's parents then they will look after them for us Im sure if we ask, but whether DP will Im not so sure!

Jojo bloody cheek of BM to expect DH to live in a caravan, who does she think she is? Glad the courts sorted it out.

Our BM also started blaming DP for moving so far away, he moved here for his job - when you are in the forces and only earning £14k and then you have a chance to move and earn £24k you take it dont you?

Sigh - it is soooooo hard!

Hi Sam, sorry your day started badly, glad to read you're feeling a little better now

To answer the question on the thread - blimey YES! Boy do I get fed up with being a stepmum! I think we all do at times. I don't know about anyone else but I sometimes feel that I get a lot of the problems of having children, an awful lot of the expense and very few of the pleasures. I agree with you that stepmums without children of their own will find it much harder than those who have children - there aren't many of us stepmums without our own children around chuck! I really think, although I try not to dwell on it because if I did I'd probably crack up, that if I had known how I was going to feel about it I don't know if I would have got involved with someone who has children

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself saying that you wonder if you're cut out to be a stepmum - I often feel like that and I'm sure other stepmums do too. Have you ever said this to your DP? I have and he always reassures me that I'm doing fine and he's really proud of me . My own situation though is nowhere near as bad as yours - my dsd, although spoilt and sometimes talks to her dad like you wouldn't believe (yes I know - they all do this sometimes)is generally a good, polite kid and we get on well. I have to say if I was in your situation I would have to question if this was what I wanted out of life, but only you can make this decision, and only you know how much you love your DP - after all you've come this far under extremely difficult circumstances and I for one take my hat off to you

One last thing to make you giggle (stolen from a thread I read a couple of weeks ago): children are like farts - you can just about cope with your own but other people's are unbearable

NAAM - Thank you so much for your kind words and PMSL at the children fart joke, that made me laugh so much I was crying!

I agree, if I am totally honest I dont think I would have got with DP if I had known how bloody hard it was going to be. However, what is done is done and I cant just fall out of love with him. The only thing that worries me is that if it is this hard after 3 years, how hard will it be in another 3 years, 10 years etc?

You hit the nail on the head, having stepchildren (in some but granted not all cases) is like having the responsibility of children, the expense, all the bad bits without many of the good bits! I can so relate to that, and you are right without a child of your own I do think it is harder. Most 2nd families of mine and DPs age (35 and 39) invariably have step children to consider but normally the other partner will also have children of their own and if not then normally the 2nd family decides to have a child together. I just feel like all the odds have been stacked against me a bit. It isnt any one thing it is culmanation of everything!

That is all I am doing lately is thinking about whether this is what I really want. I love my DP with all my heart but wish (very selifishly I know) that it could just be the two of us and that we could live "our own" life instead of just living "his life". I cant imagine life without him, but I am so unhappy a lot of the time, and I dont know what it will take to change that. I know I cant magic his kids away, and I wouldnt want to, but I can only see things getting worse.

I talk to DP all the time and tell him, but it always ends up in an argument and I end up feeling like poo. I think that he thinks I am being selfish although he doesnt say it. I am made to feel like there isnt a proble, and to be fair, there isnt - FOR HIM.

I think it's your DP who's being selfish not you! There's nothing wrong with wanting a night/day out occasionally, wanting a bit of time and money for just the two of you and wanting to do what YOU want to do sometimes. After all, you spend more than enough of your time, money and effort on him and his children and life shouldn't be just about giving - you should be able to take sometimes too without feeling guilty or selfish for wanting to do so

You're right, of course, in saying you can't just fall out of love with him. I can understand your worries about how you'll feel in years to come but one good thing is that there will come a time when your DP is not financially responsible for his children - albeit a few years off at the moment

You deserve to be happy and you have a lot to offer to someone. I'm not suggesting you should leave him - only you can make the decision to do that or otherwise - but no-one should have to spend a lot of their life feeling down

oh dear sadsamagain, I know where you are coming from, I HATE being a stepmum some of the time, it is bloody hard work, far harder then being a parent of "natural" children, as others have said it is not just the kids it is all the other stuff you have to deal with. I read your post just after having a huge argument re the skids, and how I get fed up being the one who does the mrs nasty re homework, bedtimes etc. (BM is hopless at such things)I think most of us who do the impossible job of caring and loving others peoples kids feel unhappy some/most of the time. Goodness knows why we do it.You are doing a fantastic job, and your DP should and probably is proud of how you do it. I dont have any answers re the time etc issues. All I can say is I do know how you feel, not sure if that is a help.

Me too! Me too! This job is tougher than tough. I am SM to a 10 yr old boy who refused to see me for 7 months whilst I was pregnant. Completly understood as I was a nasty cow when my mum was pregnant with my Step Dad (who is lovely).
I thought it would be a hell of a lot easier than it is because i'm a teacher and a stepkid myself. Boy was I wrong!
DP split with his X when DS was less than 1 yr old. She decided she didn't want anything to do with her son or DP, but decided that DP couldn't see hem either. Eventually she formally signed over custordy to her mum, who fought through the courts to allow DP to see his son.
Since then, everything has very much been on the X's mums terms. When she feels like it, she will stop DP from seeing his son by saying 'he's busy or tired' or not picking up the phone. She demands money at the click of her fingers. We pay for all his clothes and parties and football (etc) courses. Her daughter (DP's X - if your following) pays for nothing.
Whoever said that being a stepmum is like being blamed for all the shit but not getting any cuddles is exactly how i feel. Especially when I find myself thinking - we colud do that with DSS' or ' Dss would really like that.
I'm not even sure if it was DSS who didnt want to see me or if it was her forbidding him.
On top of the fact that we have never had much contact and what relationship we did have was damaged.
On the positive side, relations between all parties seem to be improving.
Dont know how this rant was supposed to help. (confused emoticon)But no, you're not the only one thinking that. x

Hello everyone i am new to this site and have a bit of a problem i am not a step mum or anything, but my partner is step dad to my two kids.
Everything has been ok so far but now we are having a baby together things have gone from bad to worse. Suddenly my kids especially my boy are being blamed for things all the time. it came as a blow and a shock when he said that the kids made him feel sick when they ate (because they ate with their mouths open and made a noise). I have never noticed this & but only last month my daughter had her adonoids and tonsils out so she couldnt physically breathe out of her nose.

I just feel that I have to get the kids out of the way before he gets home which lukcily is normally late, so we go upstairs read loads of books and chill out together.

The new baby is imminent now and I dont know what the heck to do but one thing i do know is that I will not sacrafice my kids for a man and if this new baby doesnt live with her dad then that wil have to be that case.

I feel like a referee half the time and one thing that I have pointed out to him that if this new baby is anything like her older brother and sister then I would be proud as anything because they are great kids.

Could anyone offer me any advice out there

Sadsam, NO,NO, NO!!! I WILL NOT CALL YOU SADSAM AGAIN!!!!!!!!

I hope you ae feeling better, your not being unreasonable.

Hugs.

Hi nikkinoo
Id be fairly upset by that too. Do you think that your partner might change his attitude a bit after the baby comes? There's nothing like changing a few pooey nappies for getting rid of inhibitions.
If he doesn't change, then I think you have got your priorities right, and your children have a great mother.

Hi all you other step mums,

I've been a step mum for 10 years, and it does get better over time. The bitchy comments and extreme stress over situations that blow up out of nothing etc, all that calms down. Even the money side of things got better, as BM thought DH wasn't paying enough so went to the CSA, who acctually reduced the amount of money he pays.
We've been through all the court cases,several, over the years and as we had no money for a soliciter, DH handled the cases himself and won every one, but it was all very stressful at the time and we hadn't been together very long. Many times I wanted to walk away, but I loved DH so much, and had this gut feeling that we were meant for each other.
StepDD was a baby when we met, so luckily all the sh*t went on long before she was able to understand, and has grown up seeing her parents just being pleasent to each other.
This may seem like an ideal situation to some of you but, I'm still not realy happy with my relationship with stepDD.We like each other and we get on, I've seen her grow up, but there is no real closeness between us. Over the years I'm the one who has planned days out,bought birthday/christmas presents, juggled our weekends so everyone is happy and gone without through lack of time to fit in what I've wanted to do, but I never seem to get any recognition for this off DH or StepDD.
I've never received a birthday/xmas present/card off stepDD "because it would upset her BM".
She is after all an 11yo child who is perfectly capable,of going out and buying a present for anyone she wants.
In many ways we are lucky, I've now got 6yo twin DS's, who love StepDD, and they all get on very well.
We even spent sometime on holiday together this year, including BM, our holidays, sort of overlaped so the kids were able to have great fun together.So things are still moving forward, but I feel being a stepmum is just a no win situation.