Does Anyone Else Get Fed Up With Being A Stepmum?

[SadSamAgain]

I know this is going to sound really stupid and you are all probably going to think differently of me now, but does anyone else get totally fed up with being the more insignificant part of a 2nd family?

Most of you already know my situation, but in case you dont, I am living with DP who has 3 children from previous relationship SS (17), SS (8) and SD (7). I have no children of my own. They all live over 200 miles away and because of the distance (fuel costs etc) we only see them once a month. I know most of you would probably think, hey result, only once a month what is she whingeing about?

Lately, however, I am getting increasingly miserable about the whole situation. Before it was because DP didnt want any more kids, but now that he has agreed we can start trying for a baby next year, this has improved a little. However, I am beginning to think this is not the main problem in our relationship anymore. I do not feel as euphoric as I thought I would about having a baby, I am beginning to feel as though everything is getting me down and it all seems to stem from the same things, DP's past and his children.

We have no money for anything for myself/ourselves. Every scrap of money we have goes on his children. The CSA (£350 per month), the fuel costs on over a 700 mile round trip each month (over £100), the money spent on the kids each time we have them (between £100 and £150), taking them away in the summer (£700 this year and that was just hiring a static caravan in Cornwall). Not to mention other things like Solicitors fees to get regular monthly access to kids (£600 so far), mediation charges (if solicitor insists we go ahead) of £70 per session (min of 6 sessions recommended), Christmas presents to buy etc. etc. etc. All this on top of a £900 per month mortgage, £200 per month council tax etc. etc. I just dont know how we are going to cope.

On top of this lately we have had no time to ourselves. We had the kids for a week at the beginning of August, then we had them for another week last week, this weekend we are going to see eldest boy up north who has just joined the Army and has a parents day (BM apparently doesnt think it is important enough for her to go) costing us for a B & B for the night. The following weekend we have the kids again for their once monthly visit for September. I know we dont have them much and it is just because of the summer that it has seemed a lot, but it has all got on top of me and I feel I have no time or money to do anything that I want to do. We got back from having kids on Sunday evening and on Monday I wanted to go shopping for something to wear for parents evening on Saturday, but DP didnt want to do anything. He just wants to sit and watch TV as we have been so busy for the past few weeks. I however, would have thought it nice if we could have maybe gone out for a meal, gone to the cinema, maybe had a picnic, anything that only involved the 2 of us spending quality time together. He was having none of it, and I therefore spent a miserable bank holiday Monday at home doing washing, ironing etc. He didn't even want to go food shopping so we ended up having boiled eggs for tea as that was all we had in! Since BM has now said that we have to have the kids for 2 weeks in August and week at Christmas, we both now have no holidays left and even if we could afford it are not going to be able to have a holiday on our own, not even at home. If this stays the same each year, do we never have a holiday on our own? When we did have a week away last year, we got slagged off big time for going away on our own and not taking the kids. Is it really so unreasonable to want to have time off on our own when we work 50 hours a week each in very stressful jobs?

It's the same with Christmas, I cannot visit my family (they moved last year and live 160 miles away) as from Boxing Day until January 3rd we have been told we have to have the kids. This means that apart from Christmas Day (we both work Christmas Eve) we will have no time together on our own, or time to see my family. We wont even be able to go out on New Years Eve. This has now been the case for the last 2 years! I feel so suffocated, I feel as though I am unable to live MY life and I am always living DP'S life. I know it's not his fault and it is certainly not the kids fault, but I fee like I have nothing of my own and nothing to look forward to.

I know that I knew his situation before I went out with him, but when you are newly in love, everything seems so much easier. In the early days, he even stayed at BM's house to have them once a month (she stayed at her mums) and that didnt worry me.

Im sorry to go on, but I need to get all this off my chest and I would appreciate some straight, honest opinions as to whether I am being unreasonable or whether I am just not cut out to be a stpmum. I'm beginning to think it is the latter and considering throwing in the towel!

i did hate being a step mum, the constant calls and bitching and xw talking to dp as if i aint there and it was me who looks after sd as dp is always working, final straw came when she came to stay and told her bm i hadnt fed her and my dd which was bollocks but she called dp and told him i wasnt fit to have kids i got upset as we didnt even have the cooker plumbed in so i couldnt actually cook anything, i went next door and asked neighbour to cook them something and rang dp and told him what i thought of him, xw and sd i then told sd that if she dont like me i will not be there when she comes to stay, not to tell tales to her mum, and that if she wants something she has to tell me because i am not a mind reader,. i then burst into tears as i had had a shit week cos my grandad had died and i was really upset that i couldnt make the funeral. from that point on the whole situation changed. we had some sm and sd time and we are all good now. she even turned her fone off so her mother couldnt call non stop, she is a great kid and i love her to bits and i think most of it is her bm, and what makes it harder is it is dp sd as well but as he has brought her up since she was almost 3 (7 now).
you are not the only one but it will get better

Hey Sadsam!! Don't dismay. You are not alone... far from it hun. I HATE being a step mum. What makes it worse is the fact that when Dh and I got together, I said I would be - PROUD- to be step mum to his kids! No way.. I must have been drunk! Not only that, being a step mum also entails having to put up with the from BM, the EX.

You have read and replied to my recent message about the holiday? Well, read a bit more. You can get more of an insight.

Money is and always will be an issue with second families - combined, mixed, united, whatever you want to call them. I fall into the HELL-family catagory.
DP's/DH's are far too lenient... as mine is. So flippin soft in the head that he won't do the obvious because he is frightened of hurting his kids and pushing them away. TOO late as far as I am concerned. And, besides, if all his kids want him for is money, they can go jump. That's all they want him for anyway!!

BM's will always brainwash their kids to their way of thinking... even if it is evil.

I have NEVER felt so alone as I do since I have been with my dh. I have never had such a harrowing rollercoaster ride as I have over the past 5 yrs... I have "hated" every bit of it.

Why do we stay??? I don't know. In my case it is that I am too loyal, too easy, too worried that my own children will suffer if I do. What is the answer - I am not sure there are any.

I have been told that "if you are not happy, get out... go find happiness". Is it better the devil we know, I wonder?

You are not being unreasonable. I honestly think that some stepmums are so lucky to have it all. No hassles. There are those (like you and me) who are handed the c* that's left and we are so gullible that we accept that this is all there is. We are used and abused.

I don't like it either.

I noticed that someone had posted a link to the British Second Wives Club. I have been there and it looks pretty good. I am subscribing. I did belong to the "Second Wives Club" a while back and found that they were brilliant. This one seems to cover all aspects of being with stepkids, money, the ex, dp/dh etc... I am going to give it a go anyway.

This place is brill but sometimes we need to know we are not alone.

You are not. It doesn't make it much better though, does it?

Sorry if there isn't a magic wand in there hun. Just a huge hug and loads of understanding.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Sam. First of all I was pleased to hear about the baby plans but I understand how you're feeling now, once the euphoria wears off you realise this is how life if going to be, and it's never going to be a neat nuclear family set up with 'quality time' and so on. Only you can decide if it's for you. Life is great with a new baby but it will still include all the rest of dp's family. You may find it helps to carve a somewhat independent role out for yourself in order to make sure you get to do the things you want (shopping, visiting family, whatever). I know how you feel in many ways, we just had two hungry teenagers for the week and dp was making a big effort to look after them (I was too) but when it came to the Banks Holiday weekend and 'time for us' all he wanted to do was watch the cricket and read the paper, (so did I, secretly, but discontented fantasies of happy families on the beach with picnic baskets kept intruding lol). You need to look at things realistically rather than at how you'd like them to be and come to a decision.

Personally never understand why all these situations aren't sorted out before you move in together.

Men seem to go straight into another relationship and when the honeymoon period drifts off and you are commited then it suddenly realise children are in the equation.

I would no way move in with a man until he was 100 percent happy with his relationship with my kids and vice versa.

I am obviously looking it from the otherside of the coin. But i was appalled when my x moved in with someone without my children bonding with her. I am also appalled he is getting married without everything being settled. I have a very strong feeling his wife will be moaning after a year of marriage and she realises the dynamics of having a partner with children.

Me again.

Clare, I am so sorry to hear you have had an awful time recently. So sorry to hear of your loss too. Chin up hun. You seem to be a strong individual.

Ninah, your advice is great. It seems we all are given rosey coloured glasses when we come into these relationships... then the tint wears off!

Sadsam... one thing I forgot. It is good that you are thinking of a family/baby of your own. Of course it is... all I will mention - advise is that you think before you dive in. You are right to say what you have said about this not being your main problem. I am sure you have your head screwed on the right way. If you do not have kids of your own, you are bound to have a maternal urge to have them. (Some women don't). I just say, make sure it is with the right man, in the right situation for baby and you.
I did discuss having another child with my dh, but decided against the idea. It is definitely not the right situ, nor the right man. It may have been different if he hadn't children already. I could see so many problems ahead.

You should have children if this is what you both want. Congrats if this is the case!!!

HUGS

Fairyfly.. if only things were as simple as you have obviously been lucky enough to encounter.

(sigh) I am sure I am not the only one envying you right now.

Hugs

fairyfly, it's not always as easy as 'sort the issues out before you move in'. Thinking you know how the situation will be in theory before you 'settle', often bears no relation to the reality of it, not matter how well you get on with the children or their absent parent.

FWIW, SadSam. Being a step-parent is hard. Really bloody hard sometimes. We get all the crappy aspects of parenting with less of the cosy cuddles side. We have to do the schlepping the kids around, we have to do the responsibility side of things, the having to put the kids first, and yet often we get very few thanks for it.

I am mainly talking about the women who don't even know the kids and don't even know how to talk to them.

I realise all stepmums are not the same.

Nothing to be envious of i'm afraid.

It's not always the men, FF. My dh's x asked him to leave and moved another man in on the same weekend, who then became the new Dad to her 3 children. They'd only met him once. She then stopped dh seeing his dd (only 1 child was his) and it took him 2 years to fight through to courts to re-establish contact.

Hi Claire, JoJo and Ninah, thank you all for your supporting comments and understanding. Thank you also to Fairyfly from seeing things from another perspective.

Fairyfly everything seemed fine in the beginning and to be honest most of this shit has only happened in the last year. BM had some "personal" problems including an abusive boyfriend and alcohol related problems. She then all of a sudden turned very nasty. She has been a nasty bitch since they split 6 years ago, however it was only in small bursts when she was drunk and felt like having someone to moan at. Since then all hell broke loose and she decided that as she couldnt have DP (they were seperated 3 years before we met and she finished it) then she would hit us where it hurts, the kids emotional state and our pocket. She has manipulated the kids big time, subjecting them to lies and psychological cruelty and as a result they are not that friendly or lovey with DP or me anymore. She has called solictors in to arrange access as she thinks visiting once a month isnt enough (she has no idea of the "real world" and what it is like to work, distance of travel, fuel costs etc.) This has not cost her a penny as she gets legal aid (even though she is working on the side) but is costing us a fortune. I actually got on ok with her in the first couple of years, but it is now like she has lost the plot.

I love the kids as though they were my own, but the access situation, money situation, solicitors etc. have only really happened in the last year and to be honest, you are totally right, if I could have pre-empted it then would I be in this situation? - No bloody way! I was 100% happy, we both were, but now it is one obstacle after another, and to be honest I think that she is going to succeed in what she has been trying to do which is split us up! I know you are seeing it from the other side of the coin, but unless you are a stepmum and maybe have no biological kids of your own I dont believe you can entirely understand.

I have and still do want to be a good stepmum to those kids and for us to be a happy 2nd family, but it is very hard when someone is intent on making your life and impossible hell!

Being a stepmum is the pits sometimes. You get all the blame for everything that is horrible and daddy gets all the praise and love for all the nice stuff.

something that hit me straight away when I read your post, is that you place a big emphasis on 'time on our own', It is lovley to have time on your own together especially when you both have busy jobs, but if this is so important to you, why are you planning a baby becuase time on your own will be nothing but a distant dream then!

do you look upon the children as 'his' or as 'ours'? When dh married me, I already had 3 children, and from that day they have been described as 'ours'. I need to know that he loves them as if they were his own (and I beleive he does) because all four of them mean so much to me. I know that our situation is different as they live with us, but it really sould be a case of 'love me, love my children' if you are planning a long term future and a family together.

I realise its not always the men.

That sounds like the way i get described.

I will leave the thread, all circumstances are different and it is impossible to actually know what is going on with all sides.

Good luck, i hope peace is achieved.

Hi Sam. Sorry it's all getting a bit too much for you right now. It just all sounds so stressful, and I wonder if it's the stress of the situation that's making it difficult rather than the reality. No sure if I've explained that very well. What I mean is maybe if the x was pleasant and reasonable, they weren't so far away, etc it would all seem much more manageable.

We're currently in calm waters with BM and long may it last, and I've realised that that is what really makes the difference for me. I love dsd to bits and really enjoy having her here. WHat makes the whole thing hard for me is when BM is being unreasonable and spiteful I then start to find things difficult.

If I can give you some hope, lots of what you talk about we've had with BM and I never thought I'd say this, but things have really, really calmed down now. I honestly don't know what changed for her, but something did and things are much better now. DH was even offered to have dsd for an extra weekend recently - a long way from "I don't want you ever seeing her"! Hang on in there and maybe once the court case is sorted things might settled down.

Surfermum, that is terrible. How disgusting can people get!! I can't imagine what you and your dh/dp have been thro! I can't imagine what the courts must have thought either! What a terrible thing!

Glad things are sorted now tho. I bet it's still hard?

Hugs

This is only hearsay, not necessarily for everyone, but just an example, so don't beat me up!!

FF, A lot of lets say, "eligible men" of a certain age are married, have been married, have had a "certian relationship" in their lives.
These men are seen at first glance, to a single woman, are seen as stable, strong and at most times, solvent. (mine wasn't). For alot of women who are "looking" for security, love, a second chance perhaps, these men look strong and able to "protect".
At first, the relationship for both partners are nervous, tense, both are trying their best to impress and like/get to know eachother. We all of us portray the best to "attract" another, no matter who we are or who we are trying to impress/attract. It doesn't matter if we are single or have children, been married, have a previous relationship. It's the same all over. Whether it's for an interview, meeting, animals in a mating season, we all of us put on our best to attract and to remain attracted/ive.

Life would be simple if we put our cards on the table before the attraction scenario takes place, but should we do that, how many of us would run a mile before reaching the next hurdle of life?

I am not alone in envying the simplicity of life itself FF.

If you are one of the lucky ones who have placed your cards on the table, been happy with what you see, forsee the future to an extent that you are happy with what is on the cards for the next 10 years, then yes, I do envy you. With all my heart I do.

I am sure that is not what you meant. I just wanted to clarify what it is that I meant.

HUGS

Lilibet, I see the children as "my stepchildren" and when they are with us they are "ours". Unfotunately, once again it is a slightly different situation as I presume your kids live with you and your DH? My stepchildren live nearly 200 miles away with their BM and I am sure that if they lived locally to us that things would be a bit better.

With regards to your comment on having a baby, I know that our life will be manic with a baby of my own, but at least that baby will be mine, something that evolves around me and us instead of just DP and his family! I have very little love, affection, attention from my stepchildren and I would love to feel what it is like to be a mum and be loved! I know that is not the reason to have a baby and it is not, I have always wanted kids and I am 35 in a few months time, so its not like Im wanting it for the sake of it!

I think the more I read this, the more I think it must be me that has the problem, I cant help how I feel, but perhaps I should just be thankful for having a DP who loves me and not expect too much out of life.

Thank you to everyone else who replied, sorry if I havent given you an individual reply. Clare I meant to say sorry to hear about what you have been through of late - sorry I was selfish and didnt mention it first off.

I think you are right Sadsamagain, we do share the same bm!

It took 5yrs for my bm to calm down and stop the threats and trying to knock our door down, threatening to call the police etc... I think it is a state of mourning for bms. It took me about the same time to "get over" my ex. I admit that I still "hate" him and think of many vengeful thoughts. Certainly less now than it used to be. I never acted on them tho... I think I am a bit different from usual scorned women... I hope I am!!

How long is it since you and dp got together. Has she got a partner/remarried?

My BM hasn't got a job, never has kept one, she hasn't got a partner - mainly because she is uncertain of her own sexuality. She did have a man and he lived with her, but we can't prove it coz he left her too.

My dh is still bitter about it all but we are making moves to overcome the hurt. She just keeps going and keeps going. I said it had calmed down but she does it every year, it seems an interval of calm then she rears her ugly head once more. I personally don't think my bm will ever stop. She blames dh for everything... even for breathing.

All I can do is sit and listen. If I get wound up over it, dh gets angry because it seems I don't understand. (Perhaps I understand too well).

Sounds like you do need some you time. Can you get a sitter and go out for a few evenings. It doesnt' have to be expensive either. A romantic time I will never forget is eating chips out of paper, sheltering from the pouring rain outside a chipshop! I know it sounds daft, but it was romantic at the time.

Go get it girl.. you time. You both need it. You both deserve it.

Hugs

Thank you Surfermum, I know you have been here for me pretty much from the start and know my situation entirely! You have been a good buddy thanks!

Hi Tarantula and NomDePlume, you are both spot on in your comments, I couldnt have said it any better myself!

Jojo, what you have just said is amazing, It really clarified things.

Hey, no problem that's what we're here for.

Sorry cant stop to chat much Theyre expecting me to work again. GITS. Ill try get back to thsi later.

me again.. it doesnt' matter who's children they are when they are with you... it is wonderful to hear that they are "yours" when they are.

I am not sure but I think it would be good for you and for the children to see that Dp is putting you first occasionally, even when they are there with you. Get a sitter. Go out. Even just for an hour. Show the kids and BM that your life goes on even when the skids are there.

You will feel better about your dp too, and he will feel proud that he has made you feel good. What's the harm when the skids are tucked up anyway? Prove it to yourselves. You can do it.

Sorry to go on btw... I am sure we are living parallel lives!!!

Surfermum, your comment about the ex is totally true. I do believe that things wouldnt be so bad if she wasnt so nasty, if the kids didnt live so far away etc. etc. We just seem to spend all our time at the moment travelling and it is so tiring on top of everything else.

Jojo, yes our BMs do sound like the same person, perhaps they are related lol! DP and BM split up over 6 years ago, she had a bit of a hissy fit one day (poss post natal) and kicked him out. He got with someone else a few months later and I dont think she expected it as then she wanted him back. We have been together 3 years and as I said in the beginning things were fine.

With regards to "Us" time fish and chips in paper sound great! We never go out except when we have the kids (mainly cos we cant afford it). We dont have to worry about a "sitter" though as we dont have kids of our own and stepchildren live with their mum 200 miles away! We definately do need some time to ourselves, but if we havent got the kids then we are working and it is so hard!

Tarantula - How dare they expect you to work again! lol

Outrageous Tarantula! Maybe we should start a new thread "Does anyone get fed up with having to work for a living" .

I sadsam, I do mean for you to go out for an hour especially when the skids are there. They have to know, as well as dp and bm, and of course yourself that when they are there, life for you doesn't stop.. infact it gets better, or different, however you like to look at it. But the rest of them NEED to know that you are still part of this family and a major part of dp's life. He needs to know it too.

Hugs