Help us come up with a bluffer's guide to the World Cup (please!)

[CatherineHMumsnet]

Knowledge is power, and as the start of the World Cup edges ever closer, we'd like to create a Mumsnet powerbase of phrases/facts to come out with whenever there's a match on. The kind that'll amply demonstrate our clear understanding of the game.

So who'll get the ball rolling

Hester
My German DH maintains that the Germans play a one goal strategy. After they are one goal up they retreat into their own half and try to stop the other team scoring.

Use 'it's a Big Ask' at every opportunity. This will probably not get you a shag by the end of the evening...

England will go out in Quarter/Semi-finals yes, most probably on penalties. BUT there will always have been a cheating opposition player (think handballed goal, overdramatic afer tackles to get player sent off) and/or a partisan referee.

So we never really feel that we deserve to go out, despite only barely making it to that stage.

loving the shoe analogy for the offside rule

Mmelindt, I agree, Italian team normally very hot, have a big fondness for Luca Toni.

England will lose their first two games; the tabloids will call for Capello's head on a plate and a spear up his arse.

Some games later, when they have pulled it back, the tabloid will call for his Knighthood.

Remember that Campos the Mexican goalkeeper who used to play in fancy multicoloured jerseys has retired and the chap they have now appears to be not as good, on last night's showing.

Portugal only stand a chance if Cristiano Ronaldo remains fit, but if he's in the team, there's always a chance of a spectacular goal.

Capello prefers a 4-4-2 system, although it's proving difficult to decide who to play up front with Rooney, and he may still opt to play him up front as a lone striker, following his successful season in that position at Manchester Utd.

Very basic stuff to know:

England are in Group C, with USA, Algeria and Slovenia.

England fans don't want Argentina or Germany to win (or, increasingly, Portugal).

Scottish people support whoever is playing England.

Irish fans will be boo-ing France (especially Henry) ate every opportunity.

Oh, and don't get so carried away with it all and do what I did in 2002 watching England and kindly suggested to DS that he stopped walking in front of the TV.

It took me a couple of seconds to realise it was the first time he had stood and walked by himself - ever. He was 14 months

It also seems necessary to shout: "FFS referee" every five minutes, according to my experience living with DP.

Hester

Whenever there is a big match on, it is time to go shopping. The car parks are empty and the shoe shops open - hurrah!

If anyone wonders where Ireland are, shout:

"Its a traversty!!" Loudly and every opportunity, especially when France are playing.

If England do get through the semi finals they are likely to meet Brazil - where they will probably lose!

A few things to ask DH:

Do you think Capellos is right to use 4-4-2 or should he play Gerrard just off the strikers?

Do you think Ledley King's knee will last the tournament?

Don't you think it would be great if Motty was still commentating on the World Cup games?

at Lenin

How're you gonna cope now you're back at work, Len?

I have an evil plan to invite my workmates round to hold meetings in front of the telly

Actually, maybe they will all be evening matches, being hot and all. What's the time difference?

[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN1WN0YMWZU "We"] is a term with flexible meaning when football is on.

Bugger

Oh, so that's who you are Eleanor...

That's a bloody good name Eleanor . Who are you then?