Help us come up with a bluffer's guide to the World Cup (please!)

[CatherineHMumsnet]

Knowledge is power, and as the start of the World Cup edges ever closer, we'd like to create a Mumsnet powerbase of phrases/facts to come out with whenever there's a match on. The kind that'll amply demonstrate our clear understanding of the game.

So who'll get the ball rolling

I have a good tip - hide the remote (obviously only works if you put something different on tv first)

I'm with Saltire (although DH hates 'fubble' so I'm a lucky, lucky lady)

Pray it doesn't go to penalties and hope that the camera pans often to David Beckham looking gorgeous in a suit.

Ahem.

Some of us are not footie bluffers. Some of us actually like the blardy stuff. You're gonna have to pay me now for my sage insights.

I recommend Leningrad and Squonk and Pan (though god forbid I have to be on the same panel as him) as fellow pundits should you require us.

You just need to subscribe to the service here.

Oh nooooo.... no offence to those who do actually like it, but I was hoping MN would be a football-free zone. DH doesn't like football and I never normally have to put up with it, but I suspect that he will make an exception for the World Cup [sigh]

I don't want to "amply demonstrate my clear understanding of the game" I want to have "know nothing of football, care even less" tattooed across my forehead for the duration.

Oh, but it's you we NEED, WillShelf!

Please do give us some gems - or MNHQ will have to put up with my World Cup-isms all June.

Offside Rule for girls.

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The 'opposing' female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

I mark the changing of the seasons as to whether DH is glued to the tv watching football, rugby, or cricket. Of the three, I dislike football the most, and DH knows this. Don't really understand why I would pretend to know about something I have no interest in at all

ENGLAND WILL NOT WIN.

We will almost certainly get to knockout stages, prob get knocked out in quarter-finals, maybe semis. Invaraibly on penalties.
This is right and fine, aand eqates with our placing in world ranking (we are 7th in world)

We Will NOT win.

Superb analogy, Custy.

Just read that out to Dh Custy, he replied "but thats what I've tried to tell you for yonks"

"you never mentioned shoes" I told him (humph)

Eleison I was about to suggest that too. Love LOVE The IT Crowd!

Football is a total mystery to me. The only contact I have with it is taking ds to football practise, handing him his drink and making him beans on toast afterwards

hahaha, that is brilliant custy.

You forgot the bit, though, that says you have to be intending to actually buy the shoes to be offside. If, perchance, your mate decides you really want them, but were busy whistling and looking out of the window near the till, knowing nothing about said shoes, the, um referee store detective would have to decide whether you were deliberately catching the purse to 'interfere' with the other woman's chances, or, um, accidentally standing there waiting for a random purse to bounce off your head.

Clear now?

you lost me.

I quite like football . I can recommend a couple of phrases

"Playing a long game" = kicking the ball as far as you can in the hope that one of your team will be able to run fast enough to get to it.

"Keeping it tight" = lots of little short passes between players of the same team, which results in them keeping hold of the ball (aka "possession").

You prefix either of these 2 phrases by "I can see that xxx (substitute name of team) is ....

If you drop in a quick 'Jeez, they really need to bring Wright-Phillips or Lennon on for a bit of width' when England are struggling or 'it's true, Lampard and Gerrard can't play together', you'll probably get a shag later on in the evening.

Every time David Beckham appears on screen, ask 'Is that Wayne Rooney?' Guaranteed to irritate.

Scotland aren't in it. Do not ask Scots if they will be supporting England instead.

Beat the pundits to it by dropping these established stereotypes into conversations, or play Bingo Balls:

However promising Spain look in the early rounds they will always bottle it in big games

All the African sides will be a joy to watch, exciting and exuberant, but lack discipline and fitness

Unlike Germany who play dour unattractive football with Teutonic discipline, and will be there at the end.

And of course the Brazilians play the beautiful game, no matter that you've just seen the Germans executing exactly the same move, it's only beautiful if accompanied by the yellow and green of Brasilia.

And of course: there are no easy games in international football, particularly not in this stage of the World Cup.

LOL at the Custy offside rule explanation. That is brilliant.

Don't ask if Ruud Guillit/Lothar Mattheus/Pele are still playing.

And don't remark that that the Italian team is definitely the best looking one, even if they do wear hairbands.