Got a question about helping your child’s emotional and cognitive development? Dr Kilbey answers your questions - £200 voucher to be won

[LucyBMumsnet]

Created for Barbie

This Q&A is now closed, read answers below

      - Everyone who shares a question on the thread below will be entered into a prize draw
      - One lucky Mumsnet user will win a <strong>£200 voucher</strong> for a store of their choice (from a list)
      - Dr Elizabeth will be back on 15th November to answer a selection of your questions

About Dr Elizabeth:
Dr Elizabeth is a Consultant Clinical Psychologist, specialising in working with children and young people. She works predominantly with children with complex neuro-developmental difficulties including Autism, ADHD and Learning Disabilities. Dr Elizabeth was the resident on-screen expert on Channel 4’s The Secret Life of 4, 5 & 6 Year olds and provided insight into the behaviour and psychological world of the children.

Here’s what Barbie have to say:
“We’ve always known that playing with dolls has a positive impact on children, but up until now, we’ve not had neuroscientific data that demonstrates these benefits. We teamed up with Cardiff University to investigate the benefits of play on children’s development. The findings of this research highlight that playing with dolls, such as Barbie, offers positive benefits in preparing children for the future through nurturing social skills like empathy. As we continue to inspire the limitless potential in every child, we are proud to offer dolls that encourage these skills.”

So whether you have a question about what you can do to help your children develop empathy, or how important is this for their emotional development and overall well being, post your question on this thread for Dr Elizabeth to answer.

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

Insight T&Cs apply

@hannahbjm

My child is very shy at school yet at home she doesnt stop talking! How do i encourage her social skills through play and that she doesnt need to be shy although I know that it is completely normal for a child.

Hi @hannahbjm,

You are right in saying that being shy can be very normal for children and not something to be overly worried about. It is also common for children to present differently at home and at school. Clearly, at home, your child feels very confident and able to express themselves, which is excellent. I suspect that, at school, there are also moments where your child is more communicative, perhaps at playtime or with familiar children. It might be helpful to think about ways of using role play at home to encourage your child to practice scenarios where they might feel less confident about speaking, or interacting, with others.

Using dolls as play characters to act out a scenario can be really helpful. Your child can use one of the dolls or characters to represent them and you could take on the role of other people. This provides a very safe way of trying out something that children may feel worried about and gives them the opportunity to offer different solutions so that, when they encounter this situation in the real world, they have already set of options of how to respond. You can also swap roles, and you play the role of your child. This gives them an insight in to how you see them and gives you the chance to portray their many positive qualities.

• Dr Elizabeth

@sharond101

How do I keep the emotional connection with a child who is getting older and no longer needs me as much.

Hi @sharond101,

This can be such a tough experience for all parents. We all want our children to grow up to be independent and autonomous, but it is also sad when we realise they don’t need us quite as much as they used to. It is really important to stay connected to your children at an emotional level, even when they need less practical support, particularly as they move into their teens. Finding ways to connect on their level and doing things that particularly interest them is a very important way of staying connected.

As parents, we’re very good at issuing lots of instructions and being very task focused, and that can be at the cost of finding time to spend doing things that are more rewarding for them. Even as children get older, finding ways to join them in ‘play’ is very important. That could be anything from dressing up, playing hide and seek, doing a craft activity, baking, playing card games, going on a bike ride or playing with toys/characters – anything that interests them. As they get older, this might mean showing more of an interest in their digital games; this is still very important as it provides the opportunity to build that vital emotional connection.

• Dr Elizabeth

@Bloatstoat

How can we encourage empathy between siblings? DS has just turned 6, DD is 2yrs.9months and they seem to alternately ignore each other or wind each other up and fight!

Hi @Bloatstoat,

Managing sibling dynamics is no easy task and can often be exactly as you have just described. Parents are left feeling as if they are refereeing between their children. Even for children with a wide age difference, it can be very beneficial to find activities that they can do together to build the strength of the relationship between them. This type of play needs to be sufficiently engaging for the older child to keep them interested, and easy enough for the younger child, so they can keep up. Therefore, character, or role play, games can be very good options because everyone can join in. You may need to help set up a scene or scenario, like a mystery to solve or a daring rescue to carry out and then see if they can achieve this by working together using their characters.

Remember to keep the play sessions quite short and be on hand to help if any friction arises. Being able to do this regularly will help to build their relationship and, hopefully, reduce conflict between them.

• Dr Elizabeth

@KeyboardWorriers

My son has an abundance of empathy, so much so that he is always putting others first. Is there a way to encourage a child to manage that, and balance their own needs and wants with the needs of others?.

Hi @KeyboardWorriers,

As with all things, balance is key. We understand that developing empathy skills for children is very important, but not at the cost of the individuals’ own needs. For some children, they are acutely aware of other people’ feelings and may be concerned about upsetting them. This leads to them not being able to assert their own needs, for fear of upsetting others.

It can be very helpful to encourage children such as this to be able to identify what their own wants and needs are. Often, they are so skilled are spotting other people’s feelings but much less good at identifying their own. And the first step in making sure you are able to meet your needs, is knowing what they are. So, questions such as, what would help you right now, or what would you like to do in this situation, can be great starting points.

• Dr Elizabeth

@BBLibra

What sort of age should I expect my little boy to start acknowledging his peers more? Still very focused on being close to me instead of playing and interacting with others.

Hi @BBLibra,

Children develop their peer relationship skills at different ages but, if this is something that you’re concerned about, it would be a good idea to discuss with his school as they can advise whether they see any concerns in the school setting. Outside of school, you can begin developing his relationship skills with other people by promoting play with other members of the family, or people within your social network. Initially, this could be with adults that he is familiar with as he may find this easier, and the adults can support the play to make sure he feels secure.

Make sure you stay close by, joining in the play yourself so that he is comfortable. Once he is more settled, you could gradually fade back so that he is playing more successfully with the other person. As he builds his confidence and skills, hopefully, these will transfer onto other children and he will begin to play with his peers more.

• Dr Elizabeth

@Donsav

My son who is 4 is very confident and has strong opinions over who he chooses to play with, I worry he doesn't consider other children's feelings sometimes, and they may end up getting upset. How can I teach him to include everyone in his play?

Hi @Donsav,

Even young children can have strong opinions about things, and that’s ok. We certainly don’t want to deter them from expressing themselves, but we also need to help them balance that with being able to take other people’s feelings in to account. When it comes to playing, most children have preferences and are drawn to other children with similar interests, or a similar play style. And that’s ok too. Encouraging them to broaden their play partners and to play with new, or different, people is a good idea. It can introduce them to new ideas and develop their communication skills.

Perhaps think about ways you could support your son to play with new children but arranging a play date for them or doing an activity together with another family, giving your son the chance to play with someone new. There are some simple ways you can conscientiously build empathy together at home. When you are spending time together, encourage him to ask how you or other family members feel, and how we can help other people with their emotions through our words and actions; dolls can also be a tool used to act out situations and talk about feelings. Films, books and real-life scenarios can become teachable moments and open up discussions about considering others.

• Dr Elizabeth

@ohdannyboy

Are there any dollys for boys which come with boys clothes - the only ones I can find are pink girly dollys, I think this will help DS1 so much.

Hi @ohdannyboy,

In order to engage children in play, it is important to offer toys, or resources, that resonate with them and that they can relate to. Children are often drawn to toys that they feel represent something about themselves, or that they can identify with. Therefore, it is important that your son be able connect with the toys that he chooses to play with. While it is true that many dolls are female, there are also male dolls available - Ken Fashionista dolls by Mattel come in different skin tones, body types and looks.

• Dr Elizabeth

@HarryK

When I can do to open up 11 year old shy daughter to talk about anything with me?

Hi @HarryK,

As children move towards adolescence, they become more closely connected to their peer group and it can feel like they are pulling away. This means that it can feel hard to keep an open dialogue with them and get them to talk about themselves, or what’s important to them. Also, some children are more private and find it harder to open up and talk about themselves.It’s important not to push them to talk about things, as this can result in them shutting down even more.

I recommend providing lots of opportunities to spend time together without the pressure to ‘talk about stuff’. Often, children will share information when they feel ready and, on their terms, so it’s important that you have lots of chances to hear what they have to say. Also talking whilst doing other things, such as cooking, walking or traveling in a car together can be more successful than direct 1:1 chats, which could feel quite pressurising.

• Dr Elizabeth

@NumberTheory

If our kids play with dolls that are supposed to be real people, do they gain empathy by seeing that someone powerful and athletic can still be portrayed as valuable and worthy of emulating if we smooth out their skin and trim their muscles away?

Indeed. Clinical Psychologists have NHS funded trainings. They are paid to do this training so that they can work in the NHS. Not only is the NHS struggling (and struggling to retain these clinicians who have befitted from this incredible funded training) it is at risk of increased privatisation. And now we seem to have an NHS trained clinician providing child and adolescent mental health consultation sponsored by (?) and advertising Barbie... I wonder what the next partnership here will be? Dark times.

@littlecottonbud

What is the best advice you'd give for my DS and DD who are still so worried about the virus and would rather be at home rather than school - I am still sending them - but they just want to be safe at home. School are helping, but I want to do more.

Hi @littlecottonbud,

The pandemic has been an unsettling time for many people and these feelings are very natural. When children are unsettled and worried, it is important to try and maintain as much consistency and normality as possible. Routines and familiarity are very containing and help children to feel safe. So going in to school and being with their peers really is the best thing for them.

If they are worried and wanting to talk to you about their fears, it can be tempting to try and reassure them and give them factual and logically answers, but paradoxically this doesn’t seem to allay their fears. We know that offering reassurance isn’t usually helpful for anxiety and using techniques of distraction and engaging in other activities is much more effective.

• Dr Elizabeth

@Holidayenthusiast

What can we do to help our children negotiate social media?

Hi @Holidayenthusiast,

Children are often very keen to keep up with their friends and want to engage with social media in order to not feel left out. But it is very important that parents support their children to follow the age criteria for all social media apps because they give an indication to the age a child should be before they can begin to explore social media. Once your child is old enough, it's important to set some ground rules and help them understand that ways in which the online world can be the same or different to the real world. I recommend that these conversations include a discussion of some of the risks and the ways they can keep safe.

The NSPCC have developed some excellent resources for supporting children to stay safe online. And once they are online, make sure you can keep an eye on what they are doing/seeing, just like you would in the real world.

• Dr Elizabeth

@ClaraSais

Hi. My 5 year old daughter is the eldest in her class. She’s still extremely shy and tends to cling on to mummy. She only plays with two other friends at school and doesn’t mix. What can I do to increase her confidence a little please? Thabks

Hi @ClaraSais,

Even though she is the oldest in her class, 5 year olds are just at the start of their developmental journey to build their social interaction skills. She has been able to form 2 close friendships and that’s a great place to start.

I would suspect, that gradually over time her social confidence will grow and she will begin to branch out more and develop a wider social network. If you continue to have worries about her social development then you could discuss this with her class teacher or school Senco. It may be that she engages more socially at school than you realise – it can be very hard to get children to talk about what they do at school. You could also think about some activities that you can do outside of school that could give her the chance to meet other children whilst doing an activity that she enjoys. Shy children often find it easier to socialise when there is a structured activity to do and something for them to focus on.

• Dr Elizabeth

@toastandmoretoast

I'm often worried that my child doesn't get enough interaction with anyone besides me and his dad. We don't have a big support network and he doesn't see other children his age except for at soft play or baby classes. Is this something to worry about much for a child of 14 months?

Hi @toastandmoretoast,

The main focus for young children is to develop a secure relationship with their primary care givers and as long as this is in place, they will be well able to go on to develop positive relationships with others as they grow. Most young children have a relatively small network, which doesn’t broaden out until they start pre-school or Nursery. By that age they are much more mobile and interactive and able to make good use of all the social opportunities that pre-school provides.

• Dr Elizabeth

Thank you all for your questions! I hope that the advice I have given on supporting your child’s emotional and cognitive development has been helpful to you all. If you have any additional comments, feel free to post them on this thread.

• Dr Elizabeth

My dd is struggling massively with settling into secondary school. She is quite shy and is finding it hard to make new friends, cope with the high workload and generally is very unhappy with all things school related.

She has developed some OCD type behaviour because of the stress - touching things a certain way, neatening things precisely repeatedly, a few others. Any helpful advice please? I could talk to the pastoral team at school but I’m not sure realistically what practical help they could provide.

Thank you