This is posted on the SN teens and young adults topic. I've seen some really wise advice from ND parents and ND people on this board, please can I ask for advice JUST from people with lived experience, as I no longer can see the wood for the trees, and people with zero insight into the ND aspects seem to post with great confidence.
My adult son, 24, is diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. He was under massive stress doing his dissertation a year ago, with emergency support from me typing to his dictation managed to get it in, and get to the end of finals, then had a major breakdown. Not sleeping, eating, actively suicidal over several months, not able to function at all over several months. I managed to get him home, and has been here since June 2025. I am a single mum, moved 2 years ago, so he has no network here. It has become clear over the last year that in the last 18 months at university he had got increasingly socially isolated, has been masking probably for all of secondary school, and now he only has contact with me, has not left the house since Christmas, is not answering the phone or responding to his friends, and is deep into conspiracy theories. I am on edge and feeling stuck, as he gets even more disregulated when I'm not around, and his plan to take his own life had been when I was away overnight for work. He says he is no longer in this crisis mode, but my anxiety lives on. I've had to leave my job with the stress of it all, and financially it isn't viable like this much longer.
It took over a year to get access to adhd meds (move from NHS England to NHS Wales, and need for rediagnosis :(). Since May he has had these, which also address depression (atomoxetine), and has been seeming more himself. However he is doing nothing at all, deflects any conversation about vague ideas or interests or next steps, whether mental health support, local adhd groups, volunteering, part time work, adhd mentoring, even a walk or swim outside, cooking a meal together or a haircut. I'd be willing to help with any of these. 6 weeks ago he got violent when I tried to set some boundaries, so I got the police involved. Things have calmed down, but I have set a deadline for some kind of action, which is fast approaching. In the last fortnight he has stopped taking the meds, - it feels like he doesn't want to get better.
He worked full time for several years before university and ran his own business for two years at university. However he is not now doing any of the remaining small admin for the business. I can't work out, and he isn't articulating, what is going on now. Is he still unwell? I think maybe he is perfectionist, embarrassed, overwhelmed, doesn't know what he wants to do, is scared he won't get anything, has problems getting started, is unconfident socially so doesn't want to put the effort into social groups and is in denial. But I am quite near the edge, the violence was a last straw, I feel I've done my bit in what is feeling a sided relationship, I am carer for two other people too, and while he seems to be doing better, he is taking no action at all, or responding to my queries on what is going on for him and how I might offer support, and is behaving as though this is a summer holiday and he is 7.
I don't want to make him homeless, but it feels that that, or just diverting my attention from him completely to focus just on myself, are the only two levers I have. I have tried to get his father involved too, and/or to suggest he moves in with him, - this is also closer to his friends and somewhere where there is more work - but neither of them are keen.
WWYD? If you've been in burnout yourself, how long can it take to move from it? What helped?
If you've been in my situation, how have you shifted dynamics?
Do I need to be much more directive on a routine etc, as I was when he was in school, and seemingly much better regulated - but this feels inappropriate with an adult, more effort than I now want to put in, and also difficult as he is bigger than me, and things didn't end well last time.
Thanks for reading this far, very grateful for your thoughts.
I have tried having chats with him, leading with empathy, reflecting back what I think is going on. Sometimes he does listen for a bit and nod, but then seems to get overwhelmed and rushes away. Any advice very welcome.