Advice sought from lived experience on adult son with (previous) ADHD burnout

[redmapleleaves1]

This is posted on the SN teens and young adults topic. I've seen some really wise advice from ND parents and ND people on this board, please can I ask for advice JUST from people with lived experience, as I no longer can see the wood for the trees, and people with zero insight into the ND aspects seem to post with great confidence.

My adult son, 24, is diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. He was under massive stress doing his dissertation a year ago, with emergency support from me typing to his dictation managed to get it in, and get to the end of finals, then had a major breakdown. Not sleeping, eating, actively suicidal over several months, not able to function at all over several months. I managed to get him home, and has been here since June 2025. I am a single mum, moved 2 years ago, so he has no network here. It has become clear over the last year that in the last 18 months at university he had got increasingly socially isolated, has been masking probably for all of secondary school, and now he only has contact with me, has not left the house since Christmas, is not answering the phone or responding to his friends, and is deep into conspiracy theories. I am on edge and feeling stuck, as he gets even more disregulated when I'm not around, and his plan to take his own life had been when I was away overnight for work. He says he is no longer in this crisis mode, but my anxiety lives on. I've had to leave my job with the stress of it all, and financially it isn't viable like this much longer.

It took over a year to get access to adhd meds (move from NHS England to NHS Wales, and need for rediagnosis :(). Since May he has had these, which also address depression (atomoxetine), and has been seeming more himself. However he is doing nothing at all, deflects any conversation about vague ideas or interests or next steps, whether mental health support, local adhd groups, volunteering, part time work, adhd mentoring, even a walk or swim outside, cooking a meal together or a haircut. I'd be willing to help with any of these. 6 weeks ago he got violent when I tried to set some boundaries, so I got the police involved. Things have calmed down, but I have set a deadline for some kind of action, which is fast approaching. In the last fortnight he has stopped taking the meds, - it feels like he doesn't want to get better.

He worked full time for several years before university and ran his own business for two years at university. However he is not now doing any of the remaining small admin for the business. I can't work out, and he isn't articulating, what is going on now. Is he still unwell? I think maybe he is perfectionist, embarrassed, overwhelmed, doesn't know what he wants to do, is scared he won't get anything, has problems getting started, is unconfident socially so doesn't want to put the effort into social groups and is in denial. But I am quite near the edge, the violence was a last straw, I feel I've done my bit in what is feeling a sided relationship, I am carer for two other people too, and while he seems to be doing better, he is taking no action at all, or responding to my queries on what is going on for him and how I might offer support, and is behaving as though this is a summer holiday and he is 7.

I don't want to make him homeless, but it feels that that, or just diverting my attention from him completely to focus just on myself, are the only two levers I have. I have tried to get his father involved too, and/or to suggest he moves in with him, - this is also closer to his friends and somewhere where there is more work - but neither of them are keen.

WWYD? If you've been in burnout yourself, how long can it take to move from it? What helped?
If you've been in my situation, how have you shifted dynamics?
Do I need to be much more directive on a routine etc, as I was when he was in school, and seemingly much better regulated - but this feels inappropriate with an adult, more effort than I now want to put in, and also difficult as he is bigger than me, and things didn't end well last time.

Thanks for reading this far, very grateful for your thoughts.

I have tried having chats with him, leading with empathy, reflecting back what I think is going on. Sometimes he does listen for a bit and nod, but then seems to get overwhelmed and rushes away. Any advice very welcome.

While I have a lot of SEN experience, I don’t have lived experience of a DC going to university and returning home in burnout, so I won’t comment on the rest of it since you only want lived experience of that specifically.

But, financially, is DS receiving PIP and UC? If not, he (or you if you request to be appointee) should claim both. If he gets the daily living component of PIP, you can claim carer’s allowance.

Have you also looked at council tax support reduction. If there is only you and him at home and he receives PIP, you can be disregarded as a carer and thus he be the only eligible adult so you can receive a 25% single.

You could request a social care carer’s assessment even if DS doesn’t want a needs assessment for himself.

Thanks so much for posting, really helpful. Sorry I didn't mean to be so off-putting so people with really relevant experience like yours didn't post, - any other thoughts or insights very welcome too. But sometimes on these threads you have people who have missed any aspect of the SEN part posting very confidently. Thanks, will get on with those really helpful points.

You don’t have to apologise! I just didn’t want to post if you only wanted lived experience of your particular situation and equally didn’t want you to think I was ignoring the rest of your post.

I think it is early days in terms of burnout recovery. And it isn’t a linear path. Sometimes it can feel like you take 2 steps forward and one back. And other times it can feel like you take 1 step forward and several back!

I would forget work right now. DS doesn’t sound well enough. At all.

How is DS’s eating now? Would he take a multivitamin?

How is his sleeping now?

Would DS accept a medication review? There are other medications that might suit him better. Sometimes DC stop meds because of side effects - even if they haven’t vocalised that.

Would DS have an OT assessment if an OT visited him at home?

You might want to look at non-violent resistance resources.

For you, some find counselling &/or antidepressants help.

When ds2 is in this state deadlines don't really help as they just add to his stress levels and brain freeze.

Instead we try and take away some of the pressure that causes the log jam so offering to help when he is ready rather than I expect you to have done something by a given date. He gets very demand avoidant when stressed so we find strategies for PDA help.

Given my stress levels each year when I have to do self-assessment tax I am wondering if the business admin is causing part of the issue. One solution might be to outsource the admin whilst he does the other parts of the business whatever that might be. Does he have an accountant for instance or is he attempting to do it all himself. It is hugely impressive though that he has been running his business alongside his studies.

Medication is a tool but not a quick fix and can come with side effects. But he needs to know that if the current ones are not working for him there are others he could try. It's difficult because when you are depressed you feel nothing will help so there is no point trying. It's a vicious circle. It is good he engaged with the doctors earlier in the year and it is well worth gently encouraging him to try again. (Stopping the medication suddenly is seldom a good idea and can have unanticipated side effects - if dh missed one of his anti-depressants it made him feel very irritable and cross).

ds2 needed a long time to recover when we took him out of school age 13 and I guess he was burnt out. It did surprise me because I thought removing him from that stressful environment would have quickly improved things. Instead I think he went backwards for a while before he went forward again. These days I think he is better at pacing himself & we know we have to give him the time to do so. He too found the last year of university was hard (he finished in June) and he did need to decompress for a couple of months with really doing very little at all. He has picked himself up now and has been applying for jobs but at a slow pace & has signed up to a gym so he is getting a bit of exercise now too which will be beneficial I think.

Thank you @OneInEight and @roaringdragon I can't say how helpful your messages are. I know you're strangers in my computer, but words and recalibration from people with insight who have been somewhere similar are precious.

Yes, you're right, he really isn't well. He was really very unwell, and is considerably better than he was, but he isn't well. And my imposed timescale, while maybe briefly helpful to see he really can't respond to urgency either now, where he does well when well, well none of this is helpful. It is difficult as he has regressed so much he is behaving as he was when much younger, which leads me to become more directive parent, but I'm guessing this is a comfort thing. Anyway I'm trying to step back to adult to adult communication.

@OneInEight it is really helpful to know it took your son a long time to recover from burnout when younger, but now is more attuned to his limits. I suppose I thought over 15 months was so long, it should be sorted by now, but these things as you say aren't linear, and potentially it is the result of 10+ years masking. It is hard as so many messages from the outside world are about not letting things get entrenched.

He is eating ok now, less than when healthy but regularly. Sleeping well most nights, though dysregulated at least once a week, which then gets him nocturnal.

He has agreed he would like to keep living here. That we can look at applying for benefits, which for me is also a recognition this is going to take longer, in my mind it has all been temporary. Has agreed to take the multivitamins and iron and vitamin B again. And I think an OT assessment, and hopefully review of meds if we can ever get back to the psychiatrist. But maybe when there is less stress around he can articulate better what makes him want to stop taking them, and it could well be that it was a bit of control in a world he hasn't chosen either.

Thank you both, much appreciated.