to want to scream and shout at somebody else's mother!

[Dawndonna]

Try to get it all out.
I read my the text on ds2s phone. I have an agreement with him whereby this can happen because he is AS and has been in serious danger before.

Turns out that all the talks about contraception we've had have gone out of the window, she's on the pill but won't take extra precautions and now she's late.
(Yes she's been on antibiotics and other medication).
Ds has just started A levels, is easily manipulated etc. After much shouting discussion, I agreed that they could still see one another but on sensible terms. Rang her Mum to try to talk sensibly and it's all my fault, I have invaded his privacy, there's nothing wrong with him, I should let them see each other every night if they choose. I apparently have a crap relationship with my son because he didn't tell me.
Aaaaaaaargghh my head is exploding.

Does anyone like using condoms? I thought they were more of a necessary evil. She's not likely to get pregant if using pill correctly anyway.

But if he left you his phone, and knows you read his texts, the other mother is just plain wrong that he didn't tell you about it in any 'bad relationship' sense! Can you tell her that?

I don't quite get what she's trying to get at anyhow, since she seems to be saying their relationship is nothing to talk about anyway?

OP, did you discuss any of this with the girlfriend before steaming in?

stranded, that's awful.

However, I didn't think the thread came across that way. I think it is bemusing trying to work out what both children were thinking - but they're teenagers and you expect them to be irrational or misguided at times.

Seems to me the OP could have perhaps done better to talk directly to the girlfriend or her DS first, but surely it's very understandable that she got upset and went to the other mum? The other mum might have felt betrayed had another adult not got in touch with information about her DD - the OP had no way of knowing how she would react.

Surely the important thing here is working out how best to move on with this situation?

I didn't think she was saying he wasn't at fault. It sounded to me as if she was angry at the other mum more than either child.

I agree, no-one should be blaming a girl that age in this situation. It doesn't help or make sense. But the OP does, for her son's sake, need to work out what the girl is thinking and expecting, and whether she's aware of the risks of what they're doing. It sounds as if the other mum simply wants to ignore that, which is really strange IMO. And does make me wonder if she's been given a different story.

It's 50:50 at fault. Although I think it's only natural as a mum of an AS child to want to protect your own and shift blame to the other. Doesn't make it right though.

did your ds maybe leave the phone out for you to read his texts because he is aware he is in a situation he doesnt know how to handle?

have you met gf mother at all? is it possible to go and speak to her in person when her daughter and your son are not about and explain the situation about your ds AS and your worries, without being confrontational or blaming anyone

If one of my daughters bf mothers rang me up to discuss my dd sex life I would be really annoyed, defensive and very uncomfortable, I also wouldnt have a clue what AS is. Maybe she feels the same and thinks that you are blaming her daughter

Teenage hormones make common sense fly out of the window

I agree with maryz, fault shouldn't be in the equation.

I can well imagine how a NT teenage girl may be struggling with sex, and contraception, and responsibility, really quite a lot. I know I did. It's quite scary really. But she does need proper support and it doesn't sound as if she's getting it.

IMO, they both need to know that they should not be having sex if there is not proper contraception in place!

I am not angry with either of the Children because that's what they still are. Annoyed, but not angry. I am fucking pissed off with the fact that when I tried to talk to the girls mother about getting the kids together, with both Mums present, she called me a bad mother, called them adults and said that they should be allowed to do what they like and it was my bad parenting that had caused this. All I'm trying to do is allow the relationship to happen sensibly whilst also allowing them BOTH to pass their sodding A levels. DS got eleven As and A* at GCSE. There is huge potential there so I don't want it pissed up the wall by getting someone pregnant at sixteen. I think that is good and caring parenting. He wants to be a Doctor.

Oh, and Stranded Bear, my father is a GP, I too have medical training, trust me, antibiotics affect the efficacy of oral contraception.

Well, they're not adults so she's wrong there.

It sounds as if she felt very defensive, rightly or wrongly.

So what will you do now?

TBH, I cringe at the idea of having both children and both mums there for a serious talk - how could it not come across as a unilateral bollocking? But maybe you can talk to your DS a bit more? And then maybe to the girl? If she is pregnant they will both need support. I assume she also has hopes for her future.

The OP hasn't said she blames anyone! Why does someone have to be blamed?

The responsibility would lie with both of them if she is pregnant, but tbf, if the ds wanted to use condoms but the dd didn't, the she is more to blame. But then she would also be the one that is hardest hot with the consequenses, and as a NT 16yo, she is old enough to rationalise what those consequenses could be. It is quite possible that a 17yo with AS, wouldn't be able to rationalise what those consequenses could be.

I've always been told by GP that combi pills aren't affected by meds

GP's get things wrong. Yours certainly did. It say so on the leaflet.

The pill is affected by meds, that's why I have ds2.

I really do not agree that a NT 16 year old can rationalize the consequences of this.

She may think it was protected sex. She may be afflicted with the usual teenage god-delusion that it can never happen to her. She may have all sorts of reasons and half-understood motivations for what she did. You don't have to have an excuse to be spectacularly misguided about sex at that age.

Helen His phone is always attached to his hand, so when left on the kitchen table this morning, I assumed he wanted me to check it.

Stranded, he doesn't lie. Don't come back with the crap that all teenagers lie. He has AS.
I have already made it clear that I am not blaming just the girlfriend, yes she is the one refusing to use the condoms, that's why I thought a talk with both Mums present would be a good idea.

As for the mother, they have had it explained about AS. She knows but doesn't seem to grasp it. She knew I was going to ring and discuss things because her dd warned her.
I'm trying hard to be reasonable, but actually I'm bloody angry, I'm trying to protect both kids from fucking things up and I'm the bad guy.

DawnDonna - I think you would be best to 'report' your OP to MNHQ and ask if they will move it to the SN section for you, you will get more support and less people who just don't understand how having AS affects a child. AIBU really isn't the best place for this :(