The Goose and Carrot July Edition

[Lougle]

All welcome, and everything disappears after 90 days.

@Lougle it is hard to remember the constant questioning is an anxiety response when you are on the receiving end. Be kind to yourself.

@NoHaudinMaWheest being excused from jury service must be a relief. I hope DS’s cold is short lived. The sensory side of things affects everything, doesn’t it?

@Wellzizizbetter unless DS has income or capital other than benefits, you won’t need property and financial affairs deputyship. Being appointee will suffice. The process can be lengthy. DH is leading on deputyship because he has gone through it before for a relative of his who refused to make an LPA (grrr!). Hopefully it will be sorted soon.

DH is staying with DS1 tonight, DS2 is on holiday with his friend and friend’s family, and DD2 is also away this week. At bedtime, DS3 decided I would be lonely in bed on my own. He was most put out when I insisted I wouldn’t be and he needed to sleep his bed. I have some emails to read then I need sleep.

inthequietofdawn sleep well (definitely solo!).

@inthequietofdawn "DS3 decided I would be lonely in bed on my own. He was most put out when I insisted I wouldn’t be and he needed to sleep his bed."

Such generosity must have been hard to turn down.

Earlier, I was so overwhelmed by everything that all I could say to the girls was 'I need less words...'

I'll mention the deputyship to the Psychologist tomorrow. I don't think she'd mind completing the capacity form.

@Wellzizizbetter no, she wouldn't. The only job she has is the top rack of the dishwasher. She gets really cross and says 'Must I do everything around here??' when we ask her to do her job.

“Must I do everything around here?” Is glorious. She does sound full of life @Lougle if only we could work out how to get you enough peace.

I’m laughing at your bed invader @inthequietofdawn my bedroom is always full of children young adults and ds is very prone to offering company whenever dh is away. It’s exhausting. Oh for crisp cool sheets and solitude.

The cat was impressed with our work, this is DSs beanbag chair from the shed he never used.

DH has nearly got fence down so that is going fine but DS is currently in the shed and has taken things back to it. 🤔The things won't take long to get out but DS could be an issue.

Do you think you're heading for a Greenpeace style standoff? They chain themselves to the trees...perhaps he will sit in the shed as you dismantle it around him. I like his style.

Distract him with cream cakes. Taking the asbestos off isn’t really a spectator sport, and dismantling is very noisy. Send luck it sounds like a tricky day.

Yes shed could not be taken down as DS refused to move out of it and covered himself in a light pink fleece blanket. Also when DH told me he had almost got the fence down he had got none of it down though that could have been worked around. DS has also taken most of the things we cleared from the shed yesterday back outside. DH tried to get DS to leave the shed but he started attacking DH, only mildly but he clearly was going to fight for his shed. The two guys who came were so nice but said they could take it down with DS in it but they wouldn't as they didn't want to make him sad and said they could come another day. The trouble is it'll be the same next time especially since DH told him if you sit in the shed they can't take it down.

DH called me for help and I went in to try and negotiate a peace deal. DS was better with me, I tried to stroke his head and he just gently stopped it. I explained everything to him and I said I was sorry about the shed but the roof is asbestos and the dead tree and we have new shed. But he was crying and clearly wants old shed. The trouble is getting the tree down with old shed up and whether DS will sit in shed when they are cutting tree. We both think not but don't want any issues. Also can they cut tree down with our shed there, at first we were told we needed to remove it then it was just a suggestion. I mentioned we could get a tent though said DH isn't keen as it will damage the lawn but nope he wants his old shed. He didn't seem 100% opposed to new shed but not sure. I said I was sorry we moved here as he was happy at our old house / area and I wish I'd never sent him to that awful school here but I hadn't known covid and cancer would happen. That made him cry. I told him I would do anything to help him but I don't know what. He let me clean the shed. I've just got a message from shed demolition boss and he says they can come next week but we have to be sure there won't be a problem and we can't be.

I may ask DD - she said not to get a new shed and she was right but trouble is old shed roof is asbestos and the sides bits are starting to fall off. Planning I think lasts 3 years. Basically options are try again next week, the boy suggested a padlock which maybe worth a try but DS is likely to break his way in and be hacked off with us, think DS will do same next week. Option 2 is see if tree can be taken down anyway and hope DS will stay out of shed on day tree comes down. We would guess he would if shed is safe but its possible he will try a Greenpeace style protest on tree as well. Though its neighbours tree so I think not. But I can't 100% guarantee he will not be in shed. This way we could keep old shed until we hear if we have planning permission (around end August) and order new shed. But we he then allow old shed to be taken down for new one? It does last 3 years but needs to be that exact shed. Or we try and repair current shed but firms have said beyond repair and officially that also needs permission, taking the asbestos roof off also alerts the council. Spent 2.5 hours cleaning things.

Sadly its way beyond cream cakes - its a I will fight to the death for my shed.

Is there any way you could vary the application to put a new base in, so that you could build the new shed before dismantling the old one?

It would almost certainly get rejected due to conservation area tree rules unfortunately. There are 3 big trees there, one is coming out as dead, one is not conservation area but we are in its tree roots area and one is conservation area and we would be in tree roots area.

We are veering towards leaving current shed in place until we have planning and a new shed on its way and imminent. We are checking with neighbour if tree work can still go ahead, sent an email but he doesn't normally do email so if we don't hear back DH will go round and check. First of all DH told me the shed had to come down for tree from what neighbour had said but I think there's been some kind of chinese whispers / confusion and the tree company just said if the shed was coming down soon it would be better to do it then. Last time heard from neighbour he said the shed coming down was just a suggestion. Its also not guaranteed we will get permission, they can be incredibly fussy here and they might ask for a tree survey which should be OK but would delay things 1 or 2 months or they could reject due to slate effect tiles. This way at least we get to keep old shed until we know if we are getting planning.

I am still nervous about ordering a new shed incase he still does it as he gave the vibe he wants old shed. But I think it would be easier to sell with we are having a new shed next week than we have got a new shed in mind but have to get permission first.

DH has put some things back in the shed for DS, the things he put outside on the garden table (5 giant cushions) and the non slip mat and the rug that's been washed and a pillow.

It sounds like an exhausting and stressful day @Tulipandmagnolia .

I'm a bit confused. The psychologist wrote to the SW asking if there would be an assessment place at a certain road in a certain town. SW replied to say that they wouldn't be keen on it as a solution but they'd check if there's an assessment option. However, when I Google it, all I can find is a place in another town with the same street name. So either the SW didn't clock that the psychologist had stated the wrong town, or there's a place that doesn't come up on Google searches in the town she stated.

@Tulipandmagnolia it reminds me of a more stressful version of DD sitting in the rocking chair when the couple who had bought it came to collect it from our house. Minimal time shed less seems the best option but it sounds complicated.

Yes from our/DSs point of view it would be best to pretty much always have a shed which would mean not taking it down pre the tree. I think if DS knows his shed is safe that day he should be OK at staying out the way for the tree. I think but aren't certain the tree surgeon can do the work with our shed in place, we are 45cms from their boundary with our shed. Their tree is on one side of the shed. It is leaning into our garden but it does seem that they can't require us to take our shed down. I wanted to do it to make it easier for them but DS was so sad. I am double checking the work can go ahead on tree.

Then its seeing if we get planning, if its a straightforward yes it'll be end August ish / early September but then a 3 month wait for shed to be made due to order backlog. Otherwise it could be longer or a no. I think it should get through the trees as its all above ground but they could make us do a tree survey which think it'll pass but will add to time. The slate effect tiles don't know if those will get through but metal has got through and the shingles / thatch were flammable. I think it will probably get through but they can spend an hour debating someone's door colour. We are just getting positive comments so far.

DS is fine now and its just been a curveball rather than stressful. I am happy DS showed me how he was feeling. What was odd though was he kicked, bit and hit DH but just cried with me and let me chat to him and clean shed for maybe an hour. Although it was sad in some ways it was encouraging. I think we could probably repair current shed and improve it apart from roof without getting permission but people we have asked have said its not worth it but they don't understand how attached DS is. Though I think he would also love new shed but they get attached to what they are used to.

@Lougle is it the type of service that would be on CQC’s website? If so, you will know for certain if there is somewhere in the town the psychologist said by looking at the CQC’s website.

@Tulipandmagnolia I’m sorry you couldn’t take the shed down today.

I couldn't find anything run by our council that matches town A. It probably doesn't matter. I'm getting bogged down in a detail when I need to be thinking about Deputyship, etc.

I've raised the question of whether a DOLS order would be needed because if DD1 decided she would rather be at home and was told she had to stay, that could be bad. She has a history of absconding when distressed.

@Tulipandmagnolia for reasons too long tedious and ridiculous to go into I know a lot about sheds. Can you post a pic of the shed you have inside? My honest opinion is it probably is fixable and you can get a carpenter to do it. I think if it was my boy I’d be happier without the asbestos. You don’t have to remove the shed to do that.
you could

Ask the shed removal company to remove the ansbestos and ask planning if you can replace it with whatever they deem sensible. Then fix up the shed.

or you could

move shed contents into something like a bell tent, explain to ds it’s temporary till new shed arrives and move it onto the shed base till his new des res arrives.

It sounds like ds is engaged if sad, so maybe suggest the tent idea, print out a few options and leave a link to Go Outdoors or somewhere tentastic similar and see if he will choose one. Wilder things have happened than a boy communicating because he really cares about the outcome.

I’m so sorry it’s been so hard for you all. What an exhausting day. Honk honk.

Thanks @Wellzizizbetter I haven't taken a picture of inside yet but it's not too bad inside, floor is concrete but we had a washable rug and non slip mat covering that and could potentially add a floor as well. The shed walls there are 3 loose bits now, one we still have and 2 I threw out but just 10mm wood about 20cms by 10cms. The wood does look like it has been wet and dried. We could potentially repair those and paint inside and out. The asbestos cement roof I would prefer changed but it does have plain corrugated sheets underneath which are not asbestos cement and we can do like for like without getting permission. It might be the asbestos cement company could take old roof which due to size doesn't need permission and replace with corrugated sheets though not asked them. I don't even know if DS would cooperate with this but maybe a much higher chance.

He definitely did not want the tent, he kept crying at that. I last saw him cry in 2022 in hospital at his autism diagnosis so it's rare for him to cry publicly and he's obviously very bothered. The current shed is very close to end of life but it might be we could revive current one for a few years. I also think it's more than the shed he was crying about, it seemed to be fear of new / change, that he was losing something he really cared about, that it was a loss of a private space to hide from the world. He did listen to the new shed plans but I got the vibe he prefers his old shed. He may come round but think we need to keep shed less period to an absolute minimum. In the past he disliked tents but loved playhouses and canopies and the new shed has a canopy and looks like a house. He was fine after the people had gone and we gave him lots of nice food and he's been in our house a lot. We have put his things back in shed so he knows it's safe for now. We have a while to think about shed as we wait for planning. I hope tree can go ahead, in theory it should still be possible.

DD is off to PGL and then to siblings health camp. Will be very quiet without her! While we were packing yesterday we managed to fill up two big boxes with stuff for a car boot. I've told her she can pay me the £10 entry and anything more she makes is hers to keep.
DS always watches an episode of Numberblocks before bed and DD and I said why are you watching this, it's for preschool, what do your friends at school say? Oh I don't tell them he says. So he's totally aware it's not for his age and that other people might think it was weird.
He took his Toniebox on Scout camp but took Horrible Histories rather than Winnie the Pooh so he's definitely aware of some things he likes not being age appropriate!

Removing the asbestos roof and replacing it is a single day (usually) and can be done by the same people. Is the shed a frame with panels attached? I’m guessing, but it should be possible and fairly straightforward to replace rotting boards and even the frame can be fixed but is less diy and a bit more technical. It should be treated with wood preservative and then painted which is a stinky but easy job, and needs redoing every 3/5 years (depends on the product you choose, but read the tin). It can look almost anyway you want it to. You can easily add windows or change doors. Because ds likes to be barefoot and out in all weathers, I would consider insulation, particularly the floor, but insulation is fairly cheap so if it was for my ds I’d splash money on that bit.

Don’t feel disheartened. We often have to radically change plans because things are unexpectedly too much. Pivot this into a positive and let ds feel he has agency and communicating has helped him. Another step back towards us all for him and another way you can show him his feelings matter and you are his advocate always. You are doing such a good job @Tulipandmagnolia . Honk honk

I spent most of yesterday unblocking drains and trying to get the water in my bathroom running smoothly again. Another funeral this week but far away so I won’t be able to attend in person. It’s been a difficult year.

@drspouse I think watching familiar kids stuff before bed is a very good chillax skill. My ds likes those twin Drs who do endless gross procedures 🤢

Sorry about the funeral and difficult year @Wellzizizbetter Thanks for the shed advice. DS wears trainers in the garden and puts them by the entrance to the shed, he's quite houseproud in the shed and also would sweep it with my dustpan and brush.

I am not sure exactly how its made but its a very average garden shed, possibly handmade by a DIY person or at least installed by a DIY person. I found this photo of the inside taken last summer. The wood inside isn't quite as good now as DS removed the gutters so it looks like wood that got wet then got dry in places though is still hard.

Starting the process of writing down everything in the daily routine as things are steady enough to attempt the night away with DH. It’s a long list. I’m wobbling about driving a long way in the same car, DM said we are not the royal family and separate travel arrangements aren’t necessary. Just my nerves really.