The Goose and Carrot July Edition

[Lougle]

All welcome, and everything disappears after 90 days.

Glad your shower has been sorted @Lougle Can't be easy with 3 girls and no shower.

Luckily we got water back fairly quickly though with the weather forecast I am nervous will happen again. We have lots of washing to do though only really need DHs stuff so putting that on now. DH spent 3 hours and finished clearing the lane. So tomorrow all we have to do is finish clearing out the shed but that's partly where the washing will come from - DS has a washable rug and non-slip mat and 2 duvets with duvet covers in there which could all do with a wash plus the old washable rug. DS has also made our bath mat muddy and our door mat. Then I have stuff from holiday though don't really need any of it any time soon. I am nervous washing machine access may be difficult again with shed gone but we will see, its all nice days and he likes wandering the garden so maybe fine.

That's nice your DS wants to do a show @NoHaudinMaWheest

Sorry about your DD @LathkillDale

Here we have huge washing machines at a local petrol station that you can do big things like duvets etc in which might save you time?

We are slowly getting back to ourselves after college. I feel like I’ve been half asleep or in a cult. Looking back WHY did I allow that to go on so long? I think the idea that we could be more “normal” and ds could go to college in a class was so seductive. Damage has been done and angry is much angrier now and our connection is not as easy and unquestioned. I suppose his trust in me has been broken much as it was when we tried as in y7 and I supported school so blindly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Ds is recovering from his seizure damage and we have had a haircut and are trotting around doing all the activities that are still available in the summer. I’ve screwed up the money again, in that I always end up paying for things that should come out of his benefits and then it builds up. I’m starting a new system that hopefully means going forward that shouldn’t happen again. I want it very straight before I book up any more activities for him as we will have three days “extra” now out of education. Life is very busy and I feel pulled in all directions but I think things should settle.

I use MS Money to track all our bank and credit card expenditure - luckily I can download all the transactions from our bank, directly into MS Money. I do the same from DD1’s bank account into a MS Money file, in her name. I keep all receipts where possible for her expenditure in a lever arch file.

Sometimes, if I am say getting the groceries, and DD1 chooses a cuddly toy, then I keep all my receipts, which include some items for her in another lever arch file. Every few months I go through that file and put on a spreadsheet all we’ve paid for her - then reimburse ourselves.

I’ve used the big washing machines at a petrol station to wash double duvets - it costs £22 each, including tumble drying. It’s not much cheaper than the dry cleaners.

I have an Excel file, well two Excel files, one for DSs benefits and spending on him and one of my money / savings / pensions etc and I find that helps keep on track. I also try to just use the one bank account when I buy things for him. I've found it quite useful to have the records to look back and see where things have been spent and forecast money going forward. I currently have a shed / summerhouse fund category and stopping the cleaner has helped build that up but do miss the cleaner when we have so much physical stuff to do in the garden but we will see how it goes and its good exercise.

I wasn't going to wash the duvets as they have both been in thick duvet covers on his rug, its just things like new chicken bedding stuck on the covers so wanted to wash those. We are making progress and DH has done all his washing from holiday, my gardening stuff is washed, bath mat washed. We maybe have 6 loads left to do but none of them are urgent and some of them can be short ones.

Going to clear rest of shed today.

We have an appointee account with Lloyds for DD1's universal credit, but that's a bit of a pain because you can't make virtual payments or online payments. We also have a Starling Account so we have spaces for each of the DDs that their PIP gets put in. I try to make sure I pay out of their space for things.

We did set up MoneyCarer accounts but I got a bit confused with it all and then lost trust...ultimately I might need to start using that.

All the money after motability goes into my account, then I transfer it into a separate account to keep it separate. The issue really is that his true cost of living is higher than his benefits. I don’t want him to contribute that much though and so we muddle on.
We got a crazy shower gadget this week. It mixes the shower gel into the water and produces foaming water. 😆. The kit is flimsy and unlikely to survive in this household BUT we are two days into “daily morning shower” and I think may be independent showering (new ground for us) fairly quickly. I am a bit proud of myself.

I use Starling spaces for my DCs, they only get limited pocket money but it's really helpful to have.
I'm in a different quandary at the moment with my mum's estate, just because there has been some "discussion" and I'm worried it could get mildly heated I looked up inheritance tax. Mum thought she could give several people an IHT-free gift each year but in fact you have to spread out your gift between them. However, it looks like unless there are some seriously expensive antiques in her house, it won't be IHT-liable because she's giving her quite small house to children and/or grandchildren. But since we have to apply for probate we will have to get valuations of everything in the house.
My DF (they have been divorced for over 30 years) is an antiques buff though so rather than get someone professional to look at all her stuff and try to convince us to sell the things we actually want, I imagine we can get him to tell us what needs valuing and then we only have to show a valuer those things.
I am a bit worried about what counts as gifts and what doesn't, though. For example, she paid for DS EP assessment last year. Was that a gift to us, a gift to him, or a payment to support his education?

Talk to a specialist at the beginning @drspouse . In my experience there is always a degree of upset around inheritance. It’s weird but I think tied up in the grieving process. I’m so sorry you are having sad times.

ds tasted mozzarella at lunch…I may have gone too far🤣🤣🤣. He says he is not a “cleaning boy” (aka can’t be arsed to clear his place), but spirits are high and he is icing a cake.

I think it would only be taxable if your DMs estate was worth more than £325,000 @drspouse but it I think would count as a gift. If it was out of regular income there can be an exemption as well. This is for university fees which isn't the same but is similar.
https://www.investorschronicle.co.uk/content/bb8f0d53-2af7-4b33-87e1-f1ad65e43f49

I had a really lovely chat with the banking advisor at MoneyCarer earlier. He sorted out how I can use the accounts. I think it will be helpful. So the primary account is one that only I have access to, which all money goes into. Then there's a second linked account for DD1 to use, which I transfer money into. Then there's a third account with a 'carer card', which a carer can use if they take her out. In the fullness of time, carers can upload receipts to the documents tab, and request funds. So, for example, if they know they were going bowling, they could ask for £15 to be transferred, etc.

The trouble with the Starling Account for us, in the long run, is that it's technically all in one account and the spaces are only virtual. So when a statement comes through, it's all together. That wouldn't meet the OPG's stipulation that deputies can't hold funds in their own account, even if it's in a 'space'.

My DS is full of such pronouncements. It used to be "X is not a thing" (other children, cleaning up, helping people" but now it's "I don't do X" but we just ignore.
I sometimes wish we'd worked out how to ignore some statements earlier, as we wasted a lot of breath trying to argue DS into doing things when he was younger, when actually it works much better to act as if he is going to but not say it again.

It's worth a bit more than that but not more than the larger sum you get if you leave your house to children/grandchildren.
However even if we don't have to pay IHT we do have to apply for probate which means everything has to be listed. Not sure if that includes gifts, though we know we have received gifts over the annual limit due to mum misreading the rules.

@Wellzizizbetter glad life is better for you and DS. Independent showering feels like a big reward after all the really difficult things.

@NoHaudinMaWheest good luck to DS for the show!

I don’t keep separate records for finances at all as everything adds up to more than DD has.

@drspouse If the property and belongings and gifts added up all come under the allowance then all is well. If it’s total is say £20k over then my understanding is that you only pay 40% of £20k so the bill might not be too scary. But you probably know that already.

We’re not there yet but very close. @TheGoodCat, it will be lovely if it happens. Progress here is usually the result of ridiculous levels of planning and stealthy support. I was a bit knocked sideways by this year and all the college nonsense so it feel good to see that I can still help him forward.

It sounds like there won't be any tax to pay @drspouse I would list gifts within the last 7 years. This is a calculator. Pensions are only being added in April 27 so those can be excluded.

uktax.tools/inheritance-tax-calculator/

Shed is being taken down tomorrow morning and just clearing the last of it shortly. Hope DS doesn't readd it all in the night. 🤔Though they aren't coming until later morning which is quite civilised. Will take fence down tomorrow morning.

@NoHaudinMaWheest good luck with the show.

@LathkillDale I hope DD’s pain settles.

@Lougle will you need property and financial affairs deputyship? We have applied for personal welfare deputyship for DS1, it hasn’t been granted yet, but we won’t need property and financial affairs deputyship because DS1’s only income is benefits and he doesn’t have any other capital except a CTF with a relatively small amount in. I am hoping the provider will agree to release the funds to me (some will, some won’t. Industry Standards allow them to.) or the situation of disabled YP and CTF/JISAs has been resolved nationally. If not, we will need to make a single-issue application to the CoP.

I feel like I have accounts for DSs coming out of my ears. All set out on spreadsheets. I have one for each of them in my name for their benefits. I started out with their benefits just going into my normal account, but it wasn’t working with 3 of them and moved across to separate ones a few months ago. I haven’t bothered with appointee accounts. We spend far more than they receive. Then there is one for DS1’s education budget, one for a separate education PB for transport (not a PTB because of how my LA pays for transport for EOTAS packages), and one for his PHB. One for DS3’s education PB, one for a separate education PB for transport, and one for his social care PB. One for DS2’s PTB and one for his social care PB. My LA has not understood the aim in the SENCOP of having a holistic PB with a single integrated fund.

Thanks all. DS1 didn’t have a good night and hasn’t had a very good day. I am exhausted and thankful DH is staying with DS1 tonight.

It was funny last night - DD1 told us she was better yesterday. That’s because she’s started on codeine - so she might feel better with stronger pain relief; but I doubt healing has been that quick! Still, so long as she’s happy, that’s the main thing!

The GP in the family said codeine might not work for her, because it doesn’t work for me, and he thought it was maternal inheritance - but it’s not, it’s autosomal recessive inheritance! Anyway, it clearly does work for her luckily!

@inthequietofdawn I'm sorry DS1 (and therefore you) still isn't out of the woods. I hope you get some much needed rest.

You're right, I don't need P&F - I'm not coping very well with DD1 right now and it's pickling my brain. She's monitoring everything and getting upset if we have conversations without telling her everything, regardless of whether it concerns her.

Drspouse there is so much to think of at this time when you are not in the best place emotionally to do so.

inthequietofdawn I hope you can get some rest and DS1 has a better night tonight.

It turns out DS has a cold - quite a mild one but he really doesn't cope with being ill. He had today off sick and tomorrow is a 'global rest day' so he has that off anyway. So I hope he will be able to reset himself.

I have been excused from jury duty due to caring responsibilities which is a relief.

Sorry DD1 is anxious @Lougle

Sorry DS1 is still very ill @inthequietofdawn

Hope DS will be back to full health soon @NoHaudinMaWheest

Have just cleaned the kitchen floor then cleared the shed with DH so all ready for tomorrow. We will take two bits of fence down very early and check DS hasn't readded things. DS is going through what we took out. Some washing done, 5 loads to go now.

@NoHaudinMaWheest great news that you've been excused from Jury service. I held my breath while I was waiting for DD2 to be excused. Poor DS and his cold - they're only mild if you're not struggling with them. Good timing with the global rest day though!

@inthequietofdawn poor ds1, what a very tiring year it has been for you all. I haven’t done anything about formalising our position with regards to finances or health. I think that will be a job for this winter, so I’m interested to hear how you get on.

@Tulipandmagnolia How exciting that it is all finally happening. The garden will feel huge without a large shed. Could you get ds a tent till the new one is here?

@Lougle we have the relentless conversation monitoring too. (Sometimes the similarities in our very different children are striking). Remember it will ease off. Will dd1 do laundry or hoovering or anything in the house? It always feels more bearable to me if something gets done. That said that’s probably because my house is so hideously messy and dirty it needs beating back.

I’m glad about the jury service @NoHaudinMaWheest that would have made life very tedious for you all.

I am hoping planning comes through end of August / early September and I don't know then if they will have caught up on orders a bit though its been so hot people might still have been ordering. DH has vetoed anything going on the lawn, he's very proud of the garden plants / lawn now though tells anyone who will listen he did it all himself. 🤔We need to wait for tree to come down end of first week of August then may need to tidy the area but will see how it goes. May move our table and chairs over there as he sits at those but only when he thinks no-one can see but back of garden is hidden. That will work fine but only for when its dry, currently that's all the time but must stop at some point. DH is away mid August and DD is away twice in August and then 2 weeks in September / October.