i need some help before i kill my 6 year old

[gigglinggoblin]

he turns everything into a battle. i am separated from his father who is a git of the highest order and tells him to be nauhty for me, so ds doesnt know if he should be good or be naughty cos he is told both things.

he is in his room atm as i am so angry i am shaking. i only wanted him to brush his teeth. he hates doing it, says he doesnt like the toothpaste, fights me when i do it for him. even when we had other toothpaste he acted the same so it cant be that. its such a stupid thing but it starts every day with a fight.

i have tried everything, reward charts, removing treats, smacking, nothing works. i am at the end of my tether and i dont know how to help him or me. we are waiting for the school doctor to get back to us about poss adhd but have been given no assistance in the meantime. i cant stop him seeing his dad (who is a big part of the problem). i dont know what to do. our lives are just hell because he will not behave.

if anyone has any strategies that do work i would be eternally grateful. or is this how life is going to be for ever?

life wont be like this forever.
i was going to suggest you not let him see his dad. but i take it that is not feasible. sounds like you both need a timeout really. possible strategies:
let his dad have him for a month.
let your mom have him for a month
both you and your son go on an extended trip somewhere.
let him have dirty teeth. it wont kill him. dont ask him to do anything. dont criticisse, dont engage. just do stuff for him, like make his meals etc. but dont say a word when he doestn.
have a relaxing massage. both you and your son!
stay strong.

do you mean just dont talk to him at all until he behaves?

i know dirty teeth wont kill him but i dont want them all to fall out cos they are his adult ones. maybe im picking a fight about nothing but we always find something to argue about.

Re: the teeth issue. Would he be more likely to listen to a dentist explaining to him about how important it is to brush his teeth? Sometimes it helps to have a neutral person.

My ds1 (5) is a nightmare for teeth-brushing so I can sympathise. His mouth is very sensitive so even the soft brushes hurt. It helped when I got a little timer and set it for about 30 seconds. He was allowed to stop brushing when the timer went off. I've been gradually increasing the amount of time on the timer. His teeth aren't great but they're not too bad.

His dad sounds like a nightmare. Would your ds be able to help you draw up some general house rules? He may be more interested in sticking to them if he feels he has had some involvement in them.

I know exactly what you are going through regarding the waiting time for assesment and no help in the mean time. I've got a 5 year old girl who is a constant battle. She has no fear and is relentlessly naughty all the time. We have been told that she has suspected ADHD but it can't be confirmed until the pros see her at the ADHD clinic which will not be till at least September, in the meantime i am expected to toddle along with this behaviour and continuous stress and pressure it is putting on me and my partner who is also a pratt aswll as looking after my 2.5 year old son with CP and Global development delay of which he is hard work and is now copying his sisters behaviour.

My friend's ds will not clean his teeth as it is a sensory thing and was told by the dentist to use antibacterial mouth wash - he said it was just as good (just don't swallow it).

My ds is ADHD and AS and is (especially this week) an absolute nightmare. He is on medication for ADHD but I have a feeling the dosage needs to be increased slightly as he is on a growth spurt at the moment, but his weight gain is tiny in comparison.

I'm sorry you're at your wits end, I completely sympathise with you Gigglinggoblin.
My ex-h did not believe in the diagnosis until more recently, but then ds behaves quite well with him for the few hours he sees him each week. The problem is he then gives it to me with both barrells when he returns home.

Your ex sounds terrible - and a git. I quite like the idea of sending your ds to stay with him for a while, but this could make his (and his father's) behaviour worse. Good luck, I am sure someone will come up with a great idea soon, but please remember that you are not alone! x

i'm not in the least bit knowledgable about any special needs but as a dentist may i offer some advice, you can't control the brushing withany child at any age, but you can control the diet, limiting sugar juices etc check the labels for hidden sugars that sort of thing. the mechanical process of cleaning is more important than the toothpaste so you can omit the paste altogether, and do consider an anti-bacterial mouthwash and possibly a fluoride one to help strenghten/protect (although i know diff people have different views n the use of fluoride)

thanks for replies everyone, i disappeared yesterday as we were supposed to be off to the cinema. ds1 ended up staying with my mum while i took his brother on his own cos I couldnt cope with the idea of trying to control him in that environment.

the info about mouthwash is very helpful, thankyou very much. i wouldnt have even thought of using that. we have a rule that if he wont brush his teeth he gets no sugary stuff that day but all that seems to do is make me feel bad and him behave worse! (tho i do still stick to it).

he has actually gone to stay with his dad for a bit which was already arranged but he always comes back behaving worse cos any time spent with his dad is also spent with grandparents and none of them can tell him no to anything. it is much easier to give in and let him have what he wants all the time, especially when there are 3 of you there as opposed to just one of me looking after them when dp is at work.

do those of you with adhd kids have a few weeks when they are ok and then a week or so when they are absolute nightmares? its not that regular a pattern but he does seem able to control himself for a while and then everything explodes again for no apparent reason. obviously we still dont know if that is the problem, but thought mumsnetters might be better to ask than the doctor we are still waiting for

im glad you had a bit of a break yesterday. hope things stay well.
tbh, i dont think he has adhd. i think he just has problems coping with the situation regarding his parents. as you say, he is getting mixed messages. its very difficult to cope with two people you love telling you the other is horrible.
try to show him you love him lots and lots. good lluck

i only suspect he has adhd because of symptoms he has shown at home and at school, and not necessarily stuff that winds me up. he is def worse when there are problems, but that isnt the only time he cant behave. we have never been able to just let him get on with it like ds2 can, his behaviour always needs managing with star charts and stuff. its just that every so often it all seems to stop working, like he just doesnt care about anything. i cope fine most of the time but its just when we have one of these week long episodes that it makes me feel like we are never going have a normal life.

i dont want to make it seem we are just going for the obvious option, but he does fit every symptom i have read about. the reading stuff the doctor gave me was all strategies we have tried and which usually work, just wondered if anyone had any other tricks for when the usual stuff fails