DS is so clingy lately...

[mysonben]

Not really sure why, but for the past few weeks DS (ASD, 3.9) is all for mummy .
When DH tries to dress him or undress him or bath, or anything really, he starts whining or crying for me, he will hide behind me, and acts as if dh is a child beater!!!

Dh thinks it's because i let DS get away with far too much concerning his routines and some behaviours , so that now DS has cottoned on that mummy is a softie compared to daddy!

I think DS realises that i understand him better than DH does (because i have tried to educate myself a bit about asd and i feel i manage DS in a better way than DH with fewer tantrums and anxiety tears from DS when i deal with him).

I think you are right - your ds probably feels more secure with you at the moment, so he wants to keep you close.

DD is 8 (AS) and she still comes to me for everything. DH is now trying really hard to educate himself and to learn how to deal with her - we also have more anxiety/tears/meltdowns when he is dealing with dd.

To be fair to him, he is really working at it, but it's been a sloooow process

I think that your ds will have to learn to kind of 'trust' your dh so that he is comfortable with him. I don't mean that your dh isn't a great dad - just that your ds needs to know that his dad 'gets' him and will support him.

In the meantime, we have to get used to having a child attached to us like velcro!

Yes it has to be down to better understanding , because before the verbal dx back last april, DH and i were very much on the same level on how we dealt with ds.
Since then, i have made a big effort to try to figure out my ds (his routines, what he doesn't like, what gets him in a tiz,...and more importantly why?)

For instance i know ds reacts better to a change of activities when he gets told before hand), so i try to tell and explain before it happens, DH doesn't, he will suddenly turn off DS 'dvd because he wants to watch the news... DS starts to scream and cry , then runs off to me saying "daddy naughty".
DH still treats DS very much like an NT child, i mean he doesn't adress ds 'asd difficulties very much. Because DH still refuses to learn what asd is all about.

If DH dedicated half an hour a day to DH/DS- time following DS's lead and figuring out their own games/routines/"things" they do I bet that would solve the problem completely. You'd need to be out of the house and it might take DS a few weeks to warm up to DH.

Will he?

Nope! He won't.
Lingle, i wish my DH would be more cooperative when it comes to DS ' difficulties.

DH does have to look after DS (and DD) 2 afternoons or mornings a week whilst i'm at work. He will take an interest in the kids of course, go to the park, ... but he still hasn't pick up a single book about asd, or tried to learn more about it.

I mean DH is not in denial anymore about DS'asd, he can /will talk about it ...sometimes , but he will not try to understand the condition, the behaviours, the symptoms,... so as a result rarely sees DS'behaviours as a by product of his asd, but as plain and simple naughtiness.
DH still doesn't get it and he shows little patience with DS.
I have tried to get DH to agree to go on an early bird course so that he can listen and learn straight from the horse s'mouth, but he won't.

Hmmm.......

Why won't he? I don't mean this as veiled criticism, (as you know I usually identify much more with the dads than the mums) I mean what goes on in his head and how does he feel when you suggest it?

It's like having two projects at once sometimes isn't it? One for helping the son, one for figuring out how to help the dad help the son!

Well DH isn't one for reading much (so that's not in my favour), and if i suggest a short article, or one of the nas info dvd , he goes beserk!!! He doesn't want to watch "things like that!"
He is so irritating sometimes! When i suggest to him, he wants to try to understand his son's problems, he replies he doesn't need a book for that! Dh is very stubborn...

Truthfully i think dh has accepted that ds has problems and some issues, that he is a bit different, but i don;t think he has accepted fully it is asd.

I made a video that i posted on facebook, it's about ds from babyhood to now, it explains about his "mild" asd , and it has lots of positive stuff , i wanted to show friends and relatives where ds has problems, but that he is also like any other kid, likes to explore outside and runs, laughs,...

DH said he didn't want eveyone to see it, so i had to customize the privacy setting so that only very close people can watch it.
After i posted it DH watched it, and was very emotional about it, he said he had to keep looking away or he would have cried.
I asked him why? because it'isn't a sad video, he said "it hits home because it's all true"...

I thought that would be it.

I so identify with your DH and so would my DH.

Do you think your DH needs to find his own way to tune in to DS?

DH helps DS2 all the time now but asking him to read NAS literature would not press the right buttons at all......

Yes dh can sometimes tune in with ds very well, but as soon as the behaviours starts to come out, dh just lose the plot and snaps.

He is coming next wednesday to see the paed. (he missed the 1st app. because of work) ... i hope it will be an eye opener for dh.

ooh good luck with that. Let's hope he gets on well with the paed.

Hi mysonben

I can sympathise with him too...not so much in the reading stuff but definitely in the watching the film you made...it is hard to witness the challenges etc. My DS has 'banned' me from going in to help in DS's class next year at school because I spend every evening in tears after an afternoon of being a classroom helper. Because school is where DS's difficulties come to the fore, it's sooooo hard to watch.

But - ASD traits/reading aside - it sounds as if the key is in the way DH manages (or rather doesn't manage) DS that is the issue. Do you think that, rather than reading NAS type literature, he might be receptive to your jotting down the key 'behaviour management' techniques you have developed and find useful - just as a guideline as to what works for you and DS? Because the thing is, I bet you anything that all the little strategies that you probably now employ instinctively aren't actually 'ASD specific' - I've read on here over and over that what works best for ASD children is actually 'good practice' anyway and would probably benefit any child. If you noted down your key hints and tips do you think he would read and take these on board?

I just wondered, because the example you posted about DH simply turning off DS's DVD to watch the news really struck me. Most children would have had a problem with that, NT or ASD! Most children, NT or ASD, benefit hugely from being given 'warnings' that activities are about to change, that it's time to go out/go home/eat dinner or whatever...Perhaps he would be more likely to take stuff on board if you presented it to him as just positive, proactive ways to manage behaviour and the individual quirks that all children have?

sorry meant to say DH 'banned' me - not DS!

Amberflower, i might just try that, writing down tips and things that work with DS, without a mention of asd.

And i see what you mean about the tv thing (i too woulg object if someone changed the programme i was watching! ).
I think DH needs to be more patient with ds, and not to expect too much from him (which he does),...

DS has a real issue with sharing, he cannot/will not grast the concept of sharing, and i mean it is extreme, makes it very hard both at home with dd , and at nursery too.
Both nursery and i , have been working hard for ages trying to get ds to understand he needs to share ...a little bit.
When ds snatches a toy dd just got hold off (one of her toys btw) DH ponces on ds to snatch the toy back and shouts at him, instead of trying to explain!

Result, ds starts crying or has a tantrum, which makes ds cries some more! So dh drags ds to the naughty step [humm](which does not work), and i am left to pick up the pieces...

Constantly i "remind" dh that ds has trouble with sharing and to be more understanding, but it's like talking to a brick wall.
There are plenty of situations like this when dh just makes no effort to understand ds' difficulties.

Sorry , this has turned into a rant.
I'm just so fed up with dh 'attitude at the moment.

Meant to say "ds starts crying or has a tantrum, DH shouts some more and ds cries even more"

I wanted to suggest exactly the same as Amberflower has now said.