I got the NT drop-in blues

[Arabica]

DD is starting at a state-run, mainstream nursery in Sept: spanking new and state of the art, with a sure start centre attached, and highly recommended. It takes lots of children from the surrounding area (council flats where everyone seems to know each other) and a small number of children with SN who come from all over the borough.

We've been going to the Tuesday afternoon drop-in to get us both used to the journey and the building. The staff are pleasant enough but despite the fact we have been 4 times in 6 weeks, DD is still running around flitting aimlessly from table to table, from indoors to out. It's supposed to be getting us both used to the place, but tbh it's just highlighting the difference between DD (3 in July) and other NT children near her age. The other mums seem a bit wary of me, and of DD. And the other SN kids have not come along to the same session as me (the only one i can get to).

So I spent 2 hrs there today and didn't really talk to anyone, unless I initiated it (except for the woman who asked if DD was deaf as she saw me using makaton, then proceded to bang on about her daughter, who didn't speak until she was 3 and now you can't shut her up). Feel very sorry for myself: even more so because we also tried out a singing group in the morning which didn't suit DD either...

Feel for you Arabica. I gave up on a lot of groups as couldn't bear that feeling of isolation. Was much happier at home with DS or with good friends.

Luckily he had a very supportive nursery when the time came.

Arabica, my DS1 also has a GDD, the "running around aimlessly from table to table", sounds just like what he used to do at your DD's age.

It is so upsetting, I know exactly how you feel.

He is now 4.5 years old, and his focus has improved so much. He doesn't do the table to table thing anymore. The nursery has been very good for him, I never thought I'd see him sitting on a mat with other children listening to a story, but it's happening.

All I can say is that it is still early days for your DD, give it some time, try not to worry about the other mums and children.

Know how you feel when my ds started preschool I could see the differances and even more now as there approaching 4 but then I look at progress he has made and yes he is nowhere near them and truthfully never will be but hes happy there and doing his own thing.

oh and as for the comments like well my son/daughter was late talking adn now cant stop them and the dnt worry it will come most days i just shrug it of on a bad day Im like erm no it it wont.

Oh it's horrible, been there done that. I think for your own sanity it is essential to mix with as many SN families as you can - do you have a good support group outside of this (so you can arrive home, ring a friend and rant?).

I can remember being in tears during the whole of my DS2's visit to the MS nursery as he was all over the place and screaming. Plus the head didn't bother telling the teachers that he had SN so they were making inappropriate comments like "We are going to have our hands full when he starts".

It took him a few weeks before he settled down, and now he is used to the routine of the MS school he is actually not that bad. Most of the children (seem) to like him and do play with him although there are a few that seem to go out their way to avoid him.

Dd2 3.4 (ASD) started ms nursery 2 months ago and still does the 'flitting aimlessly from table to table'. I get the odd looks from parents when i pick dd2 up and the nursery staff hand me dd2's PEC's book, none of the parents really talk to me a part from a couple that remember me from when dd1 used to go. The children at the nursery love dd2, they love using her PEC's book, learning to sign and using her visual schedual's. Since going to ms dd2's speech has improved and she is so much happier. I don't care what the other parents think as long as dd2 is happy .

Gosh I really feel for you. I think Pipinjo gives some great advice just to get some more SN help if you can. This is the start of pushing very hard to get what your child needs. It goes on and on. I went to my DDs school show yesterday and was sad as usual about how different she is from others in the mainstream primary. I still get looks from other mums when they realize who my daughter isand she is 9. Find out about the other SN children in the nursery and see if you can support each other. Get involved with some special needs groups as they are often much more supportive than mainstream groups. Most importantly the thing I have learnt is not to worry about your DDs behaviour or be embarrassed by it, I saw one mother tell her DD daughter off after an assembly as she was pulling her tights up on stage and people were laughing at her. It's us who have to get over our embarrassment, they are who they are.

Thanks for the messages. DD already has a statement, that's why she will be going to this particular nursery--and when she starts there I might be able to feel more a part of the place, especially if I get to meet the other SN parents.
At the moment she attends a private daycare nursery and has 1:1 as per her statement. The atmosphere is calm and supportive and she is able to focus. So am hoping that once she actually starts the nursery term in Sept, with her new LSA, that things will be v different. It's just that in the meantime we face several more weeks of table-flitting (her) and feeling isolated (me). Inclusion is a wonderful idea, in theory. But why is it that wherever I go with DD--toddler music sessions, 1 o'clock club etc, she is the only one who is obviously not NT? Sure, at some venues there are other children who cannot focus and are running all over the place, but they do so in a very NT, boisterous and communicative way, IYSWIM. We do need an SN drop in in our area, but am already Chair of parent forum, and don't want to take on anything extra (especially not as a sodding volunteer).

I never see other SN children anywhere either. I suspect they must all stay at home, which in a way is understandable but then makes it harder for those who do try. Chicken and Egg situation I suppose.

I haven't got alot of experince in this yet as my DS was told he has a little ASD only a coupl eo fmonths ago but I really do feel embarressed and self conscious about his behaviours and I am desperately trying to stop myself thinking like this. Its so hard.

I took DS to a new 'cafe' today that is part of a childrens centre. You can drop in and have a coffee and a cake with your kids etc etc. We take a board game or colouring and spend 30 mins or so sitting there trying to get DS to get used to socializing a bit more.

Anyway, one of the lady workers came up to me today and asked about DS saying how well behaved he was and I burst into tears!! Poor woman looked aghast!! She sat down and when I told her that he has a little ASD she said "you would never know though" and at that point bang on cue he fell to the floor, shouting, covering up one eye and refusing to talk to her in his usual way.

Bless her she was so sweet and said they were thinking of starting up an ASD support group there and would I be interested! YES YES YES! She said you need somewhere to go where you can meet parents and talk to them about your issues and share tips. Also not have to worry about how 'odd' your kid can seem at times... YES YES YES! This made me realise actually how isolated I had been feeling.

Didn't help that DS's potential new school classmates all went for a stay and play session yesterday and because DS is deferred til Jan he got left out. All the mums were chatting about how wonderful their kids had been "didn't need me at all!!!" (Lucky cows). That really got to me to today I have to say

As I say, not alot of help to you but just wanted to share that I think we all feel this way at times and wanted to give you a hug. xx

Hi Arabica, I feel for you.
Hopefully when your dd starts the proper nursery sessions the structure & her 1to1 may help here settle & do a little less table flitting.
& to offer an excuse alternative approach, maybe you your dd may not be gaining anything from these "drop-ins" if its very informal & she is allowed just to wander will she find it confusing when she goes to nursery & they try to introduce some more structure.

Actually I agree with ananondlikeit do you need to attend these sessions. Maybe better when it starts full time full time. Probably wont remember these sessions anyway when September comes. I'm sure you are used to the journey by now.

Hi Arabica, DD1 is 3.6 and although not with ASD (I am told), has some ASD 'features' as part of her 'condition'. She has a congenital brain malformation, we have just found out.

I know the feeling of simply fielding DD1 and seeing how different she is. She has full 1:1 at mainstream preschool & we are yet to go through the fun of statementing.

If she requires 1:1, why are they not providing it at these drop-in sessions? Or at least support so that you can relax a little, too?

Yes, anon, lou and daisy, am definitely beginning to wonder what the point is of attending the drop-ins! They only have 2 workers and they seem to spend their time helping some of the younger/less involved parents play with their kids. Maybe we will give it a go for 2 more sessions and if it's no better for DD or for me, we will stop. Plus, they only have instant coffee--and no biscuits.
Barmymummy, that's good news about the ASD support group. ASD parents seem very organised IMO. They're the biggest group at our parent forum.
DD isn't ASD, but because she is non-verbal (has the odd word but nothing useful) and she doesn't like crowded places and some sensory stuff, I think she has some issues in common. She's GDD with no overall diagnosis at present, but likely to be S/MLD.
I do get to meet other SN parents at the portage drop-in but am definitely in the market for a local SN-mum buddy.

Where abouts are you?

north-east London.