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My apologies and departure

83 replies

amber32002 · 09/05/2009 06:32

I am so sorry that I have hurt people on here. It was never my intention.

I'm afraid I've discovered I have no way to explain things properly, and that when I try, it hurts people. I wish with all my heart sometimes that I wasn't on the autism spectrum so I didn't put my size 99 feet in things by trying to give too much information, which I think is helpful, but which turns out to be totally insulting

I don't want that for any of you.

Please take care of yourselves - I'll miss you all.

love
Amber

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justaboutspringtime · 10/05/2009 18:04

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amber32002 · 10/05/2009 18:13

I have a ministry?! The Bishops would be arriving at any moment with a large Crozier to drag me off if they thought there was even a hint of Ministry going on Blimeys! You ever seen me trying to explain a bit of a religious text and get it right!? (any religious text - I do multifaith work)? The amount of Imams and Rabbis and Clergy I must have alarmed over the years....

OK, thinking (which is unusually difficult for me at the moment), I've never once thought of anything I do here as a ministry. Just me talking with friends. Is that a ministry? If so we're all doing it.

If God wanted to watch someone making a lot of mistakes, He's certainly in the right place for a front-row seat, I'd agree with that? But I'm reminded of the story of Martha and Mary where the best advice was to Shut Up and Sit Down rather than me keep talking

I think it's also a very scary thing if God was wanting me to be here and I can't do it . How do you know if God wants you to be somewhere? These are thoughts too big for me, I think. But thank you for saying some nice things about me anyway. I may need a long time to make sense of it.

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justaboutspringtime · 10/05/2009 19:29

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amber32002 · 11/05/2009 05:58

Justabout, the practical solutions seem fairly good but may I explain a little more?

on 1) I've already had a couple of people suggest that they might be able to wave at me to alert me, which is very very kind of them. The "I'm feeling a bit down" thing probably won't work,though, as my common sense and danger-awareness is appalling, so I'm normally the last person to know whether I'm able to handle something. The big triggers are very consistent for me, though, so it's not that I'd want to avoid people ranting about their lives ever.

on 2) I have an Accompanier in real life to whom I can talk in absolute confidence. She's a really lovely lady who knows just about everything possible about my ASD and how I respond, and is there to help guide me. But again it's a paid service because I'm not clergy, so every time there's something I can't handle because of the disability, I have to pay to get the help for myself . I so wish we didn't have this as a system for our children, I really do. But that's what's ahead of them. That or just staying in their houses and never risking anything.

  1. By the time I've panicked, there is no way for me to remember to post up any notes of use to other people. Same principle as if you'd just put your hand on a burning surface and were about to withdraw your hand, scream and run. You wouldn't be able to take the time to write others a note about it first. I can't either. It hurts as much as that kind of "putting your hand on the stove" thing, and my reaction is that automatic. If it were under my control to that extent, it wouldn't be a disability, it'd just be a difference. Difficult, isn't it.

on 4) I'm not sure about emotional needs, but I do think we need to find a way to handle disability needs. I'm very hopeful that we can find solutions that can reasonably allow everyone (note the word everyone) enough space to be able to use the service for their needs. Mumsnet can create any amount of different spaces for people - they do new message boards for other things, so it can't be impossible to create a safer one and a controversial one if they so wished and decided, flagged up as such.

And people can find their way to the SN board, so I'm sure it's no more difficult to find their way if it was subdivided a little in some way that suits everyone (note the word everyone).

Elsewhere, one of the longest running and biggest boards has three types of board - safe, debating, and hell. And so if you park up in the safe bit and someone starts a controversial debate, it gets booted to the debate bit. If it gets into personal exchanges, off it goes to hell. It works incredibly well. People love it. They can rant in the hell bit, or chill out in the safe bit, or have a robust debate in the debating bit.

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justaboutspringtime · 11/05/2009 08:22

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amber32002 · 11/05/2009 08:43

Nope. Ten months of trying to do that yielded not one clergyperson willing to help me, alas. They were all permanently 'too busy' . Even me asking for a couple of minutes of help to understand a sermon took ten months for one person to agree to. Why? Well, we can hazard a guess. Non-ASD colleagues got seen almost straight away.

I run out of ways to ask for help sooner or later. It's why I do the work I do - because through all sorts of service providers I've been on the receiving end of what seems like a thousand different varieties of

"we wish you weren't here, Amber - you make us feel uncomfortable by your presence - maybe you can sit in the corner if you do nothing different from anyone else, and want nothing - then we'll let you stay, but no way will we help you, no way at all. We'll be out when you phone, we'll be away when you call at the door, we'll say our email isn't working each time, we'll tell you we'll ring back but we have such intention".

If I asked nothing, wanted nothing for myself or for others, it'd be much easier for me, eh?

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justaboutspringtime · 11/05/2009 09:10

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amber32002 · 11/05/2009 09:15

To be fair, I did finally find a solution to some of it with a church, who have put in place support for me, but the actual spiritual accompaniment has turned out to be too much of a challenge for any of the free services. It's why the guidelines were created, because the senior staff were at the realisation of how far behind many denominations and faiths were with this sort of thing.

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