So Sad:(

[JaysMum]

It's my little mans birthday today.....it should be a happy morning, but it isn't.
J woke up in a horrid mood....I know it's because he hates disruption and doesnt like the upset in the house of presents etc.
A friend suggested I wrap his presents in cellophane because he wouldnt open any christmas presents because the gifts are hidden from view and he doesnt know if he wants whats inside.
He definatly doesnt like the element of surprise!!

Hubby was so excited because we had bought J a new bike. The cards and smaller presents were opened...so the cellophane overcome the problems we have faced in previous years....big brother bought him another pocket watch to add to his every growing collection....so we had a smile.

The bike was put in the kitchen and after all gifts were opened, hubby called J into the kitchen. The bike was smack bang in the middle of the kitchen......J didnt see it. He just stood in the kitchen with his nose two mm from his new watch........

I feel so sad. J doesnt get excited about anything. It just brings it all home to me when he behaves so different to ds1. I'm sat here hateing myself because I should know better. I should understand. I should not feel like this......but I do and I hate myself for it.

I hate myself for sitting and wishing J didnt behave the way he does......thats like saying I hate my son....he is who he is......but I want him not to be sat on the floor screaming because he wants the bike carried upstairs so no one can see it. He doesnt want it to go outside, EVER. Its too shiny and sparkly. It cant get dirty.

Today is a big day because my ds1 is sitting his entrance exam for a scholarship at an independent school.....now he is in tears because J has biten him and kicked him.......

Hubby is trying to sort out the battles that are going on....I gave up after J threw a cup at me.....

Oh poo......I cant see for tears.....why does it have to be like this??????
I just wish for one day we could magic away J's problems and have just a normal happy day......

Oh honey, there is nothing I can say because I have no idea what you're going through - I just wanted to send you

xxxx

Oh Jaysmum , I don't really know what to say except please, please don't feel bad for wishing that sometimes it were different. We all have days, & sometimes weeks, when we wish it were easier, normal.....
I'm so sorry the day's got off to a bad start, but it's only 08:00 so there's plenty of day left for it to improve. I really hope things get easier as the day progresses.
I have everything crossed for your ds1.

No, it isn't at all like saying you hate your son. You love your son, which is why it's so, so hard. You want him to be happy, to have an easier life than the one he has - that's not terrible, that's being a Mum. You're doing the best you can, don't beat yourself up. I hope J manages a few happy moments on his birthday; good luck to ds1 today; and be kind to yourself - I've read lots of your posts and you're amazing. (((HUGS)))

No-one could ever say you hate your son. I too have read your posts and it's obvious you do everything you can to help him. I hope today ends up better than it started out. Happy Birthday J.

jaysmum
aahhh honey please dont feel bad as what you feel is totally normal and we all wish that sometimes.

i took my three ds,s to the school fireworks last night,dh was sick so i took them by myself,the noise and stimulation was too much for ds2 he kept bolting and i spent much of the time running after him and trying to calm him down,there was alot of screaming and by the time i got home i was totally stressed out and a bit tearful and i also wished that things could be different

i hope your little man enjoys the rest of his birthday and good luckand good vibes

Sorry it was not a good day for you

loadsa hugs xxxxxxx

I'm so sorry the day got off to such a bad start, Jaysmum. I hope it gets better for all of you.

Good luck to your ds1 for his exam.

Happy Birthday to Jay.

Don't know what to say to make things better JM. I think you are a FANTASTIC mother. If its any help my ds was a hugely anxious, angry child for several years but when I try to talk to him about it now he says he doesn't remember feeling like that!!!!

Oh JaysMum, you have me blubbing into my keyboard!It is on these "special days" that it all seems to hit home. Deep down, like you have said-we all want these special days to be a "normal happy days" but when that doesn't happen I tend to feel it my own fault and beat myself up! I can't help myself, I always aim high and feel that I have not achieved what I wanted to.

Perhaps I need to look at it all from another perspective. Think about some of the really hard times we have had with dd, and that would make it all seem better.

Sorry, enough of my rambling! Can you see what I am trying to say? I can't- I think I have finally lost the plot!

The day is still young, chin up, deep breath, big smile and face the music!

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}] Dingle.xx

hope the day gets better for all of you. You sound like a great Mum to me ((hugs))

You sound like a wonderful, loving mum to me. We all wonder if we hate our kids occasionally, you know. JaysMum, sending you a big hug, and hoping the rest of J's birthday goes OK. Good luck to ds1 with his exam too - I know from a friend's experience that it can be such a double-edged sword, seeing your NT child soaring off into high academic achievement while your SN child's genuine progress is ignored by other parents and family.

I don't think it'll matter much what anyone says to try and make you feel better today, you'll still feel lousy. The bad days suck, and the only consolation is that you'll come out the other side feeling better and hopefully a bit stronger and you'll start again. It's hard to learn from past experiences of knowing that you can't expect what parents of 'normal' children can - I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it. But for what it's worth, although I barely know you having only been on this board for a couple of weeks myself, it does seem that you're an excellent parent who puts her kids first, accepts them for who they are and would fight tooth and claw for them. Don't beat yourself up for feeling disappointed - you're only human after all and you're entitled to have human emotions, even the negative ones.

So sorry Jaysmum, the special occasions are a killer aren't they? (My ds had a shiny new bike that he has now outgrown without ever having sat on it). The trouble is, part of you thinks that your child would be happier without any presents(as they can find the whole experience very daunting) , but to make no effort would be like saying that he or she wasn't as important as your other children. Then having bought the gifts, cake etc you can't help but get your hopes up that THIS time they will enjoy their special day like any other kid. Knowing deep down that it isn't going to happen doesn't stop the reality feeling like a new twist of the knife.

I hope your ds gets some fun out of his birthday, it certainly sounds as though he likes his new watch. I know that you don't hate your son, otherwise you wouldn't be so upset now, and you wouldn't be trying so hard to make his life better.

And good luck to Ds1!

Jaysmum I dont know what to say .From reading your post you come across as a wonderful mum.
I hope his day has got better and that you all enjoy something today.
Also good look to your eldest ds very stressful day for him and you .My eldest sat his 11+ scholarship exam last month so know how you feel.

You sound like a very caring mum to me, you might hate the way your ds behaves sometimes, but you are certainly not saying that you hate your son.
It's only natural to feel excited about your ds birthday and when you don't get the reaction that you so much want,it's not surprising that you found it very upsetting. And as for knowing better, well then I'm just in the same boat then, I always expect more and then get despondent when things don't go to plan. Maybe we'll never fully understand, I don't know. I really hope the day has improved and you've had a few smiles.

Horrific day.....birthdays should be banned.

Oh Jays Mum

Oh honey, sending u big hugs ((((((xxxxxx))))))

I echo what everyone has else has said, you are a fantastic mother and love your son for the person he is. However, it is perfectly fine to want some normality for you and your family. I often feel the way you do, just wish that things could be different, easier. Doesn't mean I don't love dd for the wonderful little person that she is.

I can honestly say that you have been such an inspiration to me. Your strength has really helped me when I have been feeling low (quite often) and you have given me the strength to carry on.

You are only human remember and have coped admirably in difficult circumstances.

I just want you to know that J is so lucky to have a mum that obvioulsy adores and cares for him so much.

You know where I am if you need me.

Lots of love and hugs Blossom xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh jaysmums, sitting here in tears. feeling a bit emotional anyway but your post sent me over the edge. Feeling for you big time sweet. A day of "normality" aye, whatever that is! What can I say to you? Not a lot really babes, but glad you posted, glad you shared and like I said feeling for you.

all the same hope your little man had a good day and that you managed a few smiles. Tomorrow is another, and hopefully a better day.
TC xxxxx

THIS IS LONG...IGNORE THE RAMBLINGS OF A MOANING OLD BAT!!!!

Firstly let me just say a huge Thanks for your kind words. This has quite possibly been the most horrid day. I wish I could say that you have made me feel better.....but I cantI feel so crap and so very sad.

Finally little man has collapsed into his bed and I wont be far away from the land of nod!!!!

I am totally exhausted. J has worn me out today. He has been constantly fighting and pushing every boundary possible. The whole routine thing is so very important for him and when the slightest little thing gets changed, then all hell breaks loose and my shins get sore!!!!

I just feel so very angry with myself for wanting an easier life just for one day. I was so worried about ds1 and his visit to the independent school. To attend this school is something he wants more than anything....I'm not sure because he will have to board. In one way I know it will be so good for him and our relationship will move on to a different level because I will appreciate every second I get to spend with him. Ds1 has a tough old time with J and is often used as J's own personal punch bag. Ds1 wants his space.....I understand that, but it hurts like crazy that he wants to be away from us.

Whilst we were at the school visit J stayed with my oldest and dearest friend. The little so and so was a complete angel for her!!!! The minute I returned he started to spin and stim.He hit ds1 so hard in the face and gave me a few hefty digs. Why????
Poor old ds1 confessed to dearest friend that he hates J and is fed up with being hit all the time....J spoils everything!!!!
The whole day I have been counting to ten, slowly!!!!It's the constant pulling, pushing, biting, scratching, kicking, shouting and squealing that has driven me to complete distraction!!! I just wanted him to have a nice birthday and it didn't happen.

The saddest part of the day for me was when dearest friend pulled out some old photographs of J when he was two......I sat looking at them and just couldn't stand the pain of looking at his face.

He was dressed in my favourite pair of dungarees I had bought for him. His face was so chubby, with a smile so big and cheery. His eyes had a twinkle to them and he looked so content. It hurt so bloody much just looking at the face of a toddler I loved with all my heart.....where has he gone?? I just broke down and sobbed my heart out.....luckily little man was upstairs and didnt see me....he was far to preoccupied with beating the crap out of ds1!!!!

When we returned home I had to pop out to the post office to collect a parcel that had arrived for J's birthday. My neighbour agreed to look after both boys for me and supervise closely whilst the guys were in her garden with her son. I was only gone 10 minutes and during this time J gave her the third degree.....it's a good job we are such good friends and she understands J's behaviour....I think anyone else would have stuck him in the car and driven him to the deepest depths of the moors and dumped him there!!!!

J's inability to play is causing real problems. He really doesnt get the underwritten rules of social communication and interaction. He really believes that I know everything he is thinking and that others understand his thoughts. He has shouted at me all day, telling me I'm a liar because I should know what he is thinking and I should know what he is feeling. His one and only friend is now giving him a wide berth because J is so unpredictable. J doesnt understand why B doesnt want to play anymore.....I dont blame the child....I wouldnt want to play with him when your not sure if/when the next punch or kick is coming!!!!

So thats why I wish just for one day I could wake up and be greeted by a child with a smiley face....a child who says "morning mommy....I love you....what can we do thats nice today?".....and because I find myself wishing this....I hate myself even more. I despise the feelings I have at the moment. I want to hold my baby in my arms and have him smile back at me....but I want the baby I had....not the the little devil I have now who is more likely to bite me than give me a kiss.

I think things are so much more painful because ds1 is so bright, so popular, so talented in his sports and so very independent. I watch him developing and see how he is flourishing and then poor J is so very far behind in everything. He struggles with everything he has to do. It just hurts so much.

Ds1 has be awarded a full scholarship to the school.....he is so excited and Sept wont come soon enough for him. Sad to think I will have one going off to private school and another starting special school.

Oh how I wish things could be easier for J. How I wish I could think his thoughts and feel his emotions. I just want him to be happy and I dont know how to make him smile anymore. He is so angry when anyone is around....if its just us two on our own then he isnt so bad....he has me all to himself far to often and ds1 and dh miss out on so much.

Oh poo.....I have moaned on far too long........tomorrow is another day....J could be a smiley monster tomorrow....lets just wait and see.

Oh babes, words fail me. I just don't know what to say, and anything i do so will see so.....useless.

I'll send sleepyjess over here if I can, she helped me a lot last night.

TC xx

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Oh Jaysmum.

It's not wrong to wish for a day of 'normality'. I know I regularly do.

I wish I could think of something to help but my mind is completely blank. Feel free to CAT me if you need someone to talk to. xxx

Jaysmum sorry to be completely useless... but other than to tell you that I think your strength and courage are amazing and inspiring,(don't cringe.. 'cos I do when people say this to me.. but you really deserve it!).. I just don't know what to say to help. It must be so hard on days like you had yesterday, to cut through all the torment and see the special little boy that is..and always will be.. inside J. It doesn't seem unreasonable to assume that there are professionals out there who can help him to live with himself, and fully appreciate the love of his family feel for him and want to give him so that he, (and ultimately you!) get a break from all the fighting. I hope you get the dx you need soon and that this helps you get the help you need. If I 'knew' you in RL.. or lived near you.. I would come round and give him Reiki healing while he slept (as I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate some strange woman laying her hands on him and they don't come stranger than me!), as at the very least, this is calming and gives a sense of wellbeing. (As an example, I was using it on my sister last w/end who was in hopsital and in literally idescribable agony with a sickle cell crisis (one of the most agonsing conditions in existence.) The Reiki didn't touch the pain.. diamorphine did that eventually!.. but it calmed her down so that she could breath normally. It was good to be able to do something)

Sorry, digressing there. I want to send you lots and lots of (((((((((hugs))))))))))))for what their worth. I wish I could help.. we all do. And lots of ~~~~~~~~Virtual Hug Vibes~~~~~~~ for J... that might help him without him knowing he is being hugged!

SJ x