How to handle dd meltdowns

[helpwiththispleasee]

So a quick background, I have 3 children, ds12, diagnosed autistic, goes to a sen school, honestly he’s no bother, had his special interests and he’s generally a happy kid.
I have 2 younger children, ds2 and dd just turned 4. Ds2 just been referred for asd assessment (whether it gets accepted or not is another thing)
Dd is a really loving and smart little girl, but when she kicks off, she kicks off, she will throw, hit, punch, bite, trash the room and god help anyone who’s in her way.
She has such a temper on her, it’s like this red mist comes over her and you cannot get through to her until she eventually calms down, usually i just have to hold her until she slumps into your arms in tears, but this can go on for ages until she reaches that point.
Usually these meltdowns happen when she’s asked to share something, or asked to do something she doesn’t want to do. She’s quite rigid, has to have things a certain way or she gets upset. For example, if she asks me for help on the toilet, it has to be me, even if her dad goes instead she will scream until I come, or vice versa. She is very very loud. When she gets to the point of the throwing things I’ve started putting her in the playroom and shutting the door, we have an old school breakfast hatch that I watch her through and make sure she isn’t going to hurt herself, I keep asking her every now and again if she’s ready for a cuddle. Eventually she says yes.
Is this bad of me? I keep thinking I shouldn’t be shutting her in a room but more than anything it’s so her younger brother doesn’t get a whack or something thrown at him. I’m not sure what else to do ? Would really appreciate some advice on this as I get overwhelmed with her meltdowns and not sure if I could be doing something else ?

Bump

Just bumping this for you OP.
MNHQ

Thank you

Has DD been referred for an autism assessment?

Has DD just started reception or is she still in nursery?

Is she receiving any support at school/nursery, particularly around emotional literacy?

Has DD had an OT assessment?

Have you tried keeping a diary to spot triggers and patterns? It is far easier, although not easy, to try to deescalate the situation before DC reach the point of no return.

How are DD’s eating and sleeping?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful.

I would look to remove/secure as much as possible that could be thrown.

Do you have any sensory toys/equipment?

Personally, I wouldn’t shut DD in the playroom.

She is in nursery 4 days a week. Nursery asked the area senco to come and observe her but they refused and just told them to keep doing what they’re doing (I’m guessing they’ve been told there is too many on the waiting lists already) they are using star charts which she does respond well too. We also use one at home.
She also has developed a stutter and speech and language also refused the referral.

She wakes in the night and there is alot of sleep talking/thrashing about, doesn’t stop talking even in her sleep lol. In the day she absolutely refuses to give in if she’s tired, then eventually she will just collapse and fall asleep all of a sudden.

Yes we do have alot of sensory toys, most recently one of those spinning seats which she loves.

She hasn’t had assessments of any kind.

How could I calm her down ? She is lethal once she is worked up

Why did the Area SENCO reject the referral?

What support is the nursery already providing and what have they tried that hasn’t worked? Have they referred to any other agencies? If they need more funding to provide support, have they applied for early years inclusion funding?

I would request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, ISPEA has a model letter you can use.

I would look to get her referred for an autism assessment and also a more general referral to a paed to discuss sleep (or a sleep clinic).

Some LAs have drop in OT and SALT sessions for preschool DC. I would check if your area does.

If have haven’t already, I would complain about SALT refusing the referral.

Sometimes you ‘just’ have to ride the meltdown out rather than look to calm DD down once she has already reached that point.

You could try holds such as a bear hold or wrapping in a towel/blanket, but for some this would increase dysregulation. Some find food/snacks help break the meltdown, but that only works for some, for others the meltdowns are too far gone for that to work. Some find music, certain lighting (dimming or coloured) or directing to sensory equipment/toys work, but again it is so individual.