Does it get easier? My 10-year-old wants friends but doesn’t know how to make them

[Tomorrowsanotherday1]

Looking for advice. My daughter is 10, in year 6, she has suspected ADHD and she wants friends but isn’t great socially, so she ends up doing attention-seeking stuff like dancing or chasing which makes others feel awkward and I can see that kids at school don’t want her around as she annoys them or they are embarrassed to be with her. It doesn’t help that alot of her peers have suddenly matured but she hasn’t at the same rate. I’ve tried to explain more appropriate ways with some role play and I think bits are sticking.

At the school disco she actually did really well but it’s still upsetting to watch her not being included. She’s so desperate for friends.

I’m wondering, for parents who’ve been here, what actually helped? Like roleplay, books, online courses or things to watch? Did it get better with age? Because I’m honestly exhausted and worried about the transition to high school and I could really use some hope.

Does DD do any extra-curricular activities? Some DC find it easier to make friends when there is a common interest that is the focus.

Some find 1:1 interaction easier than group interaction.

Has DD had any support with social communication and interaction?

Hi
Thanks for replying. She has done some extra curricular things like dancing and cheer with other groups of children. Her interest for it has fizzled over time. Plus as settling to sleep has been an issue due to suspected ADHD, training after school started to have an opposite effect on her behaviour as she was so tired. Unfortunately her busy brain doesn’t slow down when she’s tired it gets faster. So we made the decision last year to stop it.

Funnily enough I am trying to get her into the local guides which has a long waiting list, as feel like that could help her and as her sleep is better as she has melatonin now she is less tired.

When you ask about support, she is working with the school counsellor on behaviour and we as parents coach and advise.

I was hoping there were some brilliant books, classes or programmes out there which people could recommend.

I don't think a 10 year old with ADHD will learn to modify their behaviour from a book, I don't think it would be very healthy either, that's rather masking, isn't it? If you want theoretical support, google 'ELSA' material or ask school whether they can run an ELSA or social skills intervention group. I would rather just try to widen the net a bit to look for chemistry. As pp says, tapping into shared interests via extracurriculars is usually the way forward. You could just try a lot of taster sessions to find a group she fits in comfortably. Also groups that have a wide age range could be helpful. Either an older more mature child could 'adopt' her or she feels more comfortable around younger ones and could get confidence from being a 'leader' or 'helper' among younger ones. Are there any cousins or friends of yours with children (not necessarily same age as your daughter) and you could set up a joined outing? Of course teach her the basics, like listen to what others say and want, compromise, smile, be kind - but ultimately she has to be herself and find her type of tribe. They all do and so will your daughter. School is just a very artificial set up, you might have nothing in common apart the year of birth, so once you look further you'll find.

If groups after school don’t work for DD, would she try extra-curriculars at weekends?

Do you have a group/youth group for DC with additional needs locally? They don’t work for all, but some find them helpful for making friends.

I would speak to the school about further support. Things like ELSA, Lego therapy, nurture groups, forest school sessions, social skills support.

You could also look at SALT and OT. Both can help with communication and interaction. As DD gets older, you could also look at an ADHD coach.

Some find watching TV helpful to talk through character behaviour. Some girls can learn a lot from this.

For a book, there is The Social Survival Guide for Teens on the Autism Spectrum, but it is aimed at slightly older girls. Not all find it helpful either.

Thanks both
Super useful. School are helping but I’ve not heard them mention ELSA so I’ll speak to them about that. Also never thought of an ADHD coach when she is older if it’s needed.

She’s wonderful with smaller children. Noticeably so, and school support this leadership side of things.

Sounds like my instincts around joining guides or something out of school might go along way. I’m going to keep trying different things. Something might stick and she might explore other friendships.

thanks for your help