I cant do this anymore, absolutely cannot cope, children are so difficult

[13MAPARTHELL]

For context I have a 4 year old, diagnosed autism (pda) & a 3 year old with eczema who is on immunosuppressants. My 3 year old screams constantly he never sleeps, he wakes like a newborn & has a extremely strong parental preference to his dad in which case he does not respond to a single thing I say or do.

My 4 year old with ASD, he’s behaviours are displayed as bullying type, anti social behaviours, he hits his brother CONSTANTLY as well as myself, he is high functioning in terms of development for context I understand that its not his fault, i am just trying to explain the behaviours in a clear way.

obviously life is tough anyway, but i seriously do not have the patience, maturity to deal with them. My OH is constantly judging me and is somewhat a hipster parent who gives a look whenever I put the TV on, is anti vax, is anti certain plastics, is anti flouride and so on.

i feel like he’s constantly judging me, but I almost do not have capacity anymore, I feel if I ended my life he could live hes hippy fantasy and raise the kids how he sees fit, they have a parent who is more relaxed and he will meet someone new who can be better with them than I can.

its like mornings are hell, bedtime is hell, daytime is also hell and I dont see light at the end of the tunnel

i dont want to play with them, i quite honestly wish nothing more than i could just close my eyes and wake up with them being older, and everyone tells you to never wish it away!

every part of it just overwhelms me massively

has anyone come out the other side 😭

Do you use a preschool? I would like about putting them into some form of early years setting to give you a break

This is with them both at school / preschool (i know its terrible) i honestly feel like I cant work, im just always running on empty working and dealing with this, but I also do not want to live on benefits 😭

I’m sorry, this sounds so hard. And your husband isn’t helping. Are the children in school or nursery? I think it’s time to put your needs first for a bit and work out how to get a break from the kids. Do you work at the moment? I stayed at home for 4 years with my two and was ready to murder someone by the time I went back to work. What did you enjoy doing pre-kids? Could you make sure you do something for you every week? It will get easier when they are both in school. Good luck 💚

Just read your post above: it is easy to feel trapped but push through and look for part time work. Also, have you sat down with your husband told him how you feel?

I’m sorry it’s so hard. Your partner sounds utterly useless. Perhaps going back to work, although it may be tough at first, it will give you money and therefore freedom to make some decisions about the future.

Thank you! I think its because my job is in safeguarding and I work from home full time, so there is also no social element, no co workers & im always sat in the smashed up house etc. i think i need to look for a different kind of work to really get that break

Are you in the uk? I ask because pda is rarely diagnosis is rare in the UK and high functioning hasn’t been used in over a decade. If you’re not in UK then my advice would be more generic. Has he been diagnosed woth pda? I ask as there is a lot of different types of avoidance within autistic prople and the advice varries depemding on the root cause.

That’s a great idea OP. WFH sounds like paradise but in reality many of us are keen to leave the house for a few hours a day.

You do need an honest conversation with your DH though. If he doesn’t change, how do you see the relationship progressing?

You would be better off a single parent. You would be better off getting rid. I think I read a previous thread of yours recently.

Better to work and be a single parent claiming something than being hampered by a useless man.

Can you find a third space to work from? Even one or two mornings a week?

Hi yes so its not a standalone diagnosis, but his ASD report clearly states in multiple sections that it is highly believed by 4 child psychologists that he fits PDA profile of ASD, he has an extreme need for control of all situations, even strangers outside of the home due to anxiety of feeling powerless etc, and even little things like nobody can speak to him first, or his family first & at the park, nobody can use the park he will actively get in the way of others to ensure they cant use something, even if hes not playing in that section etc

Leave. If you’re unhappy, and your husband is a judgemental twat, leave. Men leave the family all the time, you would need to pay child support and get a job and support yourself, but there is nothing stopping you from walking away tomorrow. If you’re at the point where you have no joy in your family, and you sound desperately unhappy, maybe a break would force your husband to appreciate how tough it is, and if not, he can deal with the children & you can share custody

My Children are now teens you are me some years ago. It gets better, however, you need to speak to DH or ignore him altogether for not being helpful. You are not here to please him Remember this, he is not your manager at the end of a task to sign-off!!! (Is there a large age gap between you?)

Set up your day with the best intentions for not giving a shit at his tuts/ eye rolls etc... promise you it's not the Children. It's DH draining you!!!

Remember you are part of a team, if he goes hippy and wacky- How is your teammate supporting you?? Shift your thinking, is he for or against you? Call him out!? Maybe he's not realising how he is it's affecting you.

Do what you need to, balance the childcare, do something nice just for you for even just for few moments in the day.

This is honestly a really good idea!!

I am 100% going to do this

This sounds so difficult.
Does the 4 year old have ear defenders? The constant screaming must be causing him great stress too and contributing to his behaviour.

Ive never thought to get him some, but i am going to try this because no doubt my other child is impacting his nervous system and aggression etc, I feel like I also need them 😂

Thank you this has made me feel better!
and no we are around the same age, like hes a twat tbh with you, its the parent he wants to be but I have to say he does not implement his own ideas?! He also does not help with housework which drives me insane - its easy for him to judge me when he deals with them for only 2 hours a day. Its like, yes in a perfect world he would sit down and colour at 5am instead of watching TV, but in our world, someone is getting stabbed with the pencil, he just cant accept what our reality is as parents of a neurodivergent child.

I just reread your OP and spotted your mention of ending your life due to feeling so overwhelmed.
do you think you are depressed? If so, seeing your GP could help.
Remember it won't always be like this. The children will grow and change.
I'm sorry it's so hard for you at the moment. It sounds like you need a lot more support and your husband needs to step up.💐

I can sympathise with working in safeguarding from home - it’s quite isolating and sitting in your home when it’s a mess is horrible - mine is a building site and it’s miserable and cold. I use hot desk options in a local office, it’s an effort to go but it’s worth it.

The behaviours you talked about combined with with how you described your dp makes me wonder if part of the issue is differences in parenting and him (not you) being inconsistent with boundaries hence the need for your 4 year old to want to control the situation. Many young children will be showing these tendencies as they try to make sense and find place in the world. The fact you have multiple child psychologists involved seems highly unusual, were they engaged privately?

the things you mention are common in many children when young, it’s when they are still doing it at 6,8, 10 … the problems really occur, been there, but i needed an nhs diagnosis, plus a educational psychologist report via school they wouldn’t accept private

Damn, I just wrote out a post of solidarity and advice but lost it! Long story short: do what works, whatever that looks like for you. Discount DP. He's not the one doing it. Do something for yourself each week. This organisation can help with the hitting:

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response
https://share.google/jBjqkrcP5kFVvwR9K

I have a PDA 12 year old. It doesn't get easier exactly but they can do a lot of things for themselves now and sleep is much better and violence almost gone.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I think it would help for you to get some separation of work and home, if there is no office can you have a desk in a wework type place?
I would also look at thinks like COOK meals and possibly a cleaner.
In terms of your son with the screaming and eczema, he’s obviously had investigations as he’s on immune suppression but could it be an allergy that is causing him pain?
My DS is allergic to a lot of things and he screams and screams when he’s been given something, that the eczema and lots of poo 😫 were the only symptoms but he is a different child now. It could be environmental like dog, dust, cleaning products not just food.
I think hopefully as your 3 year olds language develops he might be able to tell you why he’s screaming which in turn will help you and your other son.

One of the many, many specialists/counsellors/therapists DH and I have seen in the last 10 years said (our DC is AuDHD): "ADHD isn't caused by bad parenting. But it can cause bad parenting".

What she meant was no-one does their best work sleep-deprived and being hit, kicked and spat at. Fair enough, right?

The most useful person we saw was an NVR therapist. There's lots of resources online for that (Yvonne Newbold).

Books that are good are The Explosive Child (Greene) and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein).

Yes so this was private, multi disciplinary and also we went private with other psychologists & this one is accepted by the NHS / hes also had a sensory profiling report etc & occupational therapist report

he 100% has autism, this is the least of the behaviours, he is very violent and unable to socialise safely, thats a whole other issue currently with the school etc.

there definitely is a difference in parenting more his dad is more calm, simply because he has the capacity to be where during the week he is with them only for an hour or 2 at bedtime, compared to myself of course, I deal with the mornings and 3pm onwards with some help from dad from about 6/7

they spent around 3/4 hours with him alone, and I was very suprised that they said they are happy to diagnose even without school records but that they will take this, as they are so certain he has ASD. He does fit the profile so neatly for PDA, it really is very extreme with his need for constant control and refusal, he doesn’t understand heirarchy at all either, he cant accept boundaries etc, this might change as he gets older he turns 5 soon, they did confirm this is by all accounts the most difficult age range for his issues. But yeah, I paid a shit load of money for all this, worked 9-5 then overtime every day 8-3am sometimes