I cant do this anymore, absolutely cannot cope, children are so difficult

[13MAPARTHELL]

For context I have a 4 year old, diagnosed autism (pda) & a 3 year old with eczema who is on immunosuppressants. My 3 year old screams constantly he never sleeps, he wakes like a newborn & has a extremely strong parental preference to his dad in which case he does not respond to a single thing I say or do.

My 4 year old with ASD, he’s behaviours are displayed as bullying type, anti social behaviours, he hits his brother CONSTANTLY as well as myself, he is high functioning in terms of development for context I understand that its not his fault, i am just trying to explain the behaviours in a clear way.

obviously life is tough anyway, but i seriously do not have the patience, maturity to deal with them. My OH is constantly judging me and is somewhat a hipster parent who gives a look whenever I put the TV on, is anti vax, is anti certain plastics, is anti flouride and so on.

i feel like he’s constantly judging me, but I almost do not have capacity anymore, I feel if I ended my life he could live hes hippy fantasy and raise the kids how he sees fit, they have a parent who is more relaxed and he will meet someone new who can be better with them than I can.

its like mornings are hell, bedtime is hell, daytime is also hell and I dont see light at the end of the tunnel

i dont want to play with them, i quite honestly wish nothing more than i could just close my eyes and wake up with them being older, and everyone tells you to never wish it away!

every part of it just overwhelms me massively

has anyone come out the other side 😭

My DD has a diagnosis of "ASD with PDA features". From NHS paediatricians who run a charity clinic that basically serves a huge area (at a cost to parents of course) because it is so difficult to get any help from the state.

It is not at all unusual sadly in this country for parents with SEND kids to have spent thousands and thousands out of their own pockets on various professionals and assessments.

We can't just wait and wait while our children's difficulties destroy our lives, careers, marriages and mental health.

Get that office space OP. Get it this week!

Thank you, I will definitely look into these!

yes so he has been tested for allergies, and there arent any allergies they could find, sadly my dad and grandad are on exactly the same immunosuppressant for the same issue, all of my family on my dads side have severe eczema, my 3 year olds skin makes no natural oils, and the itch is constant, he causes flare ups from his own scratching, and we have used every type of antihistamine & we have used melatonin & 10 million creams etc but nothing alleviates that itch - my cousins on my dads side were wet wrapped from birth daily, my uncle has vitiligo- theres a long history sadly of genetic skin disorders, so I dont hold out hope

I also wonder if it's possible your DH is autistic himself. I have an autistic husband and son and yes there's an obvious difference between being autistic and just being a twat 😂 but actually since I've realised what accommodations help DH our relationship has improved so much. I don't in any way mean excusing bad behaviour, I mean for example my husband appears to cope in social events yet never wants to go and is always massively unreasonable after one. So now he just doesn't go unless it would cause a lot of upset not to. He wasn't diagnosed until late 30s and had never actually reflected on which parts of life felt really hard compared to other people. Could this be a possiblity for your husband? The antivax etc stuff jumped out at me as that is a possible need for control in himself.

Further to that, do you have a local organisation for neurodiversity? We have one here that has been so helpful for our family and I go to their in person parent meet up every month. It helps so much as without it you can feel so alone in it - but remember, you are not alone. There are thousands of us and we get it, we SO get it. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you OP.

Regarding the school issues, please post on here. A lot of us have experience with these issues. My DD is doing OK fingers crossed in year 8 of a mainstream secondary but my God the paperwork to get to that stage!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Seconding @Sprookjesbos . It became obvious my husband was AuDHD when our DC was diagnosed. It certainly explains a LOT.

Can you take a week for yourself and take a trip or stay with friends/family? You need a break before you burn out and breakdown. Your DH needs to understand the realities of daily life. And if you come home and everything is fabulous and calm you’ve learned you need to switch roles and let him become the primary caregiver.

ive booked an adult weekender with my friends next weekend! For my 30th (actually on NYE 😂) i absolutely cannot wait, I need it so much, it wont be relaxing but I am hopeful for some sleep, even if i do have a per bed bug 😂

I don't know a lot about eczema (except it's very difficult to manage) but I do know that a lot of research is ongoing (I saw a very interesting presentation from a young doctor who suffered from it about 10 years ago) so I hope that there may be new treatments in your son's lifetime.

It's really not surprising that you're feeling awful with all that going on! You are evidently very tough and capable to have coped.

Can you do something for yourself each week? What do you like to do?

Can you work more and he reduces/changes his hours to do more of the wrap-around childcare?

My children's needs are nearly as complex as yours', but still I found the repetitiveness of morning and evening routines really hard on my own. My husband changed jobs a few months ago and we now share the morning routine, and it made a huge difference. I can start work earlier on some days which is great for my workload. We have different approaches with the kids, so it allows everyone to have a bit of a break.

But if your husband straight away refuses to take on more of the children duties, then honestly he can keep his brilliant hippy ideas for himself :).

Hi there,
We're sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time at the moment and pleased that you are already receiving helpful and constructive advice. We have moved your post to the board for parents of kids with SN but could change that to Relationships if that hits the spot better?
Just with reference to your thread title, however, we should drop off this information for you. Of course you may not need it but you will have it here if you change your mind.
First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. There are many organisations listed which can provide you with some support. If you're feeling very low, you can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected] or by calling 116 123.
You can also get help from a text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. It's a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on your phone bill.
And finally, here's a link to Mind's pages on Tips for everyday living and How to improve your mental wellbeing.
It does sound like you have a lot on your plate, and we wish you all the very best in breaking them down with the help of your wise fellow MNers, and chewing them off bit by bit. A little co-working spot sounds ideal for a start. I know some friends who get together to do this, so they still use their homes but at least they are in one place together.

The very best of luck to you,
Hope
MNHQ

It sounds like you have spent a fortune on diagnosis and testing for both boys. Assuming you still have some wriggle room with cash I’d use it to alleviate some of the things that are making you exhausted.

It sounds like finding somewhere to work outside the home might really help you. So much can be made easier by just enjoying your day more.

The other thing that I think you would really see a return on is a cleaner. Have someone come and put the house to rights, clear up the clutter, make the beds, whirl the laundry and restore calm.

Have a really good menu plan and the associated shopping lists so you can eat what you like without stress, and find yourself and what you like.

To be honest you do have a dh problem. He is not pulling with you and that must be very hard. I honestly think you can fall into bad habits in a marriage. He sounds like he is struggling and his coping mechanism is to critique and control.

Reading between the lines it sounds like you get cross and impatient. You can both change that.

MN is very full of LTB type reactions to any situation. Personally I think most of the time changing how you both react to stress is harder but ultimately better for all of you.

My children are older now but I don’t think it ever really becomes magically easier, just different, so you need to find what makes you first ok, and then happy. Find people who like and admire you. Surround yourself with them. You get one life so think about how you, not anyone else, want to live it.

Have you tried low demand parenting for your pda child? It was a game changer for our family and pda child. There are still boundaries, such as teeth cleaning and wearing a seat belt of course, but any demand that can be dropped has been. Eating the same thing for dinner every day and wearing pyjamas all the time really isn't the issue that society tells you it is.

Has your younger child been assessed for autism too? It can present very differently in different people and is very often genetic. Have you seen a dietician? I know you have ruled out allergies, but what about intolerance? They might know if something like a high fat diet would help.

Sorry for lots of questions when you might have tried all of this already!

As well as ear defenders for DC, have you tried noise cancelling headphones/earphones for you, e.g. Loops or Bose? You can have them set so you can still hear DC, but they reduce the background noise.

Does DS1 have an EHCP? If not, request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. If DS already has an EHCP, what support is in it?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DS1. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

It is also worth looking at your local short breaks offer.

Home Start may be able to support you too.

Has DS1 had OT assessments? Including a home OT assessment and a sensory OT assessment?

Do DC have their own bedrooms?

For DS2, have you tried other medications to aid sleep?

Is there a possibility some of what is being put down to DS2 having eczema (not the eczema itself but e.g. some of the not sleeping and screaming), actually potentially ASD?

Are you receiving DLA for both DC?

Could you afford to outsource some jobs, e.g. cleaning?

Don't want to read and run, but I have been at the stage of being suicidal even with an OH that is good with the kids and takes on boards what I say. You are both exhausted and can't make a decision about your family if you are both depressed and burnt out.

Anti depressants really changed things for me, so don't know if this an option for you? I'm not full of the joys of spring and still have difficult low days, but they helped level me out so I could cope. Once they are working, you can decide your future.