Ok with one parent, not with another

[purpleme12]

I have a child who's 11 with suspected ADHD/autism

She lives with me. Stays with her dad 2 nights a week. Sees him on Saturday every free weeks.

So obviously she's with me the vast majority of the time.

All the anger (because that's how it seems to come out with her) comes out at me. Anger at nothing. Which she can't control. Or has trouble controlling.

I'm sure her dad has seen a bit of it sometimes but I'm pretty sure she's not like she is with me either, with him. Is this because she hates me? And she just wants to treat me horribly? Or is it actually because I'm her safe space? And she feels more secure and I'm not so much of a novelty?
And I tell her what to do and things like that (albeit normal things a mum says) more simply because she lives with me.

Feeling pretty shitty at the minute

There are several possibilities. That DD is masking with DF and is experiencing the coke bottle effect with you. That DD is with DF at times of less stress e.g. certain days are more difficult for her. That DF has the luxury of being a Disney day rather than needing DD to do certain things.

Of course, it is also possible he has strategies you don’t &/or his house meets DD’s needs better in some way. Can DD communicate what is different? Could you speak to ex about the differences?

Thank you

My child always says she doesn't know why she gets angry. That is the frustrating thing

She just knows she gets angry more then others probably and she knows she doesn't like it she says and she can't control it she says. And she doesn't mean the things she does she says

No I can't really talk to him. I have tried to talk to him before about her but he's made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me.

I find it really hard by myself

Even if DD can’t explain why she is angry, can she explain what is different between the two households? That may give you some insight even if DD can’t link the two.