Sh*t day ....a penny dropped!

[fannysparkle]

What a shit day, actually the whole week hasn't been great either. Ds started nursery on Thursday last week and seemed to be enjoying it, although i had picked up on the fact that when i picked him up he was always away from other kids and been shadowed by a member of staff.

So i went to collect him on Monday and because i wasn't the first mum in the line he started to have a meltdown, i heard him before i could see him and the teacher had trouble trying to calm him, she was relieved when she finally saw me. Now instead of him being happy to see me as usual, he looked at me sat on floor and said, 'no'. Great!

I tried the gentle approach as always but when that failed had to end up carrying him out screaming and shouting. He continued this in the car all the way home and when i unlocked the house door he stormed past me and went into his bedroom and slammed the door shut. I left him to it so he could calm down and come out when he was ready(we live in a bungalow so i knew he was ok).

I had a very grumpy 3yr old for the next hour or so and was dreading him not wanting to go to nursery the next day. But he got changed no problem and off we went, i had a chat to teacher and we agreed the best thing to do was for me to pick up ds 10-15mins before other parents.

I did this and he was ok, better than day before.
Today we got to nursery and he didn't want me to go(normally he hadn't minded)and he got upset, so i hung around for about 20mins. BIG MISTAKE!!

I got to see how the other kids were with ds and it really upset me
He took a toy off a little girl who looked at me and said she had it first, so i gently told ds he was to give it back, he wasn't happy but he did it. Then what she said next choked me up big time, she said,'he's always doing that', and the scowl on her face said more. I tried to explain that he wasn't being mean he just didn't understand that it was wrong but i'm not sure how much of it sank in.
I must ask if the teacher has actually said anything to the kids regarding ds problems. There is another boy in the class who has Autism but he has been given dx and so has a 1 to 1. I do know the teacher is experienced with asd so i just assumed she would have explained to kids, well as much as you can to a group of 3-4yr olds!?

Anyway then he walked round the table and stood on a boys foot, totally unaware, after numerous times telling ds he was standing on his foot he eventually just shoved him off, ds was left wandering what he had done wrong!
I had seen enough and needed to leave before i wanted to take ds with me. So i got a teacher to take ds to an activity and i just left but i did hear him getting upset before getting through the door. I kept on walking and got to my car, as soon as my car door was closed i broke down, probably the first proper cry i have had since hearing the word autism regarding my ds.

I guess as the title says a penny dropped today, even though for the last 5 months i have been sure about ds having asd i suppose deep down i was always hoping that i was going to be told i had got it wrong. Seeing the kids in nursery today and the massive difference between them and ds was like a breeze block hitting me on the back of the head.

I am going to give it till the dx is over as nursery have told me they are backing me 100% for a dx as he definately needs 1 to 1. Then if ds isn't doing any better i am taking him out of nursey till sept term starts.
It's so hard not to wrap them in cotton wool but i have to put him first and if that means crying every day when i leave him then i'll have to get used to it.
Thanks for reading i just needed to get it off my chest.

I know it's great news Tclanger so why do i feel so shit!!??

fanny - because you just don't want to be in this position full stop. you want your kid to happily sail through nursery etc, to make everything perfect for them. and it hurts that you can't make it right. and that they need specialist assessments etc. of course it's good he's going to be getting good support, but it's a bittersweet feeling. In the long term, you just have to do your best to measure your child within his own framework of skills as an individual - but in the short term, it hurts.

Fanny- one to one support has made a massive difference to our son too. And to get in this early means he has a really strong chance of doing well in mainstream school. Well done you for being such a good voice for him.
Is ds dad in the picture? Can he share some of the decision making burden with you?

Tclanger as always thankyou, i'm feeling a bit better and off to bed as soon as i post this.

TC you are so right, it is bittersweet and right now it hurts so very much. I feel like going out into the street/garden and screaming my head off but not sure how long i will be out there and it's a bit chilly....Thankyou for your support!

nikos thankyou also, it makes me feel a little better just getting replies as you know you are being heard, what's more important, being heard by people who know exactly what you're going through. No DS dad left the pic when i was 4 months pg, real charmer he was so i don't have anyone to share the decisions or the stresses.

But swiftly moving on i know it's going to be a rocky road and i just want to say(at the risk of boring you all as i sound like a parrot) Thankyou thankyou thankyou for reading it makes a huge difference, for starters i HAVE to stop crying so as i can see the screen properly to read what you all type....night guys!x

Fanny - how was ds at preschool today? Hope you are having a good day.

I can't even imagine how hard it must be going through all this alone for you Fanny, I think you're doing brilliantly! I find it hard enough with a DH and extended family to support me. Do you have any family of your own nearish? Or maybe his dad's family might be interested and helpful?

Hope you've had a better day today. Me and my mum took DS to a garden centre this afternoon and let him 'off the leash' so to speak. It was lovely seeing him run free like a big puppy, something I can't do very often with a 4yr old to watch out for too and a 5m bump that stops me picking up DS when he's refusing to co-operate. All he wants to do is run around looking, touching, sniffing and hiding in bushes - I feel so guilty for not being able to offer him the freedom he enjoys so much.

Just had a look at your blog TC, your dad's email is so touching, was welling up reading it! My dad is so similar to my DS LOL (ie if DS has Aspergers then so does my dad) so not the kind of thing he would send me. But he shows his love in so many other ways, eg arriving on my doorstep this afternoon having fixed my pushchair just 2hrs after the wheel snapped off! And then cleaning my dishwasher filters as he was here LOL. (Fanny, take heart! The future for our boys need not be bleak .)

Hi nikos tbh i have been a bit of a wreck since meeting yesterday and only just started coming round a couple of hours ago.
I went to pick up ds from nursery and he was in the playground with his head leaning on the gate rails and his hands on either side of his head no other children were out, there was only a teaching assistant with him. I rushed up to him and he was shaking the gate trying to get to me. I was told he had had a meltdown in classroom so they had brought him outside to try and calm him (so i'm guessing it was a fairly big one). His little eyes were red and puffy so i knew he had been crying for some time, poor little man, i'm welling up just thinking about it again.

He is very clingy too when we get home always shouting my name out for me to answer and reassure him i'm still here.

Buckets you made me smile about your ds running around and touching, sniffing everything, he sounds like my ds. He is like a whippet and i should have a kate moss figure the running around i do after him, sadly i don't!!

Tclanger oh my god, i love your dad, i also read the email he sent you and it made me very of you, i'm not so lucky as my dad is in complete denial. He adores ds but it has hit him very hard and he avoids us alot atm.

My mum is not being much help either, since all this started we have grown further and further apart. She quotes me bloody cliches all the time and i want to scream at her. My parents live very close by but it's not much use to me right now. She will say 'if you need anything you only have to ask'.
NOT STRICTLY TRUE!!
I asked for my dad to cut my lawn 4 weeks ago.....still waiting. I asked my mum to b'sit a couple of weeks ago for 3 hours on a friday night, i was going to see a friend sing in a small pub 1 mile from my house. She turned up at 8.30pm and i had to be back by 10.30pm as her face was on the floor. It was the first time she had b'sat since Dec last year

As for ex partners parents, i only met them once but i did contact them and tell them they were welcome to be in ds life but they didn't take me up on the offer. They live at the other end of country, their loss!

So it's just me and my little man really, i have a few friends but no-one who is around alot and who i can rely on to give support. My auntie lives next door and i really don't know what i would do without her. She comes round everyday and we have a cup of tea and talk about everything and nothing, she is my shoulder to cry on

Anyway i sound like a real sad case and i don't want sympathy i just wanted to tell you all how it is for me and ds.

I have my boy and for that i am forever grateful, one of my favorite poems is called '"For my son"...words i want you to remember', it has a line in it that goes-

'So many treasures await you in your journey of life....and being blessed with you...has been mine.

Fanny - it sounds like your little man is feeling stressed. Have nursery put any measures in place such as visual timetables. If he had that they could take him outside and show him what is happening next. What about reducing his time a little at nursery?
Our ds was going 9-12.00 and he couldn't cope. We reduced it to just one hour and gradually built up again until he was comfortable.
For a lot of children on the spectrum, nursery is just a mass of noise, voices and rules they don't quite understand. It must have been heartbreaking to see him like that.

Yes nikos it was heart breaking and i didn't really want to take him today... but i did. I have been thinking about reducing his time funnily enough. It is a 2 and half session and he only does 2 hours but i think i will talk to teacher about taking it down to 1 and half hours and see what she thinks.

They do have visual timetables but DS doesn't really 'get it' yet.

Today though was the first good day he seems to have had for a while.
Either that or i wasn't told if anything went pear shaped, he was in a great mood when i went to collect him.
Actually when i saw him he was in the playground (with other children this time!) and he was sticking his chest out and pushing into another boy, he had a very serious look on his face, not a face i've seen before. He wasn't trying to knock him over, it was like he was trying to make him go backwards and he did it quite slowly...very strange

So we have our new group in the morning and i am looking forward to it. Amazingly my mum is coming with me so i'm hoping she may hear/see a few things that will help it sink in a little more.

Thanks to everyone who posted over the last few days as you all helped me through a tough time. I still feel emotional at the slightest thing but not feeling so poo. Roll on Thursday!! (I think)

glad he seems happier at nursery. hope the new group is good.

Hi Tclanger
Yes that makes sense i suppose, the pushing thing to get a reaction, oh bless and to think he must want to play so much but doesn't know how, my little man..
What's Pcamhs btw haven't heard of that?

TC the group was GREAT!!

We met a couple who live 30 sec drive away from us and their 2 ASD kids who were all so lovely. The group was in a sure start childrens centre. They had loads of outside space and a sensory room upstairs, DS thought the room was magic!
It is on every month so will be registering next week.
I met some wonderful kids and their parents who made it very easy to talk and be around. DS did not want to leave but i managed it eventually with a secret lollipop hidden in my pocket

Today...was a really good day!

oh good, glad the group went well and was full of nice people.

Ah, the props of good parenting - packet of tissues and an emergency treat . That club sounds fab.

So it's finally here, the start of the CDC assessment!! It's DS first day tomorrow and i feel sick to the bottom of my stomach and can't wait for the next 2 weeks to be over.

I'm glad that DS nursery is closed tomorrow as i don't have to decide whether or not to send him in the afternoon.
If i thought i would sleep i would go to bed now to make tomorrow come quicker. A glass (or 5) of wine would go down a treat, damn i'm so unprepared. Probably best as i'll need a clear head in morning.

Sure you'll do fine.
We've just heard we've got our parental interview (ADI?) on Wednesday and then we hear the diagnosis the next day. Feel a bit guilty because I made DH take today off as I was feeling stressed and now he's got to have another 2 next week + bank holiday. Don't think he minds really but it does stack work up for him to go back to.

Thanks you two! Actually it went really well, ds behaved exactly as he would at home. We saw numerous people popping in and out of room, it was noted that ds walks on tip toes most of the time, that he is self contained when he plays with something, that he repeats back what you say(echolia) and he has the nickname 'Whirlwind'

I was asked a couple of times,'is he always this lively at home'? ERM....yup!

He showed his lack of danger awareness and had a meltdown. So by the time they have seen us 2 more times hopefully they will not be able to deny ds a dx.

Buckets good luck for Wed and Thurs!!! I will be thinking of you. Ds dx will be a week after.

Only bit of bad news is that ds nursery WERE going to meet with the board this month to apply for SA+ but the ed phys at the hospital told me they don't meet in May because of the bank holidays bloody hell!

Oh and also i had a call from nursery today 40 mins after i had dropped ds off. He was very distressed and had not stop crying since i had left so they called to ask me to come pick him up

glad you sound reasonably positive about the assessment procedure. typical bureaucratic nightmare isn't it re:monthly meetings. Possibly he was unsettled at nursery because of the appointment breaking up his normal routine?