Sh*t day ....a penny dropped!

[fannysparkle]

What a shit day, actually the whole week hasn't been great either. Ds started nursery on Thursday last week and seemed to be enjoying it, although i had picked up on the fact that when i picked him up he was always away from other kids and been shadowed by a member of staff.

So i went to collect him on Monday and because i wasn't the first mum in the line he started to have a meltdown, i heard him before i could see him and the teacher had trouble trying to calm him, she was relieved when she finally saw me. Now instead of him being happy to see me as usual, he looked at me sat on floor and said, 'no'. Great!

I tried the gentle approach as always but when that failed had to end up carrying him out screaming and shouting. He continued this in the car all the way home and when i unlocked the house door he stormed past me and went into his bedroom and slammed the door shut. I left him to it so he could calm down and come out when he was ready(we live in a bungalow so i knew he was ok).

I had a very grumpy 3yr old for the next hour or so and was dreading him not wanting to go to nursery the next day. But he got changed no problem and off we went, i had a chat to teacher and we agreed the best thing to do was for me to pick up ds 10-15mins before other parents.

I did this and he was ok, better than day before.
Today we got to nursery and he didn't want me to go(normally he hadn't minded)and he got upset, so i hung around for about 20mins. BIG MISTAKE!!

I got to see how the other kids were with ds and it really upset me
He took a toy off a little girl who looked at me and said she had it first, so i gently told ds he was to give it back, he wasn't happy but he did it. Then what she said next choked me up big time, she said,'he's always doing that', and the scowl on her face said more. I tried to explain that he wasn't being mean he just didn't understand that it was wrong but i'm not sure how much of it sank in.
I must ask if the teacher has actually said anything to the kids regarding ds problems. There is another boy in the class who has Autism but he has been given dx and so has a 1 to 1. I do know the teacher is experienced with asd so i just assumed she would have explained to kids, well as much as you can to a group of 3-4yr olds!?

Anyway then he walked round the table and stood on a boys foot, totally unaware, after numerous times telling ds he was standing on his foot he eventually just shoved him off, ds was left wandering what he had done wrong!
I had seen enough and needed to leave before i wanted to take ds with me. So i got a teacher to take ds to an activity and i just left but i did hear him getting upset before getting through the door. I kept on walking and got to my car, as soon as my car door was closed i broke down, probably the first proper cry i have had since hearing the word autism regarding my ds.

I guess as the title says a penny dropped today, even though for the last 5 months i have been sure about ds having asd i suppose deep down i was always hoping that i was going to be told i had got it wrong. Seeing the kids in nursery today and the massive difference between them and ds was like a breeze block hitting me on the back of the head.

I am going to give it till the dx is over as nursery have told me they are backing me 100% for a dx as he definately needs 1 to 1. Then if ds isn't doing any better i am taking him out of nursey till sept term starts.
It's so hard not to wrap them in cotton wool but i have to put him first and if that means crying every day when i leave him then i'll have to get used to it.
Thanks for reading i just needed to get it off my chest.

I really don't know all this much about this...but tbh...when I read it, I wondred if this is your first child....because some things just seem a much bigger worry when it's your first....NOT all children that age can really socialise that well...depends where they are in the food chain ( I found wiht my 3 boys....)....
He does actually seem to be settled and happy anugh there and it s quite normal for them to cry at either the time you leave them or you collect them, and some cry eithe4r way (ys is a fine example especially)....
however, if you feel something is "amiss" then please seek proffessinal help...because the earlier something is found t he better...and afterall, as parent we do see all those litttle bits others don't see....

I really feel for you here - I couldn't cope with seeing my ds1 (as) in nursery, it was bad enough hearing about it.
The other children shouldn't be told about your ds's suspected condition as that would be inappropriate. In my ds's case they simply told them what to do in the situations that occured frequently eg he had a habit of grabbing them around the neck to get their attention and so in the context of a 'kind hands' conversation the children were told to say a loud 'no' and remove his hands.
Tbh though, it broke my heart that that was necessary and I really understand how upset you can feel seeing all the small failed interactions that can happen in a few minutes. However, children love telling tales (my ds1 does too!) and I wouldignore what the girl said -she won't be thinking about it.
I have found things have calmed down and I am better ableto cope with my feelings now, but that is 2 years on from dx.
Keep posting.

If your son is not already under the care of a developmental paediatrician then he needs to see such a person asap. Your GP can refer you to such a person. If your son is already under the care of such a person then perhaps the nursery can write a letter to this pead re your son.

Is there any way this nursery can apply for one to one funding for your DS without a diagnosis?.

I would also now start looking into applying for a Statement of Special Needs particularly for when he starts school. This you would need to obtain from your Local Education Authority. A Statement in place before school may go some considerable way to making his educational life easier.

Hi Fanny

My DS1 was exactly that I had months of carrying him to the bus stop from the nursery, eventually it got the better of me and I pulled him out, not due to his behaviour but due to the setting not following the stuff the educational psychiatrist(spelling?) had told them to, they were unwilling to help me, him or themselves, you are lucky to have the support of the setting, I will say however my DS is now 5 and at main stream school he has full time 1 on 1 support from the local authority and the school luckily is willing to work on getting the best from him, most of the time, they have set him up his own way of coming out of school so no more shouting screaming or carrying yey!!!!!!!!

Hope all goes well with getting the support your DS needs, it may be a hard battle but it is a worthwhile one

Fannysparkle Hi! I feel for you. Looking back this was one of the harder times for me and my ds when other children start to move on and become social beings - and you start to know in you heart that your child is - well - not a 'natural'!
You need to get support for your child and not take well meant platitudes for an answer (like I did)! I wish I had known my way round the system earlier.
On the practical side collecting early or first has been mentioned. I used to find singing a set tune on the way to nursery helped the transition to starting each day - he didnt want to leave home. I collected last whilst ds played. (Ds did'nt want to go home either -very embarrising! once the others were gone he coped better). I used to help wash up the paint pots - which somehow he coped better with that than seeing me wait outside or being collected first!

Thanks everyone for replies, sorry i should have said more about where we are with pead etc, i use to be monkeypie but decided to change my name. We first had Autism said to us in Dec 07 and have been waiting ever since for CDC assessment which thankgod is now only 2 weeks away. Ds has had SALT who is great, she has really hepled his concentration and eye contact.

Attila i will cheack about if nursery can get a full time 1 to 1 with out dx, not sure if it's poss, but it's worth a try.

Tclanger thanks for advice and for the link the sensory bag is a good idea. I do know he already has a box with things in to distract him if teacher needs a little quite to talk to everyone. I was told the other day that school have already spoken to the SENCO and ds has only been there a week, so hopefully things will start to happen.

Amber85 it sounds like you have a good school there, it makes life alot happier when the school help all they can. Ds has a great school too, his teachers always try to do all they can.

Magso ikwym about it helping to know your way around the system. If i hadn't found MN there is so much i would never have known.
I have been asked by teacher to have a meeting next wed so i'm hoping i will be getting some good news.

Yesterday i took ds to nursery and he was taken off to play straight away but started to cry for me almost immediately. I acted like i hadn't heard him and hung up his coat and bag. When i looked over he was trying to get away to come to me, so when i said bye he went mad. I turned and walked out of the door, one of the hardest things i have done so far. One of the nursery staff tried to tell me he would have someone with him all afternoon but i couldn't look at her, tears were streaming down my face.

I went shopping and felt dreadful, after an hour i got a call from nursery telling me ds was having a better day and had even sat on the carpet for a while( he refuses to do it most of the time). This made me relax and i was grateful to them for letting me know.
When i went to pick him up he ran to me smiling and gave me a hug, then ran back off to play! What a difference having a 1 to 1 all afternoon had made.

I think he will start to kick up a fuss when it's time to put uniform on soon and i hope we can get something sorted before i end up having to carry him in kicking and screaming, not sure i'm strong enough to leave him in that state.

Thanks again everyone for taking time to respond i really do appreciate it.

I am glad to hear that

Hope all goes well for you from now on, it is hard at first but when you have come to terms with it it does get 'easier' kind of.

Thanks Tclanger and Amber85, weird thing is i thought i had come to terms with it but after having the really bad day i'm not sure you ever do, do you?

I had a social worker come and talk to me for 2 hours on thursday about the CDC assessment and i had to go through all of ds background from birth....again! She was really nice actually and when she was going into fine detail of the end discussion when you get dx i really had to hold back from bursting into tears. I was given choice to see all the team to have dx delivered or just have it with pead, i chose the whole team as if anyone says something i don't agree with i want to be able to challange them.

So that's it now i don't think we will see any more professionals until the first day of assess. Not sure how i feel but know it has to be done. Enjoying the weekend and not having to leave ds at nursery upset.

Fanny - Your ds is doing great. Sitting for carpet time is a big achievement for children with ASD. I would try and keep him in nursery, rather than take him out until September. If need be you could reduce his time to what he can cope with. That's what we did with ds and then increased it as he was able.
Like us, you have got this spotted early and it will give him the best chance of improvement. We got one to one support without a dx and it was through the LA social inclusion person. Think Surestart can help as well.
Big hugs - I had a really tearful day on Friday, even though I think I have accepted ds's problems I sometimes get hit with the potential for his life to be sad and difficult and that can be so hard to bear.

nikos and Tclanger both your posts were very supportive thankyou so much.

nikos your comment about my ds doing great to sit on the carpet really made me smile and i hope he does contiue to improve as i don't want to have to pull him out till sept. Acceptance is so hard some days isn't it? When i think about what life i had dreamed of for ds(which i try not to do as much as poss)it breaks my heart so totally understand your tearful day on Friday.

Tclanger ikwym about finding meetings hard, i am a single mum so have to do it alone and i feel like a 10yr old in trouble with the headmaster for this meeting on Wed. How old is your ds? My ds gets frustrated too with not being able to communicate and it just looks to everyone else like you have a spoilt brat who can't have what they want
Your comment of admiration gave me a lump in my throat-thankyou I admire you all too, each and everyone of us have our individual things to cope with but not one of us would swap our dc for the world!

Just recently i have started to feel a little panicky too, it's always when i think about dx to come. Not sleeping great as i dare not go to bed till i'm shattered so i don't have to think of anything when i eventually get into bed. If i'm like this now what the hell will i be like in 4 weeks?

Fanny - big respect for dealing with this on your own. Give yourself a big pat on the back for that. Right now! Keep posting here as well as I've found there is tons of support and can just help with getting through the tough times.
Are there any ASD support groups near you? I'm doing a communications course and it is really helping to meet other parents who know exactly where you are coming from. If you go on the NAS website they should have some local contacts for you.
Hope you sleep well tonight and that ds has a great day tommorrow.

Tclanger i have had a hot drink but kinda hard not be involved with special needs reading as i'm always on hereI am logging off soon though.

nikos there is an ASD group called little rainbows and the social worker is sending me the number so hopefully that will be good. I just had a look earlier actully on NAS for a Help course as PipinJo said she did one and found it helpfull. Atm there isn't one with a date after dx and not one in my area but i will keep checking, thanks.

Hi Fanny, spoke to you last week, we seem to be at similar stages with our DS's. Sorry to hear you've had so many low points since but I guess we'll always be comparing and playing spot the difference. So far I've been able to tailor our lives so that we avoid 'situations' as much as possible but this year things will change (new baby and pre-school) and DS(3)'s issues will become more apparent.
Have you seen your local Educational Psychologist? Ours is the person in charge of nominating 'inclusive places' ie 1:1 at pre-school, and she's putting my DS's name forward for Sep at some meeting in June. This is not dependent on the DX but that should be happening (or not) next month anyway. I'm quite glad we haven't attempted pre-school yet, was terrified of hearing what he had or hadn't done, disruptions etc, but the idea of a 1:1 place in Sep is very reassuring (although as you say, it is another penny drop). I think if I know the staff have different expectations and attitude with regard to him, I'll be happier and feel less guilty about his behaviour (because you do, don't you).

Tclanger i hope your night's sleep was more successful than mine, I went to bed around 11pm and DS decided to come join me ( never comes into my bed normally) at 2am.
He then thought it would be more fun to go into living room(we live in a bungalow) and sit on the sofa while waiting for me to come and put the tv on for him....are you having a laugh, it's 2am!!??
I marched him back to his bed and he did go back to sleep for another 3 hours. 5am!!! whoopie do.
I thought he would be a nightmare and tired all day but it was ok actually.

Buckets hi, i too tailored my life so i could avoid any situations with DS. So when an early place at nursery was on offer i really wasn't sure what to do. I can honestly say if wasn't for the assessment coming up i would have refused and waited till sept but i knew if i got the backing of nursery staff it would really help getting dx.
No i haven't seen an ed psy yet, i'm sure i will do at assess or shortly after. Have you had a look around or met any staff from your choosen nursey? I have to say they couldn't really do much more for ds at his nursery, it's just lack of manpower that is the problem where ds is concerned. I'm hoping this meeting on wed with teacher will let me know what plans she has for ds and where we go from here.

I called the local areas Autism group today and they seem lovely, i am goiing to a childrens play session on saturday, again have mixed feelings about what i'm walking into but it will be so nice to be somewhere that i don't feel the need to explain ds behaviour. It's a charity and parent run so i'm hoping to eventually make some friends which would be great.

I hope you don't mind Tclanger but i just had a look at your photos and i have to say they are lovely, your DS is gorgeous! I was hoping you lived near us but no such luck.
I am going to have an early night tonight as i am shattered, but if i'm not asleep in half an hour i'm getting back up as that's when the worry overide kicks in.

Ooh jealous about that play session! Someone once mentioned organising a Mumsnet SN families camping meet-up and I remember thinking that would be great, can families of merely-peculiar toddlers (as we though DS was at the time) join in?

I do know our pre-school very well as DD went there last year and I'm still on the committee! It is an 'inclusive setting' anyway so they are very experienced and the lead practitioner told me she thinks her grown-up son is an 'undiagnosee', to use a Mumsnet term. Very reassuring and very lucky that we moved down the road to it before any of this seemed an issue!
I'm sure your nursery staff will have regular meetings with the Ed Psy anyway so no doubt your DS's name will come up soon enough. They're all about facilitating school life for your child and that starts with the nursery/pre-school setting.
Good luck all.

Buckets yes i am really looking forward to the meet up on saturday even though it does feel like a first day at school.

Tclanger i will email you sometime if that's ok, thanks.

Well i had a meeting at school today and there was DS teacher, head mistress and head of special needs. They basically told me that DS has had 2 assessments last week, one by the head of special needs while DS had no 1 to 1 and she did a report. The head then read the report and did her own assess while DS had a 1 to 1 for the whole time he was there and they all agreed the difference was massive.
So they had called me in to ask my permission to apply for emergency funding for a 1 to 1 asap!!! That's how i felt all at once.
Yet again i left school in tears, my little man was by my side though so i sorted myself out pretty quickly.

I am so happy that they are moving mountains for us but there was that little bit of me which yet again died, that little ray of hope that someone will tell you that it's not as bad as you thought.
They again reassured me that they are behind me 100%, i just want this bloody CDC assess to be over and done with.

So i now have to wait for next meeting which will be in a couple of weeks and they said i will need to do a report of my own which the head of special needs said she was more than happy to help me with. Also i will get to meet the ed psy.

Hey ho another day over.