Julia Hollander responds

[emkana]

www.motherstory.co.uk/?cat=9

are you all JH-ed out then?

lol
I was trying to think of a response.
you can tell she is a writer. she knows how to tell a story,.

Did you read the bit at the bottom about how the Sunday Times wanted to print her bit alongside the story of a mother who was caring for her disabled child herself? And she didn't want that? she chickened out by the looks of it

"I simply thought that by presenting Imogen?s story as truthfully as I could I might lift the lid on her world. I thought I might persuade other parents that fostering is not a shameful thing to do, that they need not fear judgement. How wrong I was."

Bollocks. Hmmm. And, yes, she was.

(Where are the profits from the book going?)

No Emma, not JH'd out just scared to express a view for fear of being piloried and subject to personal vilification for not agreeing with some posters on here.

I wonder what the response on the football forum would be. They were far ruder than us.

Sorry I think she's totally missed the point again. This utter crap about her not being able to 'afford' a service - she is immensely better off than many many families in her situation. Who read her holiday column in the Telegraph- that was not a cheap holiday. This idea that she couldn't have coped with the fight for service. I was talking to my friend yesterday about how much easier it is if you have the confidence to take on the system. With a Cambridge degree she would have been easily able to manouver (she could probably even have spelt it unlike me) her way round the system. And in case she reads this and thinks that's a bit of reverse snobbery it's not- I went to Oxford myself and I know that the letter writing/form filling this is easier for me than for people who are less confident about shouting on paper. She would also have been able to help others with it. It's such a poor excuse, that to use it to justify her decision is crazy.

And what I find utterly offensive is that she is still presenting a 'truth' that it is impossible to have any sort of happy life with a profoundly disabled.

She should not be saying things like this: 'It does so happen that the vast majority of profoundly disabled children have only one parent because marriages invariably split under the strain.' without proof. My husband and I are nowhere near splitting up. We've been able to weather the storm - and marriages split up under all sorts of strains- eg financial. I'm not sure that the 8 out of 10 figure is even correct. I don't think there has been any research done on actual divorce rates.

And Talies - you don't have a severely or profoundly disabled child. Many of us commenting here do so quite pretending to have some great insight. We live it day in and day out and therefore are allowed to comment on the way in which she presents profound disability.

Fine that's her version, she couldn't handle it, but I'd wish she'd stop presenting complete family breakdown as the only possible outcome. It's not.

a profoundly disabled child of course. Writing in irritation again.

'Tania, the foster carer. Gentle and generous, she allowed Jay and me to take part in Imogen?s life right from the start........ She positively encouraged visits and our need to endlessly kiss and cuddle our baby'

How bizarre.
How utterly bizarre to need a stranger's permission to do this.

she is the one who chose to present her story in a very public manner. If you do this you must expect to face criticism and differing opinions. To then not want to put her story next to one which presents a totally different approach certainly shows to me that she is not brave.

'Fine that's her version, she couldn't handle it, but I'd wish she'd stop presenting complete family breakdown as the only possible outcome. It's not. '

damned right it's not- I have never seen Dh so happy or calm as when he has ds3 settled with him on his day off, ds1 was a strain but much more disabled ds3 has pulled us far closer together in every way.

Totally agree with yurt on everythinga s ever, esp. about accessings ervices- it's not ewasy for anyone ime, but those of us who are able to utilise words effectively ahve a massive advantage over those who don't at every step of the way- form filling, legislation interpreting, 'debating' (pmsl) with the LEA..... I simply cannot imagine that people whose talents lie elsewhere can get half the stuff they should be entitled to. Dh being dyslexic, I dread to think how he'd cope with that aspect if something happened to me- though he'd be much better at some of the other stuff no doubt.

If she really wants to help other parents, how about volunteering down at her local SNAP/Parent Partnership?
I know a few people who have really been through the mill that do this as they certainly don't want others to suffer what they have.

If she really wants to help other parents, how about volunteering down at her local SNAP/Parent Partnership?
I know a few people who have really been through the mill that do this as they certainly don't want others to suffer what they have.

She's deleted the part now where she describes how angry she was about India's column, how she wanted Right to Reply and how that didn't go her way because the ST wanted to print her reply next to the story of a mother who cares for her disabled child.

The chap who helps us at SNAP has been through it MD, you're quite right- and he's fabulous.

Exactly moondog. It's very personally rewarding helping people access services etc as well. Really rewarding to think by sharing your knowledge and experiences that you can help someone else get the help they need.

PS My social work assistant has advised me to put in a complaint about the dp's now

She's deleted it! {shock} wonder if its cached.

Oh brill Yurt.

Some of the parents in my areas leave copies of all their correspondence at the SNAP office,instructing them to make tham available to other parents.

Most useful especially when say, one parent (one of the 'pushy' ones) has just has a statutory assessment of special needs granted, whilst many other parents with children with exactly the same difficulties have been told 'Oh this authority doesn't do statements anyomre. We can meet everyone's needs through School Action Plus)

That's a good idea Moondog. I came across someone at ds1s school who should have been receiving higher rate mobility but wasn't (hit the criteria in numerous ways). It was an utter pleasure to tell her what to write to ensure she got it. Someone did that for me a few years ago.

Comparing dp's is very revealing. Actually some sort of central place for people willing to share that info could be useful.

OK I'm late today but must pop into work for a bit.

So she wants right to reply but she doesn't want those of us caring for profoundly disabled children to have a right to reply.

I don't think she thought through the potential reactions to this book before it was published.

The SENCO at our (Junior- not the useless Infants) school has got copies of what I can find post- PC virus for exactly that reason- she's trying to set up a resource for parents who suspect their kids have ASD and building up a library etc, which i will be proofreading and helping her to develop. You see some kids whose parents justa re totally unaware- like the parents of a girl with PDD-NOS I know who had been told that DLA was means tested! Coming from a background of HomeStart helps enormously I think, was a bit like a 2 year preparation course.

Well that is what some parents are now fighting for right now in this place.

Re the letters, some parents have helpfully turned successful applications into electronic blueprints so other peopel just have to slot in thier address, kid's name and so on.

It works well too because the powers that be suss out that parents are talking and exchanging info which weakens their policy of keeping them all in the dark.

Divide and conquer eh?

The ABA Yahoo group is a terrific source of info on this stuff too.Not just ABA but on fighting through tropical jungle of paperwork and bureacracy.

I wonder if her inability to interact with other parents of Sn kids is some indicator of where the problems really lie- perhaps she feels that SN reflects somehow on the family, perhaps specifically her own self, and that's why she couldn't adjust very well- something that suggests a rather egocentric approach, but then so does dictating the terms of a right to reply.

I haven't read her story until I read this today, just saw her on tv and didn't think what she was doing should be seen as a good thing. I have a child very similar to hers and won't be without her for the world. But one thing which I thought about was why should a foster mother get more help and money than the biological parents. That should change, yes financially things are harder with a disabled child, so maybe the government should do something about that. But it isn't all about money.