Primary School Auties 10: Summer and beyond 2022

[LightTripper]

Thread 10.

Ooops, sorry, filled up the last thread without noticing - here we are at THREAD 10!! (How did that happen?)

This is a thread for the parents & carers of children with additional needs. Most of us have autistic/ADHD children in primary school, but anybody is welcome to join us to chat x

Links to previous threads below.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed
Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2
Thread 3
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3
Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4
Thread 5
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1
Thread 6
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1
Thread 7
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4303826-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-the-new-academic-year-thread-7
Thread 8
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4422100-Primary-school-auties-step-into-Christmas-and-the-New-Year-thread-8
Thread 9
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4502988-Primary-school-auties-thread-9-spring-summer-2022

Well I’m not sure I’d expect you to see no difference but surely a lot of this is symptoms of his ADHD? I don’t think school can just strategise that away? If they could then there’d be no need for anyone to take medication.

Hopefully him seeing the SALT daily will bear some fruit. Fwiw I do think it was better to move him. He is getting more support than he was in ms from the sound of it, even if it’s not all you hoped for.

They made the point that a lot of his hyper/ poor behaviour in his old school was down to him being in the ‘wrong’ environment and that as they were the ‘right’ environment he would be calmer, more focussed etc and that should overspill to home. I don’t know, all our children have their challenges and I think if someone said to any of us ‘give me your child and you will quickly see a big change to the positive’ we all would expect to see well, something, without maybe even analysing what exactly. Derived from them being in the ‘right’ environment with experienced staff I guess for most of their day, as opposed to the ‘wrong’ environment (ms) which they say can be very damaging to a child’s overall development.

as it is Ds is now doing 3 things I can list off the top of my head that he never did before!!!

It's a big change though isn't it Carrie. I think it will take longer for him to feel comfortable there even if it's a better environment and there are more movement breaks and sensory play.

Might it be worth pausing the after school learning for a bit to take the pressure off you both. My DS is so exhausted after the school day that the most we manage is a little bit of reading

Christmas is a great time to pause that stuff anyway. Let him watch Numberblocks or whatever if he likes but just read lots of Christmas books and do Christmas crafty activities and baking with him and dd if he will. You can learn a lot through carefully selected story books at any time.

It's hard isn't it Carrie but maybe some of the hyperactivity is just who he is, so no setting will change his fundamental personality. I really don't think it's been long enough to judge though. Special schools aren't magic pills etc.
DS is less hyper generally now but still has his moments and he is generally quite a loud expressive guy who struggles to focus. I think it's unfair to complain about the hitter and sand etc. Teaching is mostly more play based in special schools but it doesn't mean they're not learning as well. E.g. my DS and his class are often barefoot in the learning photos, doing lots of sensory play etc, but it's great for regulation and motor skills. They learn academically through the play. I wouldn't do more academic work after school, it might be pressuring and confusing if methods are different etc.
Special schools generally I think support each child to fulfil their potential while helping that child to feel good about themselves and develop independent life skills.
We are still ill, DS on antibiotics which are a nightmare to get him to take!!

Glitter not hitter ha!

It sounds like it's really a case of them setting false expectations @carriebradshawwithlessshoes - I do think if they've promised great changes in how settled he is and then you don't see it it's natural to be disappointed.

Is it worth trying to ask them for some better communication? It sounds like they've gone from unhelpful communication to no communication - even a 15 minute chat with his teacher once or twice each half term would allow you to ask these questions about what he is doing academically, how the day works (e.g. how the sand/glitter is balanced with learning), etc.

Otherwise all you see is him coming home still hyper/unsettled - which may very well be perfectly natural/to be expected, but it leaves you guessing as to what he is actually seeing during the day and what their latest expectations are re: progress and next steps, now that they know him better?

I can see what the others are saying that you would still expect him to be hyper etc. as that's part of who he is - but it seems they are not really keeping you informed on what his day actually looks like and what he is studying/learning when he is there, which are perfectly natural and reasonable things to want to know. If he's hyper because he's tired out from a day of learning you would probably feel a bit better about it than if he might be hyper because he's spent a day being bored/unstimulated playing with sand! But unless they tell you you have no way of knowing...

Ds slept until 6am this morning (from 8:15) - very nice. However, when the elves come out I fully expect the 3:30am wakings to recommence!

Ds is getting very excited about Christmas, he wants EVERYTHING. We need to get the boxes down today so we can start decorating during the week. He’s been desperate to play the orchard toys Christmas Eve game which I packed up with all the decorations.

I hope everyone had a good night.

In fact I have just seen there is a 2022 version of the OT Christmas Eve box so I’ll get him that too.

Oh I didn't know they had a Christmas Eve game - will have to have a look, sounds like the kind of thing my 2 might like!

We have it too. Great fun! We are watching Wednesday on Netflix, it is so good!! Hoping to get my antibiotics tomorrow after s weekend of pain. Urggh!!

Thank you everyone for your wise words.

@LightTripper ‘communication’ with school is always just so hard because they never have anything good to say. At the parents eve last month it was literally just that he was running amuck all day, they were trying to counter that by giving him activities outside and cheweley and so on but that was stimulating him more. When they tried to give him work he wasn’t looking or focussing on it and they couldn’t get him to engage. Really, that’s all they had to say so that’s why we went from that type of communication to nothing because I told them we only wanted to know if there was something positive to say or a major problem! His old school actually accused us of wanting them to lie to us to say something positive when there wasn’t anything. Communication like that is soul destroying when not balanced with anything good, but maybe there isn’t anything good to say, in which case what should they say? I think there’s 2 ways of looking at it, first well they are a SS and it’s just not good enough to say DSs behaviour is preventing him learning, they should be able to manage it and change it using their expertise so that he is making progress. Second, that they can only deal with what they are presented with and if that’s a child legging it like Mo Farah around school not responding to their strategies, what are they to do?! It’s very like some of the discussions we have had with Danni I feel.

@UnoQueen DS doesn’t learn through play, some children may well do but unfortunately he doesn’t. The sand and water will be a full on sensory distraction for him. When at nursery it was all this stuff and they told me he had a development age of next to nothing. It was only when covid hit and I was furloughed and thought well right, let’s get him sat at a desk with no distractions actually looking at me and listening to me did he show his capabilities. If school say he’s not doing this at school then he’s not learning, I know him. I do agree though that to some extent sensory play is important, but I feel it needs to have its place interspersing measured, tracked progress (I’m not feeling that it’s that for DS at school. If it was then why aren’t they telling me, I feel l’m twisting their arm hard enough to say something positive so that would make their lives a lot easier to just email me about it!!).

anyway enough about us, I hope everyone who is poorly is on the up, DS is thank goodness although DD and Dh now got the lurgy! DD excited about Christmas, as always DS quite indifferent, another drawback of being non verbal, it’s very hard to work up that excitement when there’s that language barrier, PECS isn’t going to achieve it!

Hope everyone else’s weekends have been ok!

Ah in that case @carriebradshawwithlessshoes ignore me! I think we can all only judge from our own perspectives so sorry if I wasn't very helpful there!
I have a throat infection it is so sore. DH just got me a rum to see if that helps kill the bacteria! Will report back!

Uno hope you’re feeling better soon and the rum helped you to sleep.

carrie I can totally understand that feedback upsetting you. When you have made separate threads about what changes you can expect from a SS on that sort of behaviour (without meds, because I feel that’s an important distinction), what has the general consensus been?

I’m not sure there has been a consensus Open, actually very few people reply to threads like that. I don’t find I really read a lot about children with behaviour like my DS on here, sometimes I struggle to relate for that reason. Though he can’t be a one and only surely!

What I do find difficult is that however hyper he is I can always find things in the day where I could say something positive. So last week I made up a variant of his yes no game where I typed a qu on my laptop and got him to read it and then he answered yes no without me speaking, he was very accurate. Yesterday he sat and painted/ scribbled with DD for a good 45 mins, very focussed I’ve fab photos. So I know there is potential..,?!

You’ve always known there was potential. For whatever reason he’s not showing what he’s capable of to them yet, it doesn’t mean he won’t in the future. What does he ‘say’ about it now when you communicate with him?

We’re now 10 months into SS and ds is still not properly settled and only attending about 2.5 hours a day. He does a little work but tries to run off a lot, asks to leave etc. I know it’s different but I do understand a bit.

Ah @carriebradshawwithlessshoes it all sounds hard. I struggle with limited communication from the SEN nursery, but can also understand why too much communication that doesn’t feel constructive isn’t great. How much chance is there to chat with them on pick up and drop off and learn more? I find that the online portals can be bad for just one liners about meltdowns etc

i know we are a few years behind but I totally empathise with not seeing ‘progress’. When DD started SEN last January and we had a 6month review they were still focusing on her being in settling in phase - I guess I hoped for changes quicker.

sounds like you are doing great things with him at home and really seeing progress there though, so def don’t lose sight of that!

also empathise with the DH loggerheads, that has become our default and it’s pretty shite - hope that is improving for you now

@openupmyeagereyes thank you, yes you do understand. @Ahna65 on drop off it’s a quick handover and he gets the bus home so I don’t see them then. When I picked up and dropped off at mS tho it was awful. I’d either just get ‘hyper all day’ (in front of all the other parents staring), then when I complained I got ‘oh he’s had a loooooovely day!!’ With a condescending smile. Like they were talking about a baby or a toddler. So no information about what he had been doing or achieving then. Even my cousin who used to pick up when I could t face it would say how they talked about him like he was a 6 month old… oh he’s been ‘looooovely’. A mum friend had to go into school one day and said they were just leading him around school walking around like he was a dog. So frankly I suspect then as maybe now they were doing nothing with him.

Its been teacher training today so I took him swimming but my head is so all over the place I drove into the side of someone’s car. No reason, no defence. Totally my fault! Sometimes though I think is it really any wonder????

yes Ahna, what really stresses me is that I don’t see really that much development progress in DS since he was 3/4. He’s just a bigger version of what he was then. I think will this be the same at 10,12,16?? It’s a wonder I don’t drive into peoples cars every day…! 😫😫

Oh no, carrie. I hope that you and ds are ok and that nobody was hurt

Oh no @carriebradshawwithlessshoes that sounds v scary, poor you. Self care this evening if you have an hour to yourself? Bubble bath? Or whatever you like to do

we had a visit from portage equivalent this pm scheduled over DDs’ dinner time. DD1 was deep in a huge meltdown so portage lady decided to schedule a different day. I tried to stress this is kind of typical, seemed weird to leave? Think she thought it was coming from DD having a cold but it didn’t look any different to an eve where she doesn’t have a cold. She kept saying how hard it looked for us- adding to my feeling she doesn’t have a ton of experience. Left me feeling a bit defeated, sometimes you get a bit numb to it all and then realise actually it is pretty shite when an outsider reacts that way.

Yes, I second some self-care. They say to do something physical to get out of your head.

And Ahna, I think that’s rubbish since she’s supposed to be there to help you!

I agree with open, what's the point of her coming to observe if she's not going to stay and see the behaviours you are dealing with. I would be annoyed too!

I hope you are all ok carrie. Sometimes it is very hard not to be distracted!

Not much happening here. The kids are definitely starting gf to get a bit wound up by the run up to Christmas. I think we'll go and get a tree at some point next week. I've got so much work on that I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all done before everyone arrives for Christmas!

@openupmyeagereyes @livpotter thanks. Wondering whether to send a message in the coming days asking if she thinks it is a situ she can help with / not (not being offish just giving her the chance to opt out)

it ended up being a huge meltdown, nearly 2 hours which is at the upper end of the scale for DD. Even bath didn’t help to break it. The utter panic / ‘help me’ look in her eyes whilst she’s lashing out at herself / me / the wall just breaks me. grim.