To realise I’m better off without my SEN child?

[ANON3749]

I feel so shit for writing this post and it’s absolutely soul destroying for me so please don’t judge.

I’ve got a 5 year old child with moderate-severe autism, her dad lives hundreds of miles away and is useless and I don’t have a lot around me in terms of friends or family support to rely on, on a regular basis.

I’ve also got chronic mental and physical health problems.

The school holidays have been hell so I’m aware things might settle down when child is back at school again.

The last 6 weeks have been hell, from the minute my daughter wakes up until the minute she shuts her eyes (which is about midnight because her autism is causing a lot of problems at night time and messing around/not settling) she screams, has meltdowns, hits me and herself repeatedly, won’t tolerate any noise so can’t have the TV on, washing machine on, hoover on or anything at all so just have to sit there all day.

Taking her out is even worse, she runs off and has no danger awareness so would pretty much need her strapped on to me somehow because I have mobility issues so can’t run after her if she was to run in the road (we don’t have a garden)

I was recently in hospital for a few days (my mum reluctantly had her but made it clear she won’t be doing it again) and it made me realise how much easier my life is not having to deal with it all the time and I didn’t even miss her as much as I should have done, I realised how much worse her behaviour is actually making my health conditions (I felt 10x better in hospital, have gone back to square 1 again since being home)

I have seriously even looked into residential schools so that I don’t have to deal with her all the time because I just don’t have it in me anymore

I feel like the biggest failure in the whole world and disgusted with myself for even writing this but I just don’t see a way out of it, it’s getting to the point where I dislike and resent her so much

You need respite at the bare minimum (and don't feel guilty for looking into residential schools). There's far too much on your plate right now, no one should have to live like this.

Have you looked into respite? You need to request a carers assessment

For over holidays you should be able to access the local short breaks scheme.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

OP, I think that is a really brave post and I don't blame you at all for feeling how you feel. Things sound very tough for you and you sound very unsupported. I don't have any advice at all but I'm sorry that things are so hard for you, life can be very unfair. I hope things get easier for you somehow.

Possibly a residential school is the best answer. I have lots of sympathy for people in your position. I’d certainly be contacting social services and asking about respite care. There’s an impossible burden put upon family carers and they should be properly supported.

You have needs too. It's not surprising you feel this way as you have little time for self love and self care and on the occasion you did, your Mum made it very clear she wasn't an option for support.
However focus on the fact that your Mum had her a few days and couldn't cope. You have her all the time and you are on your own. Of course you're struggling.
Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is harder. Being a single parent of a SEN child must be unbelievably hard.
Are you getting all the support for her you are eligible for through social and health services?
I would say if residential school would support your needs and support you to be a better mother when you do see her then there is no shame in that.
Sending lots of love. I really feel for you.

I hear you, i have a severely autistic non verbal eleven year old, school holidays are hell i agree, im not sure there would be any residential schools for a five year old?
My friends struggling to get her Teen placed,
What kind of schooling does she have now?

And for those who suggest respite, whilst yes people should get respite, accessing it however is a whole different ball game.

I’m so sorry its so tough, OP. You’ve done amazingly to get this far. A few thoughts from me… Are you registered with your Disabled Childrens Team for respite, your Local Authority Short Breaks team for holiday clubs etc and have you had a Parent Carer Needs Assessment done?

None of those are magic bullets I know, but might all together give you a little bit of regular respite?

There is absolutely no shame in considering residential options, either. Not one bit.

You are not alone op and I’ve had similar thoughts, I have 4 children age 10 down to 4 oldest is the one with autism and I feel like my life is over, taking her out is hell as she runs off and is aggressive (tries to attack people) I’m on my own with them as their father has no involvement so no help and I’m struggling managing 4 outside kids on my own as my youngest also needs supervision. I’ve seriously been considering residential. I’m looking at applying for a wheelchair for her now for her own safety!

That sounds incredibly difficult.

@ComeonJulia there aren’t really hundreds of people queuing round the block to adopt five year olds with moderate to severe additional needs.

You must be on your knees with exhaustion. Can you talk to your GP about melatonin for sleep?

We use a heavy duvet (not weighted blanket) to help DD (ASD & LD) to settle.

And respite support.

I remember feeling like I was going mad through lack of sleep and just the mental strain of it.

@x2boys

And for those who suggest respite, whilst yes people should get respite, accessing it however is a whole different ball game.

A friend of mine has a son with very severe autism (non verbal, absolutely cannot be left alone) and they have been awarded 20 hours respite a YEAR. Its laughable, if is wasn't so awful.

@SpicyJalfrezi you would be surprised how many adults are willing and able to provide love and support to a child with additional needs, me and DH being 2 of them.

My own son has severe autism and it breaks to my to see how some children are having to live due to their needs. We will be starting fostering in the new year and are only open to children with additional needs.

@Woeismethischristmas

Possibly a residential school is the best answer. I have lots of sympathy for people in your position. I’d certainly be contacting social services and asking about respite care. There’s an impossible burden put upon family carers and they should be properly supported.

No way. Come on now. That is too young. You wouldn't be saying this if the child is NT. Many adults on here I've spoken that they hated boarding/residential school. How much for a 5 year old? Not only that but there's risk of abuse! I'm sorry. No.

OP you need respite. Please contact your social services team!

@CloseYourEyesAndSee exactly! She’s a human who deserves love and support and this woman can’t give it to her.
She needs a family who can Love, support and encourage her. Who has the time and patience to know and understand her.

She isn’t getting that and it’s heartbreaking

@x2boys personal experience. You?

YANBU at all. I really feel for parents like you and if I were in the same situation I would probably feel the same (I am not a parent).
Look into the residential school. The ones I know about are amazing. Plenty of the county’s most privileged children are educated at residential schools, aren’t they? There’s no shame in wanting to do the best for your child, the routine, expertise and resources at a residential school may well be exactly what she needs. Good luck

Sounds awful, I really feel for you.

Would she sit in a pushchair designed for older children? My friend has a Maclaren one for her son as he would run into roads etc otherwise

[quote ComeonJulia]@x2boys personal experience. You?[/quote]
I have a severly autistic non verbal eleven year old 🙄

Support during the holidays is very difficult to get and is over subscribed and under funded.

My ds is the same. I also have 3 other children. We get 6hrs respite a week and have started the process of overnight respite. Having a child with sen is so hard and no one understands what your life is like. My best advice is contact your local social work department and tell them what you have just said here. also be free to message me to chat if you need someone to talk to.

[quote ComeonJulia]@CloseYourEyesAndSee exactly! She’s a human who deserves love and support and this woman can’t give it to her.
She needs a family who can Love, support and encourage her. Who has the time and patience to know and understand her.

She isn’t getting that and it’s heartbreaking[/quote]
Firstly, how dare you say that to a mother who is struggling? You have no idea how much love, support and encouragement she's giving her daughter - being knackered and fed up doesn't mean she isn't. Secondly, parents can't just hand their children over to be adopted, hence the pet comment. Thirdly, adoption for older children is often unsuccessful and causes trauma on separation from their primary carer regardless of how 'well trained' the adopters may be. I seriously hope your assessing social worker explores your attitudes towards struggling parents a little more before approving you to care for someone else's child.