To realise I’m better off without my SEN child?

[ANON3749]

I feel so shit for writing this post and it’s absolutely soul destroying for me so please don’t judge.

I’ve got a 5 year old child with moderate-severe autism, her dad lives hundreds of miles away and is useless and I don’t have a lot around me in terms of friends or family support to rely on, on a regular basis.

I’ve also got chronic mental and physical health problems.

The school holidays have been hell so I’m aware things might settle down when child is back at school again.

The last 6 weeks have been hell, from the minute my daughter wakes up until the minute she shuts her eyes (which is about midnight because her autism is causing a lot of problems at night time and messing around/not settling) she screams, has meltdowns, hits me and herself repeatedly, won’t tolerate any noise so can’t have the TV on, washing machine on, hoover on or anything at all so just have to sit there all day.

Taking her out is even worse, she runs off and has no danger awareness so would pretty much need her strapped on to me somehow because I have mobility issues so can’t run after her if she was to run in the road (we don’t have a garden)

I was recently in hospital for a few days (my mum reluctantly had her but made it clear she won’t be doing it again) and it made me realise how much easier my life is not having to deal with it all the time and I didn’t even miss her as much as I should have done, I realised how much worse her behaviour is actually making my health conditions (I felt 10x better in hospital, have gone back to square 1 again since being home)

I have seriously even looked into residential schools so that I don’t have to deal with her all the time because I just don’t have it in me anymore

I feel like the biggest failure in the whole world and disgusted with myself for even writing this but I just don’t see a way out of it, it’s getting to the point where I dislike and resent her so much

You poor thing! Of course YANBU. It’s heartbreaking that there’s so little support for parents, and it’s no wonder you feel desperate.

I have no suggestions, just wanted to send my sympathy and support.

I have two kids similar to yours by the sounds of it. It's the hardest thing in the world. I've had three breakdowns and every day is a struggle.

I would strongly suggest looking into respite.

Also my kids go to a Sen school and there are children there who have left to be in residential care as the school and parents could no longer cope. It doesn't mean you have failed it means the child in question needs extra support.

Please stop beating yourself up because lots of us feel this way, you are just brace enough to say it

OP,
Please go to your GP and tell the truth, that you need support.

Do it sooner rather than later.

I feel very sorry for you.

Where I live they have Shared Lives Carers, is this something available near you OP?
It’s basically a respite foster carer so your daughter might go every other weekend or once a month or something, always to the same family.

Would this be something you’d be open to?

Are you in receipt of DLA for your daughter? If so could you use some of this to pay for a regular babysitter so you at least know you will get a few hours each week of you time?

Please don’t feel awful for sharing your feelings, and I hope you can get the support you need. You are in a horrendous position and it’s ok to get support with this.

Please don't feel bad or guilty OP, you should do what you have to do. I recently had to arrange residential care for my DMum because I could no longer cope with her. Honestly, it is the best thing for her and us as a family. When it's only you 24/7 376 days a years it's impossible, but staff in homes cover with 3 shifts a day. They are pretty much always fresh and ready for whatever happens and they can walk away after 8 hours. Very different on your own - don't feel bad, do what you need to do.

@x2boys

Would you give your five year old child up. for adoption *@BFrazzled* ? I dont doubt the Op loves her daughter very much, school holidays are very, very hard when you have a child with complex disabilities, i know im living it, The Op needs support.

I would if I couldn’t adequately care for him, yes. A child is not a property, she is a human being with her own needs that are as legitimate as her mothers need to remain her mother. I do agree that ideally OP should get support but it sounds like she might not be able too. Strapping her child in a buggy so she won’t run away and sending her off to residential school where there won’t be 1-1 care seems like worse option.

There is nothing wrong in looking at residential schools. Don't ever feel bad that this is an option for your dd.

Does your dd have a social worker? You could speak to social work and ask for respite care. It can be hard to get, but please speak to this service.

Are there holiday clubs within your council areas for special needs during the holidays? There are 2 near me where the kids are also transported there and back each day. That could be another option for you.

You are not a failure op. You're doing your best and that's all anyone can do.

[quote ChequerBoard]@secular39 this is not the thread for having a a bash at boarding schools. There are plenty of other threads about boarding where you can spout your bile.

It's not helping the OP and trying to compare NT boarding schools with her situation is meaningless.[/quote]
It is a fact that children/adults with SN are more likely to be abused than their NT peers. It would be different if the child was older, but at 5 years old, not a chance.

I think you are brave to post this OP and it sounds like you have it really tough.

I have a nine month old with no extra needs and I had my first child free afternoon/evening for the first time since having him last week and I honestly felt like a different woman for the next few days! I felt guilty at first but then I realised that everyone needs a little bit of time for themselves when they don’t have to worry about another human, even if it is just for an hour or so. Like you, we have very little support as family are around the country and it does make it harder! Of course your situation is much more difficult so you mustn’t feel guilty for needing a bit of time to yourself and extra help! They say it takes a village to raise a child, and you don’t even have your DD’s father and you have a child with extra needs. I think the way your are feeling in the circumstances sounds quite normal.

I don’t really know what help would be available to you, but I strongly urge you to look into it as I think both you and your daughter would benefit from some kind of help.

Sending hugs!

Thank you so much for every single person who has written such lovely messages of support, I honestly don’t even feel deserving of them and I’m sorry to hear of the struggles of everyone else too

This post has made me realise how little support we’ve actually been given by our local council, my daughter started an SEN school last year and since then the only time we ever hear from anyone is to sort her school transport out, I didn’t even realise we were entitled to these things…

We’ve had no care assessments, no needs assessment, no social worker, no disability care, respite has never even been mentioned to us… she was put in an SEN school and then we was completely forgotten about…

They said they run clubs in the 6 weeks holiday however because my daughter needs a 1:1 they said they couldn’t provide this so it stopped my daughter being able to attend…

We live down south and the cuts to SEN funding has been shocking (we’ve had a lot of protests in the area, etc)

I know that things will slightly improve when she does go back to school, but I do need more support going forward so I am going to contact everyone come Tuesday morning and get this sorted once and for all!

And for the couple of people who said she deserves better - you’re right, she deserves the best and I know that’s not me - but I do love my daughter more than anything in the world, but no-one expects this parenting experience or to have a disabled child when they get pregnant and give birth - and I kill myself everyday trying to do my best for her

My son is autistic and deaf. I brought him up alone with family help since his dad died. We accessed link care for respite through our social worker. Ds is 25 now and we are still in contact with the link carers.
DS went away to a residential school when he was 7. He stayed on in the area and is now living semi independently in his own flat.

[quote ComeonJulia]@SpicyJalfrezi you would be surprised how many adults are willing and able to provide love and support to a child with additional needs, me and DH being 2 of them.

My own son has severe autism and it breaks to my to see how some children are having to live due to their needs. We will be starting fostering in the new year and are only open to children with additional needs.[/quote]
Gold fucking star to this one here lads, what a prize she is!

I hope your children have someone else around who can teach them about empathy, despite being The World's Greatest Parent you clearly won't be able to provide that.

I would if I couldn’t adequately care for him, yes.
A child is not a property, she is a human being with her own needs that are as legitimate as her mothers need to remain her mother.
I do agree that ideally OP should get support but it sounds like she might not be able too. Strapping her child in a buggy so she won’t run away and sending her off to residential school where there won’t be 1-1 care seems like worse option.

What exactly do you think the outcome would be for this child once she enters the system? At 5 she's quite old already with documented issues and high needs , which would mean extensive requirements for any future adoptive parents. There already are more children in care than adoptive parents. Not to mention the trauma of separation, being given away etc.

The system is broken, and there should be help and support for this little girl to stay with her mother ,who knows her and loves her and raised her well so far, without either of them breaking. Not make her someone else's problem.

OP I have no advice to add other than what you've already been given, but I just wanted to send love and echo others' sentiments that you are brave to reach out for help. I have two dc neither of whom have additional needs and I find it draining some days - I simply can't imagine having a child with such high needs, it must be so incredibly hard and draining. Please don't feel guilty for reaching out.

@SionnachRua I think the PP was trying to get across there are people who foster and adopt children with AN. Okay the rest of her posts weren’t great but she is right, there is foster care available for children with SEN.

That's a very brave and honest post OP. Thankfully I'm out the other side now; my son is an adult in supported living accommodation. Parents of children without special needs really have no idea how hard and relentless parenting a child like yours (and mine) can be; yes, respite sounds wonderful, getting anything meaningful is another matter. Years ago a parent of a child at my son's special school remarked that the adoption process was far, far easier than getting respite, and that was several years ago before austerity but harder. You have my sympathies OP.

She needs a family who can Love, support and encourage her

Yes, exactly and a single adult on their own will struggle.
Imagine the difference being part of a couple makes - 50% of the day you are free of responsiblities!!!!!!!

You are not unreasonable. You have too much to deal with and it’s not fair.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.

@ANON3749

Thank you so much for every single person who has written such lovely messages of support, I honestly don’t even feel deserving of them and I’m sorry to hear of the struggles of everyone else too

This post has made me realise how little support we’ve actually been given by our local council, my daughter started an SEN school last year and since then the only time we ever hear from anyone is to sort her school transport out, I didn’t even realise we were entitled to these things…

We’ve had no care assessments, no needs assessment, no social worker, no disability care, respite has never even been mentioned to us… she was put in an SEN school and then we was completely forgotten about…

They said they run clubs in the 6 weeks holiday however because my daughter needs a 1:1 they said they couldn’t provide this so it stopped my daughter being able to attend…

We live down south and the cuts to SEN funding has been shocking (we’ve had a lot of protests in the area, etc)

I know that things will slightly improve when she does go back to school, but I do need more support going forward so I am going to contact everyone come Tuesday morning and get this sorted once and for all!

And for the couple of people who said she deserves better - you’re right, she deserves the best and I know that’s not me - but I do love my daughter more than anything in the world, but no-one expects this parenting experience or to have a disabled child when they get pregnant and give birth - and I kill myself everyday trying to do my best for her

That's the main issue.

Help and support is not signposted or offered, and parents are just left to flounder and muddle through. You literally need to scream,shout and cry for it to even be mentioned. The system relies on parents not knowing what's available because resources are scarce.

Start ringing people and telling them exactly how you feel and what is going on. Try joining some local support groups for parents . The people there will listen and be able to offer advice on how to proceed and what you might be entitled to.

Good luck and hugs.

If she’s in an SEN school then I heard you can ask the school for respite from the staff during the holidays, my daughters main stream so wouldn’t be allowed but I did hear of someone who has regular help outside of the school from staff at their daughters school who takes the child out in the holidays (paid for)

I know an autistic child is residential care, it doesn’t have to be a shcool. But call your local council and ask for a child care assessment.

@ANON3749

Thank you so much for every single person who has written such lovely messages of support, I honestly don’t even feel deserving of them and I’m sorry to hear of the struggles of everyone else too

This post has made me realise how little support we’ve actually been given by our local council, my daughter started an SEN school last year and since then the only time we ever hear from anyone is to sort her school transport out, I didn’t even realise we were entitled to these things…

We’ve had no care assessments, no needs assessment, no social worker, no disability care, respite has never even been mentioned to us… she was put in an SEN school and then we was completely forgotten about…

They said they run clubs in the 6 weeks holiday however because my daughter needs a 1:1 they said they couldn’t provide this so it stopped my daughter being able to attend…

We live down south and the cuts to SEN funding has been shocking (we’ve had a lot of protests in the area, etc)

I know that things will slightly improve when she does go back to school, but I do need more support going forward so I am going to contact everyone come Tuesday morning and get this sorted once and for all!

And for the couple of people who said she deserves better - you’re right, she deserves the best and I know that’s not me - but I do love my daughter more than anything in the world, but no-one expects this parenting experience or to have a disabled child when they get pregnant and give birth - and I kill myself everyday trying to do my best for her

Shes getting the best from you, you know her better than anyone, i know its bloody, hard i will be cheerfully waving my son off on his school transport, when he goes to his special school next week, honestly the six weeks holiday seems never ending.

We're moving this over to our SEN topic as we don't think AIBU is appropriate. , OP.