To realise I’m better off without my SEN child?

[ANON3749]

I feel so shit for writing this post and it’s absolutely soul destroying for me so please don’t judge.

I’ve got a 5 year old child with moderate-severe autism, her dad lives hundreds of miles away and is useless and I don’t have a lot around me in terms of friends or family support to rely on, on a regular basis.

I’ve also got chronic mental and physical health problems.

The school holidays have been hell so I’m aware things might settle down when child is back at school again.

The last 6 weeks have been hell, from the minute my daughter wakes up until the minute she shuts her eyes (which is about midnight because her autism is causing a lot of problems at night time and messing around/not settling) she screams, has meltdowns, hits me and herself repeatedly, won’t tolerate any noise so can’t have the TV on, washing machine on, hoover on or anything at all so just have to sit there all day.

Taking her out is even worse, she runs off and has no danger awareness so would pretty much need her strapped on to me somehow because I have mobility issues so can’t run after her if she was to run in the road (we don’t have a garden)

I was recently in hospital for a few days (my mum reluctantly had her but made it clear she won’t be doing it again) and it made me realise how much easier my life is not having to deal with it all the time and I didn’t even miss her as much as I should have done, I realised how much worse her behaviour is actually making my health conditions (I felt 10x better in hospital, have gone back to square 1 again since being home)

I have seriously even looked into residential schools so that I don’t have to deal with her all the time because I just don’t have it in me anymore

I feel like the biggest failure in the whole world and disgusted with myself for even writing this but I just don’t see a way out of it, it’s getting to the point where I dislike and resent her so much

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that she isn’t loved and supported. But the OP is a human too with her own needs. If your going to be a foster carer I hope you learn to be a lot less judgemental of people!

OP have you considered asking school if any of the staff that she is familiar would be able to help with occasional childcare during the holidays to help you?

OP don't feel guilty, please! You are a human being who sounds absolutely exhausted. My autistic son (14) has displayed his share of unpleasant, aggressive behaviour over the summer hols, and even though he's high functioning, he hasn't left the house since school finished due to anxiety. I'm also looking into residential special schools, as he is fine in school. In no way are we failures....

Look into respite.
Yes, it’s hard to come by, but at least get your name down.
We provided respite care for a profoundly disabled lad for ten years (basically until he reached adulthood).

Op.why do you live where you do? If it is work only is it not possible to move closer to friends and family?

[quote ComeonJulia]@CloseYourEyesAndSee exactly! She’s a human who deserves love and support and this woman can’t give it to her.
She needs a family who can Love, support and encourage her. Who has the time and patience to know and understand her.

She isn’t getting that and it’s heartbreaking[/quote]
Jesus Christ. You’d think, what with all your experience and all, you’d be a bit kinder to someone alone and struggling.

@Notonthestairs

Support during the holidays is very difficult to get and is over subscribed and under funded.

This 100% in non covid times, my son was offered one day a week in special needs play scheme, he was supposed to have five days this school holiday, unfortunately due to covid, both us and staff at the scheme hes had two days.

@secular39 this is not the thread for having a a bash at boarding schools. There are plenty of other threads about boarding where you can spout your bile.

It's not helping the OP and trying to compare NT boarding schools with her situation is meaningless.

Parents of SEN children need & deserve support.

You can't draw water from an empty well.

I can only assume the posters haranguing the Op have not brought up children with additional needs.

[quote ComeonJulia]@CloseYourEyesAndSee exactly! She’s a human who deserves love and support and this woman can’t give it to her.
She needs a family who can Love, support and encourage her. Who has the time and patience to know and understand her.

She isn’t getting that and it’s heartbreaking[/quote]
Oh, wind your holier-than-thou neck in.

You're lucky you have a DH around to help and support you with children, unlike OP who is struggling alone.

The pre-requisite of being a good foster carer is to remain neutral about the situation.
Judging those in crisis will make you an AWFUL foster carer.

@ComeonJulia

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

@ComeonJulia your posts are vile and I have reported you. The Op needs support not your nasty judgement.

Hi whereabouts in the country do you live? Posters may be able to pinpoint specific charities or groups that may provide support or guidance for you and your daughter. To the poster who mentioned adoption, you do realise as a foster Carer you will be working with the child's family as well.

I don't have any advice, all i can say is that you are human and you have limits. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Xxx

Julia has a very charmed life, almost storybook. I wouldn’t pay any attention to her posts.

Poor you OP. Respite can be impossible to get in some county's. You might have to apply to SS, and then as a final straw, tell them that you can't care for her anymore and see if they act.

I am getting so sick of seeing posts like this. Why do accept a system that provides so little support for families /parents with disabled children? We see posts like the OP's and say " contact ss and ask for respite" but we know the respite provision is so minimal its hopeless. Why are there no (subsidised) sn playschemes or childcare available in school holidays ffs?

Sorry OP my ranting doesn't help but YANBU and it shouldn't be like this.

My two boys attended a holiday club for a week this summer but my daughter couldn’t go because she needs 1:1, what can you do about it though? There isn’t anything available

You won't find residential schooling for a 5 year old.

Things will improve once school starts and you need to make a huge noise so that proper respite and support is in place for next Summer holidays. Do you have disabled children's nursing team involved? A carer's assessment?

OP - YANBU !!!
Please do look into residential school seriously.

It would improve your and her quality of life, staff are specially trained to cater for such needs.

Handhold OP. You are so brave

OP ignore @ComeonJulia. I wonder if her DH wasn't around and had no external support would she be as condescending? As a SW I would be very reluctant to place a child in her care if that's how she views their parents.
Ive have worked with children with SEN and its incredibly demanding and I would be drained at the end of day. Doing it 24hrs,7 days a week with no break must be incredibly hard. You clearly do love your DD, you are just overwhelmed by her needs. You are trying your best to meet them. I don't know what the solution is but know its OK to feel this way. You aren't a bad person.
Please please talk to someone in real life. Your GP perhaps, they may be able to get you support or support for your DD.

OP, I don’t know - is adoption an option in such circumstances, or for you personally? (Perhaps an open adoption where you can still say in touch?)

She deserves better and so do you. It might be the best thing you can do for her and it would be better than sending her off to residential school if you can find a good family…

you need help. In an ideal world you would have access to all manner of services but we don't live in that world or even close.

My two are now 21 and 22 and we have had to fight everyone for every scrap every step of the way. It is exhausting and you do feel a total failure.

It shouldn't be like this but the only way they are going to listen to you and put support in place is if you tell them you cannot cope any longer and want your child to be taken into care.
It is cheaper for them to give you a bit of regular respite than for them to meet your child's high needs in the care system. It really is as cold as that. I'm sorry.