I resent my disabled child

[Meandyou02]

Another day ,another handful of my hair torn out,a bite on my shoulder which has not stopped stinging since 4am this morning when he woke and inflicted it,3 hours sleep for me for 14th night in a row,non stop crying for reasons he cant tell me(non verbal) followed by non stop laughing .pinched arms all day long.hate that I'm still wiping his bum up to 10 times a day and hes far far to big for it and kicks me with his big string legs on my face or anywhere and gets muck everywhere in the process.theres no chance he will ever be toilet trained.SS have said theres no available respite.I hate it,hate that hes ruined my life and my other kids life.hes been a screaming demanding nightmare since he was born.no sleep no enjoyment, theres nothing about him that brings any happiness. I am at the stage I seriously think I need to give him up to social care.but I love him,what the hell can I do.im in a living hell.people judge those mothers who kill themselves and take their child but I completely understand why they do,sometimes there is no answer ,no help great enough.

So sorry for you. You've done your best, but you can't live the rest of your life like this. SS must find another solution.

Nobody with any decency and empathy will judge you OP, I'm so sorry.

Stop being brave. You and your other child's health and well-being should not be sacrificed completely for your disabled child.
Call social services and tell them you have reached the end of your tether. And mean it.

In your position, I would be asking for a residential placement ASAP.

If not at school at moment do send him if poss, do phone social services do ask for help. Is there a branch of Mencap that can give you some advice and support, even if it,s a fellow parent who knows what it,s like. I have worked with some severely disabled adults and children and do feal for their families. Also Is he Autistic, the Autistics society might be able to help.

Make social care listen and if they don’t advise them you will seek legal advice regarding their failure to undertake their statutory duties. You can love your child and know that his needs are beyond the capabilities of one person. I’m sorry you’re in this position.

You are not a bad person.
You are not a bad mum.

Please call someone. Anyone for help.

Sending you strength.

Op that sounds very tough. Ring social services tomorrow, say you are at breaking point and you need help now. Tell them that you are at the point of wanting to give him up and know deep down you don't want to but feel like it's the only way to be able to sleep and function properly for your other dc.

Tell them you understand why parents kill themselves and their children ...they'll not ignore that. I really hope you get some support x

Tell them you understand why parents kill themselves and their children ..

I think that is a very bad idea.

DLA for your LO I mean :)

Jesus you poor cow this sounds horrendous.

I think @nubeejinnings has a good suggestion.

Zero judgement from me if you decide you need to hand him over so you can function for your other children. I hope a phone call gets you some support.

No judgement. This situation is my greatest fear. I have a 10 year old and also a 10 week old. The baby has brain damage from 2 bleeds plus hydrocephalus. I have no idea what the future holds but already i feel he has taken over my whole life and had a huge impact on his big brothers life. I am a single parent so just us. I have spent 4 out of the last 10 weeks in hospital with him and back there now.

Eing emergency social services and say they take him now into foster care or u will end up doing something terrible. How old is he x

It sounds like residential care would be the best option for all of you. You'll probably find that your relationship with him improves greatly, he'll be looked after by trained people who can rest in between. There will be staff available to make sure he can go out and enjoy life- swimming etc.

You've done fantastic to even make it this far.

No judgement from me at all. You simply cannot go on like this. You will end up breaking.
You need sleep, you need to be able to function, your mental and physical health are important, your other DCs are important.
I think residential care would be a sensible choice. His needs will be met by professionals and you can enjoy being his parent, spend quality time together.
I would hug you if I could xx

I can completely understand

I would speak to social services and say you can't carry on and mean it probs the only way you will get help is to be prepared to sign him over to local authority care

I think a residential placement would be best for the child and you and your other child/ren. You will eventually lose the plot and then neither of them will have you. Make it clear that you would still want to see him but you are not coping. Unfortunately, unless you do something awful they are unlikely to help because you are a soft target (as in, you care about your child).. Please persist, Given some respite, you may be strong enough to continue at a later date. I honestly feel for you OP and send you lots of love and hugs. Tell them stuff you don't even mean about not coping. I put a post on here just after Christmas about how my deaf daughter came home from Oz for a month and I was grieving because of no happy memories of her as a child because it was so hard. She is a successful woman now. However, I was slated by some for saying how I felt. Don't let anyone judge you who has not walked in your shoes. You need help and I truly hope you get it . xx

OP you need to phone social services and tell them that you need help now. There is no shame in admitting you need help. Your welfare is important too otherwise how can you help him and help yourself and your other kids.

I'm not shocked by this post, I just feel bad for you and want you to get help. You love him but resent him. That's ok, it's not unnatural to feel that way when someone needs so much of you, more than give sometimes. Don't be fobbed off. Say you can't cope and you need help, proper help.

Do you have any family or friends that can help? Forget lockdown and all the 'rules'. These are extreme circumstances so you can make any decisions you need to right now

Be careful what you say to social care. Do not say that you understand why people kill themselves and their children. You will put the spotlight on you as a risk and not the issues you are facing with your disabled child. You should however tell them in writing that respite is urgently needed. You need to be clear with them about what you need. Do you need weekend support or do you need overnight support? How many day / hours / evenings etc? They will initially say no to make you go away so you will need to escalate it by saying that you don't feel you can meet his needs and should describe the impact on the family.
Another option is to persue a residential school placement. This would be my preference as you can then identify a school that can meet his needs overall. If your ds has asd, I would recommend looking at Priors Court School. Many residential schools have different boarding options. I would recommend getting some legal advice on how best to persue this route. I have been in your position. It can get better and there is support out there. Negotiating the system and making it work for your family is tricky. You will need some specialist advice to get the right outcome. Social services can be incredibly helpful but you need to be cautious. What you want will cost them. You need to make sure that you get the right outcome.

This is awful. I have a friend with a serious disabled child and no respite either and will not allow them back to their special school as they say under H&S they can not socially distance etc. No one would blame you for putting your child into care -that's what it is there for the the staff that man it get a break -parents often don't they are 24/7 for years if not a lifetime -think quality of their life, yours and any other children.

We were in a similar position to you OP approx 5yrs ago with DS who is now almost 19. Also ASD, sensory needs and SDHD aswell as genetic disability which presents in a similar way to cerebral palsy. DS is like a 3 or 4yr old in most ways. So 5 or 6 yrs ago we were getting direct payments which was enough for one afternoon a weekend, but DS didn’t sleep more than 2hrs at a time and approx 5 hrs a night. He was angry and aggressive and we were frankly too knackered to deal with him effectively and were not meeting his needs, which I turn caused more issues for him and made him worse. We were fortunate enough to get one weeks respite a year in the summer holidays but that was all. We had pleaded for more and said we could not cope with the 6wks summer holiday and on the last day of term we were still phoning to ask what was going to happen. In the end we contacted social services and told them if we did not get some more support then we would be arriving at 4pm with him in the car and leaving him there. It was heartbreaking and I still don’t know if we would have actually done it but we were truly on ours knees and felt it was he only way to get him what he needed. We did get a lot of respite over the summer and then a residential place for him in the week and he came home at weekends initially. After a few weeks hey agreed to schools holidays staying at school and then he got a 52wk placement. He has since moved from the original school as it didn’t meet his needs totally and he is now settled in care home ands attends college with 24hr Carers. We can visit every weekend and he loves it, we haven’t seen him since mid March due to lockdown in the care home but we FaceTime and we know he is well looked after by people we work their shift, go home and recharge and come back again. That is far better than we could do in all honesty

Forgot to say after a few weeks we were driving home from a visit and DH got upset and said he felt like he actually had a relationship with his son for the first time ever. It was the best thing we did for him

OP put him in care and give you8, your other child and this one the best. One single person cannot do all you do. In care, your DC will be looked af6by so many people. You need to look after your other child. Please don't feel bad. You have done more than I could ever do in your shoes already.

How old is he? Would a full time 62 week residential school setting help?

I work special ed. I see this a lot and that's when schools are open and families are getting 6-7 hours respite a day and extra outside of school.

I've seen families have guilt. Insist they live their child.

Believer me no one will think you don't love your child of residential care is what's best for your family. They'll realise and understand you are juggling 5 glasses in the air and at some point you'll drop one.

❤️ it sounds extremely frustrating OP
Sometimes we need to give up things we love to be able to live.
This doesn’t make you a bad mother 💐💐

Push harder with SS.
There isn’t much respite out there in the current crisis, but there IS some. It isn’t advertised but you sound at the very end of your tether.
Say everything you’ve said to us. Follow it up with an email so they’ve got it in writing, and say if they can’t find you some respite, you want to talk about relinquishing him.