I resent my disabled child

[Meandyou02]

Another day ,another handful of my hair torn out,a bite on my shoulder which has not stopped stinging since 4am this morning when he woke and inflicted it,3 hours sleep for me for 14th night in a row,non stop crying for reasons he cant tell me(non verbal) followed by non stop laughing .pinched arms all day long.hate that I'm still wiping his bum up to 10 times a day and hes far far to big for it and kicks me with his big string legs on my face or anywhere and gets muck everywhere in the process.theres no chance he will ever be toilet trained.SS have said theres no available respite.I hate it,hate that hes ruined my life and my other kids life.hes been a screaming demanding nightmare since he was born.no sleep no enjoyment, theres nothing about him that brings any happiness. I am at the stage I seriously think I need to give him up to social care.but I love him,what the hell can I do.im in a living hell.people judge those mothers who kill themselves and take their child but I completely understand why they do,sometimes there is no answer ,no help great enough.

No one would judge you for calling SS and letting them know that you cannot cope any longer

right now my respite has fell through but I do normally get 42 nights a year. The reality is you have make social services hear you . I know parents who told SS to remove their child and they want to relinquish parental responsibility, not really a bluff. I was in the position he hated school more than me so I didn’t have to prove the violence, he also attacked the social worker. There is help and social services can provide it unfortunately it takes as much elbows as need.

You can place him in residential care and still love him, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Quite the opposite. You’re just acknowledging that you alone aren’t able to meet all of his needs in a way that best benefits either of you or gives him the best life possible. The same as when adult children recognise that their aged parents need far more care and support than they’re able to provide - it doesn’t mean at all that they don’t love them anymore.

That sounds so unbelievably tough. Wish there was some help available.

My friend was in that situation and really couldnt handle it, ended up with the child in care which is so sad but i understood how hard it really is, i have 2 under 2 and its hard enough let alone if one had disabilities.

Its especially hard at this time what with the Pandemic.

I'm so so so very sorry. I was a nanny to a child very much like yours. How old is he? Is he not eligible to be in school? Or is he already, and this is just how it's been going outside of it? Echoing what others have said, contact SS again and say you are in a crisis.

That sounds incredibly difficult op. I think you have to call SS and tell them what you have said here, that you are in crisis and can’t cope. Don’t sugar coat it, be very clear that you absolutely cannot do it anymore.

How old is your DS? Would a residential school placement be an option? I appreciate you can’t just get a place at a residential school but has it been discussed with SS?

What @ComtesseDeSpair said. Hugs to you OP 💐

Bless you OP, you need to get that bite seen to and you need to get some proper rest. There is no shame in putting your child into residential care if he has needs you can't meet.

I absolutely do not judge parents who put their children in residential care by the way....walk a mile in their shoes and all that

Please call your disability social worker back , this was me a few weeks ago and to a certain extent still is, but they have found me some respite, so it is possible and that few hours a week is a life saver for both of us. They should be doing more to support you, they still have a duty of care to make sure our children are getting the help they need and that you are getting a break so you can continue to care for your son.

Oh OP. It would be hard for anyone. Please speak to your GP and get help for your mental health (how you're feeling is not unreasonable but it doesn't have to 100% be this way.) If you've been before then keep trying stuff, keep speaking to them and letting them know how you feel. There are loads of different things they can try. You could also seek therapy.

I'm not saying that you're wrong to feel the way you do, just that you need to seek immediate support for your mental health xxxxx

How old is your LO? Are you under a specialist? Perhaps there's some medication they can recommend to calm him down? Or they can in a couple of years. xxxx

Do you get DLA? It'd enable you to pay for someone to help you out. x

If you can't do these things yet you will be able to soon. Hang on in there. xxx

I agree totally with zzz1234 you have to care for yourself and all of your family. It would be better for your son to be in a suitable environment and get the best care. Life would improve for all of you and he can still be a big part of your family. Please look after yourself it must be incredibly hard for all of you.

This is absolutely outrageous that you should be abandoned like this.

No judgement here op. I can’t imagine what you are going through but 100% if I was in your situation I would feel the same. This is not what you planned for and you are allowed to grieve the experience of parenting you thought you would have.
Please see if your social worker can help you find respite. You need a break and that is nothing to be ashamed of xxxx

Short term , I suggest you make some notes point by point of your day. Alert the GP to a safeguarding issue and DEMAND he goes into respite for a week.

I too think residential care might be the best thing for everybody. He'll be looked after by people who can work a shift then go home and be fresh and ready for the next time they see him. And you and your family can have some quality visiting time with him.

Call your social worker and tell them you're putting your child into care. Immediately. they need to find him a permanent place since they aren't providing you much NEEDED help.

If they don't offer you respite care immediately, please follow through. This isn't good for either of you. It really isn't.

I work as a social worker & i’ve supported many parents to find the right care placement for their disabled child. There are some fabulous providers out there who will support you with supported living accommodation for him and thus help you to enjoy the quality parenting time you do have with him. It sounds to me like you need to access this provision now to facilitate a positive change in your family dynamic & in your loving relationship with him. Please talk to social services and request an assessment of your needs as a primary carer. Much love to you, you are a great mummy I’m sure and this would probably be the best move you can make, both for you and him.

I think you’ve tried enough, OP.

You didn’t sign up to give up your own life, and it sounds like you have another child as well?

Back on to SS, tell them you want him taken into care. You can visit etc but there is no point ruining two, possibly three lives because of the luck of the draw with your disabled child.
I would have a very low tolerance for the life you are describing, especially the physical harm.

As a PP said, you are invisible to the authorities. Once they have legal responsibility for your son, watch all of the help suddenly materialise.

That sounds absolutely soul destroying, I’m so sorry.

I hope you can get help with finding some decent respite care for him.

Hugs.

Sorry, that sounds so tough. If you really think you can't make that phone call I'm sure myself or someone else on here would do it for you. 💟

Hugs please get help as soon as this is very hard for you.

There is absolutely no shame in admitting that your son would be better off in a residential placement. It would be better for him and better for you and your family too. He would probably be more settled and when you did see him, you'd be able to enjoy being with him.

You'll have to really be the squeaky wheel to get there though.

Good luck