I resent my disabled child

[Meandyou02]

Another day ,another handful of my hair torn out,a bite on my shoulder which has not stopped stinging since 4am this morning when he woke and inflicted it,3 hours sleep for me for 14th night in a row,non stop crying for reasons he cant tell me(non verbal) followed by non stop laughing .pinched arms all day long.hate that I'm still wiping his bum up to 10 times a day and hes far far to big for it and kicks me with his big string legs on my face or anywhere and gets muck everywhere in the process.theres no chance he will ever be toilet trained.SS have said theres no available respite.I hate it,hate that hes ruined my life and my other kids life.hes been a screaming demanding nightmare since he was born.no sleep no enjoyment, theres nothing about him that brings any happiness. I am at the stage I seriously think I need to give him up to social care.but I love him,what the hell can I do.im in a living hell.people judge those mothers who kill themselves and take their child but I completely understand why they do,sometimes there is no answer ,no help great enough.

[randomer]

Can I just say it needn't be an either/or situation. The Mum and the family need respite. For Gods sake somebody , somewhere sort this out for this poor lady.

[Notredamn]

building, couldn't you just have given your advice but without the spiteful comments? It's clear the OP is on the edge and anyone would be.

[Waffles80]

Completely agree @notredamn.

@buildingbridge your comment is appalling; this is a mother at the absolute end of her tether ffs. I frequently dislike my NT child; the OP’s feelings are VALID and most of us posting here completely understand exactly why she feels as she does.

OP my sister is in the same position with her eldest DC. It sounds really really similar. Their child is now 17, and incredibly strong, and, if I am honest, dangerous. GP has prescribed an antidepressant which has helped calm my nephew down significantly.

[wentawaycameback]

Building - you really didn't need to 'be that person'

[Wolfgirrl]

@buildingbridge well it wasnt necessary to bring up the abuse was it? That could happen anywhere, school, nursery.

OP I have no personal experience of this, but you have absolute zero judgement from me. You have been pushed to your limit, everyone has one, and you must do what you need to do for the health and happiness of your family. Good luck

[buildingbridge]

Notredamn Please point me where my comments were spiteful. I do tend to say it how it is and I feel the longer OP feels like this, it will have an impact on other areas of her life.

I have been where OP has been, and people telling me "sorry,sorry,sorry", did not help me. The people, who told me, quite the opposite (even though I did not like it) were the ones who actually helped me.

It's our attitude that will enable us to change our life. I have a rule for myself, If I feel sad or can't cope or if anything is too much, I will spend a day feeling sorry for myself. Go to sleep, wake up and remind myself that today new day and I will use that time to try to make a step towards changing my predicament.

The longer the OP feels resentment, the more she will feel at loss and will, inadvertently, have an impact on her children's lives. OP, I know how you feel as I've been there, please preserve your energy and use that to contact social services/ local authority to get the right provision/ respite for your son.

[ErickBroch]

YANBU you poor thing. You have not failed your child. If they need residential care then so be it - that is not a failure and could improve your relationship hugely. I don't suppose you would say what county you are in? I could have a look for any charities that offer support. Also - please call Samaritans for some non-judgemental support. They will listen and understand and give you someone to speak to.

[cansu]

@buildingbridge has made a valid point. I feel for the OP as I have been there and it sounds like building has too. It is true to say that feelings vary. I have had days where I have felt toyed with ideas about not being around anymore but have never acted on any of these feelings and have felt differently the next day or next week. The key for coping is getting that support. That doesn't need to be full time residential care. For us, it started with fortnightly respite and Saturday clubs and progressed to weekly boarding. It got us throught that period and allowed us to have part of our life as normal again. The advantage of a residential school is that you retain the relationship, get support and get a break whilst your child learns skills. Most people who advocate the care system know little about it in real life. Abuse is unfortunately something to be wary of. Retaining control through having that parental responsibility for that child is very powerful and important for your child's welfare if you can manage that.

[Rubyupbeat]

I am so very sorry.

[Onceuponatimethen]

Op call contact a family. They may have really good advice about how to push for having a child social worker and respite allocated, if you want your child to stay at home. I know how hard you have to fight to get anything in place and it shouldn’t have to be this way.

Have a very close family member going through similar and people have no idea how hard it is

[buildingbridge]

Wolfgirl I will definitely bring up the abuse. Disabled children are most likely to get abused in the care system, yes they can get abused in school etc, but it appears it is much more prevalent in these situations. Again, this is my opinion, as I've highlighted, maybe they are nice care provisions out there. But for me, personally, I just would not take the risk. I would rather do residential.. boarding school etc.

[Minniee]

You've not failed him. You're a fucking marvel, to have got to the point you're at without breaking.

Ask for help and look into residential care, you can love him with all your heart and not live with him, they aren't exclusive.

Lots of love to you

[randomer]

Oh for Gods sake, this is not a subject for bickering. I would suggest the Op mentions the magic word safeguarding to her GP tomorrow ( by pnone obviously)

[Jimdandy]

Would you consider a care home and then visiting? As another poster says not everyone can look after a disabled child.

I certainly know I couldn’t do it you deserve a medal already

[LuxLuxLux84]

I understand. Please dont feel alone or that you are a bad person fir having these thoughts and feelings. My child has autism but is verbal and gives more affection etc but I have dark days and I get very little sleep and no real life of my own so I can imagine how hard it is for you. You need to demand some respite- of course the council say there is none. Can you contact a charity to help you? Do you know Skylarks? They are brilliant and will help Anyone it doesn’t matter where you are in the country.

[Tootletum]

I could never do it and I don't think you should feel guilty. Can you afford a care home?

[LuxLuxLux84]

And I agree about looking at residential care and also can you ask for some counselling for you so you can forgive yourself as you should for all your feelings. 💐

[LuxLuxLux84]

The thing is she will never feel she deserves a medal etc because she is a mother and he is her baby.

[Serialcatmum]

I’m a teacher in a special school. There absolutely IS respite out there. School also need to take your child and have him/ her in school to offer you some respite. This is ridiculous. You need more support. I’m
So sorry you’re going through this OP ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Bartlet]

@Tootletum. What an judgemental and crass thing to say to a person on the edge. You have absolutely no idea what you’d do in that situation

And the ignorance of asking if she can afford a care home. This level of care costs hundreds of thousands of pounds per year. Do you really think if the OP had millions to spare she would be struggling alone at the moment?

[MumMum12]

So sorry that you are going through this. I find you inspiring and think you are an amazing mum. Do not feel bad about the thoughts you are having, im sure we've all had similar thoughts with our own less challenging children. Don't lose hope , don't give up. Your amazing and can get through this 🤗

[Bartlet]

@Tootletum. Apologies. I misread your post as saying you could never give up your child. .

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I think putting him in care might help. He would get the specialist help he needs then.

[Tootletum]

@Bartlet err I'm a bit confused. I've surely made it clear I've no personal experience so I've no idea how care home fees for disability work. I rather assumed there was an offset against the cost of social care, but anyway I was just saying that I don't think she needs to feel bad about her feelings, they're very understandable.