This sounds absolutely terrible...

[Blossom4538]

But I hate our lives with out ASD little one. It’s just depressing, lonely, exhausting and stressful.

It goes without saying, I adore our daughter with all my heart, but life is miserable and so hard.

I feel terrible saying it

Don’t be. This is a safe space where you can say this. It can be unrelenting at times and a life so far removed from what you thought you’d have. But there can be bright sparks, and there will be.
It’s hard not to compare lives but a Someone once told me everyone’s going through something, we just can’t see it. One thing I would say is come off social media- I’ve found that the constant updates about the best bits of peoples lives can drag your mind down and think you’re the only one living through something.
Try and find joy in the times you can, our definition of joy tends to change when life throws us down a path we never thought we’d have to take, but those minutes of peace, smiles, eye contact, hand holds- whatever it is, they will keep you going.
A final point, and I hate it when people tell me this, but I am so very different because of my child with autism. I’m less materialistic, empathetic and kinder as a result of my childs difficulties. It’s taught me to look at people in difficult situations with compassion, not pity..and made me braver. I won’t shy away from helping that mum or dad having to deal with a childs meltdown in a shop. I don’t doubt had I been given a child without difficulties, I probably (much to my shame) would’ve walked on by.

@Blossom4538 yes I totally hear you.its awful and you just need to say it.doesnt make you a bad mother.i started a current thread on AIBU called the year of Abandonment,all because it is too uncomfortable ,its how I feel about my sons severe Autism, theres some great advice there.hugs to you

Thank you both. That is so helpful!
We have had a good week so feel a little more positive