I just don't want DS to go to a special school

[drspouse]

I just don't.
That's been my feeling all along and it's still my feeling.
School want him out, preferably yesterday.
They are stopping him from doing after school clubs (we think this is discrimination). We suspect they may stop him from going on outings too.
He has ADHD and is impulsive and not learning because he can't pay attention. He has a 1:1 and is awaiting an EHCP. School want us to find a special school NOW and name it in the EHCP (we can't even get appointments to see any before the panel meets).
There are 3 possible special schools, all independent, all a long drive, he gets carsick. They are all tiny and cover a huge age range so there will be max 3 children in his peer group and they won't live near us.
I just don't want to do this. I want him to be in his local, community school with his sister and his friends. School say he has no friends. That's why he gave his friend a huge hug in the playground this morning, I suppose, then. OK, it was a very overwhelming hug and I had to remind him to ask people first if they want a hug, but he says he has friends, and this particular boy has been his friend since Reception.

I was wondering if you heard. When ours went to panel we had to wait until the minutes were released the next day but the case office said 'I think you will be pleased' so we weren't left hanging.

I suspect we won't be pleased...

Turn up for the books - one of the SEND admin people noticed our comments hadn't been forwarded to panel as the SENDCO is off sick so rang me to arrange to meet to incorporate them.

Its good yo meet in person. Does that mean the panel made a decision without your comments or will it ho to panel again or does this person have authority to make the changes.

We had a meeting which was useful. There was lots they wouldnt change eg the professional reports were untouchable - even mistakes - but they really tightened up the needs section which led to better outcomes and provisions. Hope the meeting goes well.

I think it has to go again.
That sounds rubbish.

Oh and we saw two special schools today.
One had a poor reputation from local parents and it is like they said - there wasn't an obvious place for DS as the kids are all much older or at a much lower level.
The other was a bit more possible but several boxes remain unticked. The HT made it clear also that DS is much less severe than most of the children they take and they don't have spaces at the moment so that means we might not be chosen by the LEA over another child they can take who has greater needs.
We are seeing two more special schools next week and two mainstream.

Its like a FT job going too all these meetings and reviews. It breaks my heart how little decent provision there is. I hope the mainstreams are positive as i know thats what you feel your son needs.

I have a reasonably good feeling about the other special school too. It serves a more "leafy" area so may have fewer severe social needs histories and more SPLD.

As a mum, I absolutely understand your maternal instinct to protect him and keep him included in his local primary with his family and neighbours. I admire you fighting for him and wish that every parent cared so deeply.

On the flip side, I left teaching 3 years ago, I'm not going to sugar coat it - one of the reasons I left was because I found it impossible to teach a class with children, who for no fault of their own, made it impossible to teach the other 29.

I had 3 consecutive years in Year 1 with children with shocking behaviour (due to a range of ASD, ADHD and attachment disorders) all had EHCPs and all had a 1:1 TA.

The straw that broke the camels back was when one little boy was hit in the face by a chair as it was flung (at the 1:1 TA) It knocked his tooth out. This was a mainstream school in a nice, leafy area. That was the Wednesday and I handed my notice in on the Friday.

There needs to be more specialist provisions so children, such as your DS don't have to travel and I feel desperately sorry for the families experiencing these issues. But someone has to advocate for the other 29 children who have their learning impacted, are 'forced' into being play buddies at breaks, and have to witness the adults they look up to being assaulted, often, daily.

I don't think people realise what happens in classrooms at times.

I'm now a mental health nurse on an acute ward and it is far less stressful!

thats nice

@grasspigeons no need for the 'eye roll'

I'm being honest. I cared greatly for the children that struggled, but I couldn't offer them the support, space and resources they desperately needed. It wasn't remotely 'inclusive' the other children were terrified of the one little boy that I mentioned. They would play with him because they were scared to say no.

Drspouse I really hope you get a good outcome for your little boy, but in my experience if they are saying they can't meet his needs and he is attracting full funding through an EHCP then they really must have run out of options. Schools don't move pupils on lightly.

My DS doesn't assault other children. Or his TAs (ok, he spat at one, once, and he pushed a child last year).
This is not my DS you are describing.
He gets up in class, he can't listen, and he often just refuses to do anything, but he doesn't hurt anyone for the most part.
We have had aggression at home but it's abating at the moment on his meds.
And yes, I get that he is disruptive but it's more that they are OK with SEN as long as they are quiet SEN.

I've obviously been scarred then! Drspouse your school sounds a bit wet if that's the extent of his 'aggression' I was imagining far worse - maybe my last school wasn't as 'leafy and lovely' as I thought. Spitting and pushing other children wasn't hugely eyebrow raising!

I still wouldn't want him somewhere that had 'given up on him'.

There are little independent schools - all over the place, I know it sounds daft but have you had a google? I thought I was familiar with all the alternative provision in our area, I found out last week that there is an Indy school for children with attachment disorder round the corner from me.

@FellaGoneRogue - sorry for the eyeroll..im a bit oversensitive about the idea that all children that need specialist provision must be really violent and the implication that those in specialist provision dont need protecting from witnessing assault like those in mainstream do. I know people really mean the children wont be violent if they get the right support ... but it doesnt always come across like that!

That's ok grasspigeons, I get how bloody hard it must be fighting constant battles for your child to get the right support.

Thank you grass given the behaviour that some of the children in the two schools we saw have exhibited, I'm not sure why it's OK for my DS to see that!
All the schools in the county are listed on the LEA website. We are seeing one out of county too. Lots of helpful SEN contacts but most of the schools are for older children TBH.

Do they think oppositional defiance disorder?
Do you think with the adhd and adoption the school are unable to be strict about the getting up in lessons/disruptive behaviour.

It sounds like the school are creating this opportunity to move him on before they get named in an echp.
But with just starting meds it seems a strange time as there could i assume be an improvement.

As there doesnt seem to be the sen provision at SS it seems likely that

• most adhd dc cope at MS (until ending up at PRU/excluded?)
• possibly there is more going on?

My own dc has struggled hugely also yr 2. We have ups and downs with behaviour so it seems unclear if it's adhd. Not so generally disruptive but has hidden under table, scratched other dc, doesnt get on with peers and this is getting worse (not invited to anything).
Cant cope with any afterschool clubs as there are no consequesces for bad behaviour.
Similarly though not paying attention to lessons so despite being bright will likely not pass the maths SATs.

Things got worse before the meds - we think they are a little better now but school don't think so.
Strict does not work with him - what works is ignoring him saying NO and then he does whatever it was. So he's actually very compliant, but gets anxious if pressurised, though this is getting better too.
His hyperactivity is SO obvious to everyone that we tend to think he has such a severe case of ADHD we are going to need a higher dose of meds to settle him down. He was at the top of the scale on the Conners scale.
It does seem odd to us that there's no real SS provision for ADHD given how common it is.
We are now doing a lot better at after school club which is also down to the meds we think.

Hey drspouse

It's a really hard place to be in, I know.
DS, 10, had a year in mainstream with an EHCP after being threatened with exclusion and being on a part time timetable for 2 years prior.

It was a really robust EHCP with external OT and SLT support and specialist help from the county ASD team (he is autistic, has ADHD, bright and social), he had full time 1:1, a special breaktime group in a quieter place with a small group of buddies. He had regular sensory breaks. A safe room to himself when he needed to retreat.

But it still didn't work out. Ultimately the staff, even with training, just weren't experienced enough to know the right way to help and support him - they had never come across another DS before.

He started at a MLD school for year 5 and it's been the best thing to happen to both him and our whole family.

We really did that final year in mainstream because DH couldn't face him going to a SS - I was ready before then but agreed to throw everything we could into mainstream to make it work.

He's on track to do his SATs next year (the only one in his class of 10). He loves being top of the class academically.

They do only offer 4/5 GCSEs, but what's to say he doesn't then go to college and get another 3/4? The push to do them all in year 11 is an artificial one.
And actually anxiety wise splitting them would be a lot better..

Socially all the other kids in his class have ASD or ADHD so socialising is different from before. We still see some of his old friends out of school. Which was always better anyway because I'm on hand to help when he becomes a bit overwhelming or frustrated.

By watching his new classmates react to things he is gaining far more self awareness in himself because he's seeing himself from the outside iyswim.

The staff there are all amazing. They take everything in their stride. DS and I are welcomed, we are never made to feel inadequate or to blame if things go wobbly. They have a therapy dog which DS adores.
They have regular trips and visits from people he never had in mainstream. He's happy there, and tells me about his day and the learning he's done.

If I was you I'd concentrate on getting a really robust plan with the LA paying and providing lots of external support for his current school.
Give it a year.

Then you will feel you have done all you can, and if it's still not working then it will feel like SS is more the next natural step and you are not being forced.

Most kids on DS's transport are reported to get travel sick - DS included. He listens to audiobooks on the journey and is fine! You'd be amazed how much they can actually adapt and cope with when they have to.

Oh - also in mainstream it was always said my DS has PDA and he was hugely demand avoidant.

Since starting SS he's become far less avoidant. So much of it was anxiety at being overwhelmed all the time.

His old OT went into his new school the other week and couldn't believe the amount of written work he was producing - they could never get him to write anything without a fight in mainstream!

That sounds like a great MLD school - our local one is more SLD with a few MLD because the pressure on places is so much that it's really hard to get a place.
This is the impression I got from the other schools we visited - on paper DS is suitable, in practice to get a place the children have already shown much much worse behaviour than DS has ever shown and they are older (or way way less verbal/imaginative/social).

Yes it is a wonderful school.
It is a mixture of abilities - DS's class has some non verbal / pre verbal children, but he gets on with them just as well as the verbal children. They find ways to communicate!

I love that he's now so used to and accepting of disabilities of all kinds.

The secondary in particular has children with more severe learning disabilities - but that will change I think as DS's cohort go up (it's had to take in far more academically able children than it used to due to demand for places for kids who couldn't cope in mainstream).
So therefore the school will need to adapt to that when the time comes.

But we do provide lots of opportunities for him still to socialise with his old NT pals because that's important too.

I found it was like buying a house when I looked round his current school, it just felt right and I knew they would 'get' him.

That's what I'm hoping, so far we haven't found "the one".

Looked at a local general special school. Not sure again. It feels more like DS could fit in but nobody ever leaves, 3 each year do 1 GCSE etc etc. The teacher that showed us round did say a few go on to mainstream secondary (maybe one every other year) but in a "don't get your hopes up" way.

If I were you, I'd get DC assessed by a good independent educational psychologist. Ask SOS!SEN for their list. It won't be quick (because they are booked up), and so won't help you in finding a school tomorrow; but ultimately they should do a comprehensive assessment of him and would speak to you frankly about what sort of school and support he does need.

Its rarer than hen's teeth, ime for anybody who works for a mainstream school or the LA to tell you what DC really needs - the bottom line is either in the case of a school, how can they send DC anywhere so long as its not their school; and the LA what is the cheapest option? The only people who have DC's interests really at heart are you, the parents.