Dangerous DD? **Trigger warning**

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

Posting here for traffic - I am at the end of my tether .

DD1 (10) has mild autism and has always been a bit difficult. However, lately her behaviour has gone off the scales. She starts screaming at me in the morning before I even get out of bed. She hurts DD2 (and has hit me in the past).

She can be a screaming, shouting banshee for hours, and then, suddenly, turn into this little ray of sunshine that giggles, laughs and tells us how much she loves us. Five minutes later she'll hit DD2 again and start stropping and screaming. I've started to wonder if she isn't bipolar or psychotic - and I feel like a bad mother for even wondering this .

She constantly lies, and seems to genuinely believe her own lies. She's started cutting herself because apparently it will make me happy. She threatens to kill herself a number of times a week.

Last night things reached a whole new level, and she started threatening to kill DD2. After hours of screaming she told me she definitely will kill DD2. She spoke to her 'D'F on the phone and he managed to calm her down. 30 minutes of relative peace, and then the shouting started again. She refused to go to bed, and said again she was going to kill herself, and it was all my fault.

I'm ashamed to say I did something cruel, but I was truly at my wits' end and I am exhausted to the very depths of my soul. I came out of my room and told her I was going to kill myself. She tried to stop me going into the kitchen (as DD2 always tries to do when DD1 tries to get a knife). I pushed past her, got my biggest, sharpest knife, pressed it to my wrist and asked her if she wanted to watch (as she always asks me). Quoting her verbatim, I said that she hates me anyway, will be happy if I'm dead, and be rid of me. She was in hysterics, screaming that I'm her mum, she loves me and she didn't want me to kill myself.

She cried in her room for a while, then came to me and we had a cuddle. She said she felt very very scared, and I told her that's the way DD2 and I feel every time she does it. She promised to not do it again.

I don't feel proud of myself at all, but I do think (hope) that on some level I got through to her. I am going to take her to the GP as I think she needs a psyc evaluation. The thing is, nobody believes me when I tell them what she's like. They see this beautiful girl with the angelic blonde curls with impeccable behaviour (at school anyway), and they think I'm making it all up.

Has anyone else been in this position? Any words of advice? Tell me off for being cruel, anything. I'm feel like I'm losing my DD and I want to stop any more damage being done.

Hi OP

My DS (10, ASD) often threatens to harm himself during a meltdown - it's very distressing (however he has little control over what he's saying at these times).

I think it might well be taking so much out of her to mask at school that she's then distressing to a huge scale at home.

Unfortunately it's a common problem when bright autistic children seem to be coping at school but then parents have to deal with the fallout at home. But because school don't see that they are reluctant to put any support in.

My DS started SS in September and he is a lot more settled at both home and school - but altho he's bright the work there isn't that challenging for him, but that was a compromise we were all willing to make and he's far happier there.

It's extremely hard balancing the needs of an autistic child alongside their sibling and it's probably what I find the most hard. DS can be very controlling over my DD and I worry constantly about the effect it has on her.
It is better now they are at different schools.

Definitely talk to school, consider applying for an EHCP. Being bright doesn't mean she might not need one to meet her needs.

Lock away knives / sharp objects etc.

Keep talking to your other child about autism and why DD reacts as she does sometimes, and have a plan for when that happens (the basket idea above is a good one and I'm going to adopt that I think).

 you are not alone.

OP .... your dd doesn’t have ‘mild autism’ ... you need to understand that. Her condition is not mild. I used to say that about my dd, until I realised that her behaviour affected our family life to such a degree that it just couldn’t be described as mild. It’s a misconception. Girls especially ‘mask’ their difficulties, mimic others to appear normal and fit in.

I know you said home school is not an option. My dd got to a stage where I just couldn’t put her through the trauma of school any longer so I said she could stay off. I rang school each day and told them dd was too stressed to come in. After 2 weeks of being at home school arranged an EHCP assessment and had meetings about how best to accommodate dd so she could attend school again. I’d asked for 3 years about an EHCP and was told we wouldn’t get one as dd was academically able. Yet as soon as her non attendance affected schools attendance tables they bent over backwards to help.

In her time of not going to school, dd was a completely different girl. Far happier. Far less outbursts. You could very probably find the same with your dd once the pressure of school is taken away.

CAMHS were rubbish for us, hopefully you’ll get better help from them than we did. But first and foremost, you are the best one to help your dd ... have the confidence to do what YOU think is right for her, not necessarily what others think is right for her.

This is a crisis situation. I won’t repeat what others have said but you also need to go to a social worker and GP and loudly tell them that your DD2 has been hit and threatened with her life. You’ll need to trust them to help but you need to protect her.

The danger is that Camhs and the school will not respond with very much, and I would take extremely seriously the harm that is being done to your other daughter and you are not coping, I’m not saying that to be harsh, it’s very very hard but you need to shout a bit at SS and your GP about this and get professional support that is not only on your older daughter, but clear protection for your DD2 who is suffering abuse in the home now. They will help you.

Hi OP,

Just read about your ex - that sounds very difficult and unhelpful. Is it possible that once you're linked up to extra professional help for your DD that the professionals could contact him to talk him through what her symptoms are and suggest how he might apply some helpful techniques himself with her? That probably has been done in the past but if it is re-iterated to him more by those outside the family, perhaps that would help? I know sometimes hearing from professionals that appreciate the size of the issue and what is and isn't helpful can be a bit more of an eye-opener (though it shouldn't be, he should be listening to you too).

Hope you're all getting on as well as possible.

She's now on the case load of the Emotional Wellbeing Hub . They're going to refer her to the youth mental health team. She was referred a couple of years ago but they weren't interested.

@MagpieSong - he won't listen to anybody, professional or otherwise, as he always knows better about everything than anyone, unfortunately. He can't see the issues with DD as she's exactly like him.

That's great news that she's now with the Emotional Wellbeing Hub. Really hope the referral helps.

Sounds like a nightmare with the ex. How difficult. Did you say he also was on the spectrum? I might have missed it (just 4 year old climbing on me and singing Paw Patrol).

@MagpieSong - He's never been tested, but I'm convinced he's on the spectrum. I didn't realise this 'till DD got diagnosed, and then a lot of his behaviour started to make sense. I'm way too scared of him to ever mention this to him though.