Dangerous DD? **Trigger warning**

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

Posting here for traffic - I am at the end of my tether .

DD1 (10) has mild autism and has always been a bit difficult. However, lately her behaviour has gone off the scales. She starts screaming at me in the morning before I even get out of bed. She hurts DD2 (and has hit me in the past).

She can be a screaming, shouting banshee for hours, and then, suddenly, turn into this little ray of sunshine that giggles, laughs and tells us how much she loves us. Five minutes later she'll hit DD2 again and start stropping and screaming. I've started to wonder if she isn't bipolar or psychotic - and I feel like a bad mother for even wondering this .

She constantly lies, and seems to genuinely believe her own lies. She's started cutting herself because apparently it will make me happy. She threatens to kill herself a number of times a week.

Last night things reached a whole new level, and she started threatening to kill DD2. After hours of screaming she told me she definitely will kill DD2. She spoke to her 'D'F on the phone and he managed to calm her down. 30 minutes of relative peace, and then the shouting started again. She refused to go to bed, and said again she was going to kill herself, and it was all my fault.

I'm ashamed to say I did something cruel, but I was truly at my wits' end and I am exhausted to the very depths of my soul. I came out of my room and told her I was going to kill myself. She tried to stop me going into the kitchen (as DD2 always tries to do when DD1 tries to get a knife). I pushed past her, got my biggest, sharpest knife, pressed it to my wrist and asked her if she wanted to watch (as she always asks me). Quoting her verbatim, I said that she hates me anyway, will be happy if I'm dead, and be rid of me. She was in hysterics, screaming that I'm her mum, she loves me and she didn't want me to kill myself.

She cried in her room for a while, then came to me and we had a cuddle. She said she felt very very scared, and I told her that's the way DD2 and I feel every time she does it. She promised to not do it again.

I don't feel proud of myself at all, but I do think (hope) that on some level I got through to her. I am going to take her to the GP as I think she needs a psyc evaluation. The thing is, nobody believes me when I tell them what she's like. They see this beautiful girl with the angelic blonde curls with impeccable behaviour (at school anyway), and they think I'm making it all up.

Has anyone else been in this position? Any words of advice? Tell me off for being cruel, anything. I'm feel like I'm losing my DD and I want to stop any more damage being done.

Whoops, that was long, sorry. And now I'm going to get a few hours sleep.

Didn't want to read and run. Sounds utterly ghastly OP.

I will check in my in on you later, I've just had my appendix whipped out and m high as a kite! X

Oh goodness I found this such an upsetting post and I’m not sure what to say.

Please get YOURSELF to the GP. YOU need support for coping with your daughter. It sounds incredibly tough. Please look after yourself.

You poor poor thing. I won't tell you off. You really must be at the end of your tether, and I can see that you were just desperately trying to get through to her. You're caught between a rock and a hard place. You're trying to shield your younger daughter from all of this drama but also save your older daughter from whatever is driving her to this. Taking her to the doctor is absolutely the right thing to do. Reassure her of your unconditional love and be kind to yourself.

@MissBridgetJones - hope you recover quickly.

First of all you're not a bad mum for wondering if there is something wrong with her because there may be. A bad mum would tell themselves and everyone else that their child was an angel.

DS is NT but adopted and massively traumatised and some of the behaviour is the same. Do you have any support from anywhere? What has helped us a bit is support from play therapists and social workers.

What you did with the knife was not ideal but I know how you feel to be at the end of your tether, it's massively stressful when you are dealing with this sort of behaviour day in, day out.

You might want to explore groups and support for your other DD as she will be finding this very hard too. Is there a siblings group anywhere?

No proper advice but I do sympathise and do try to look after yourself.

Any chance you can record some of her behaviour to take with you to show GP? If she becomes too dangerous for your younger child can she spend time at her df house?

Hi op, anyone one here who won't "tell you off" because you don't deserve that and are clearly at the end of your tether.

I have a 16yr old ds with autism ( HF ) and thankfully we have never had any behaviour problems but I'm posting to offer some solidarity.
Autism is bloody hard enough without adding this scary behaviour to the mix. Your dd has obviously had a shock and this opinion may be unpopular but I think that's what she needed ( maybe not the best scenario re: the knife but its done now and you can't change that ) and hopefully she will begin to recognise how scary her behaviour is and the impact it is having on you and dd2.

I have found CAMHS very helpful for ds's issues with anxiety over the years and i know they deal with much more complex issues.

Keep the communication flowing. Dd is clearly hurting and lashing out and the best way forward would be to find the root of her issues and look towards dealing with them.
Very best of luck

Yes. Autistic DD now aged 14. Went through 4-5 years of this with her puberty. She started early periods at 10. Just about now coming out the other side (hasn’t hit me in weeks). Mainly caused by her massive anxiety. I used to scream back (not proud of this) but eventually the thing that worked was telling her I loved her 15 times a day. Poor kid was terrified by what was going on in her head. It’s bloody exhausting. Get what help you can. I am lucky that there are two of us (still married to DD’s dad). Even her little brother seems to have coped although there have been tricky moments. Go to the GP. DD has been on meds for a while. Not a cure but made it just about manageable. Totally get it!

I don't think anyone could judge what you did OP. To be perfectly honest I'd probably have done the same thing and it sounds like it actually helped get through to her. Agree that you need support in coping with your DD as well as getting her evaluated so you can get the help she needs. Is her dad not much help? You say 'D' F?

I don't know OP, I think it is part of the ASD. My DD aged 10 is also HFA, no banshee but lots of strops, she seems really lost depressed at the minute, I found her on a chat room speaking inappropriately, talking about self harm, only today. I am only finishing a night shift, I have no idea how I am going to deal with this when I wake
I've no advise but I get it.
There is no help, I also have dcd etc, I had major meltdowns from 10 to 15, hormones are really effecting them, more than a NT DC.

Move over to the special needs boards and post there. This behaviour is extreme but also familiar, and there are those who have walked in your shoes before and who understand the underlying anxiety driving your daughters behaviour.
FWIW it is possible that she behaves like she does to reassure herself that she is loved unconditionally. Sounds like a horrible cycle driven by very deep anxiety.

what you did was horrid,for all of you to have had to do that and witness it.im not blaming you it must have been petfiying to get to that point.but please please try not to do this stuff again.she is ill that is why she is doing that.so she has a reason(in ways) to do so whatever they are.wheras you as her mum doing that to her child,well it means something totally different if you see what I mean.and the feeling it will bring to your children to see that will be totally different to you knowing she is ill with something and doing it.and it will perpetuate her shame guilt and anxiety.
but again I know why you must have reached that point.
I think getting help is the thing to do.dont tell her its to fix,sort I change her just to get her feeling safe,you love her so much so lets try everyythin to see if you can feel less anxious and safe and maybe even happy again.
keep trying to reassure her that she is safe.she is contained and you will work together to get this sorted.
to wtiness it must be terrible imagine being all that isndie you own head.she must be so scared and confused.
but also what if she does have a mental health illness.that not wrong or bad.its an illness like any other and you can ease it with help and support.
don't give up op.there are lots of people here for you too.
do you have a space in your home for a safe space.like somewhere she can go that you all no shes feeling really anxious and out of control.so you no where she is but she can escape to.
does she talk to you about how shes feeling?
sometimes we used to sit either side of the door and pass notes under it so it was easier?
keep talking.
keep loving.
obviously make sure your other dd knows her sister is poorly but your going to work together to get help.
could you write down some of the events so you have something to take with you to the help.
do you ever have a safe word.we used one.so it was something like potatos.and it would be said when she felt out of control.and then she could shout it any time any level any way and sometimes shout it at us or us to her and it worked sometimes to deflate the situation or release it.

Does she have an EHC Plan? It's very common for children with ASD, particularly girls, to mask in school but to behave like this at home, and much of it is a result of the built-up stresses of the school day. There's a lot of literature about it around - e.g. this. You're absolutely right to ask for a psychiatric referral. You might also like to ask for a care assessment with a view to having some help with her at home. You need to emphasise how dangerous the situation is including the fact that your other child is at serious risk.

My heart goes out to both of you, as everybody says see GP for psych referral. Write a bullet point list of those concerning behaviours so they have a full realisation of how serious this is. If it gets to the point of her meaningfully threatening to kill sibling again (or herself) I would take her to A&E it might get things fast tracked.

It sounds horrendous. I feel so sorry for your other daughter. Please get as much professional support as you can for your other daughter's sake.

The fact that your threat and demonstration (no judging here) had an effect means that she had control though and can modify her behaviour so I think you can build on this and talk to her to try and dig out what it's all actually about.

The only thing wrong in your post op is to say you think she needs help. There is no thinking about it to be done. She needs help. NOW.

"Mirroring" behaviour sometimes does get through so I can see where you were coming from but clearly this situation is now way out of control and so please do seek help.

I agree with PPs that this sounds like masking at school then letting out the tension at home. With ASD, school is really hard, i wonder if theres a way for you to make it easier? i'll whisper home ed as an OPTION

You need help urgently. Please make an appointment to see your gp today.

I don't feel proud of myself at all, but I do think (hope) that on some level I got through to her.
This won’t have helped the situation. All you will have made her do is feel less secure with you.

I won’t tell you off either . God knows you are at the end of a very long tether

I always think that helping yourself first is priority . As YOU need a place to vent and someone to talk you

Then I agree get to SN board and so a lot of reading . As a wise PP
Said Many will have walked
In your shoes before and read through

Sending you massive strength

I could have written this! I think dd was 11 when it got to the stage of getting a camhs referral for my sanity. They were good, she had cbt, she got extra support at school (this was the cause of much of the problems, because a day fitting in and dealing with school meant she was crazy stressed when she got home). We also put dd2 into more after school clubs so dd1 came home to just me. She's been on a few meds, she was assessed for bipolar etc but they say it's "just" autism and normal hormones colliding. We are several years on and she's calmed a lot, still can explode at her sister but it's weeks apart.

that sounds so bloody hard.

If she doesn't have an EHCP in place at school, you will need to push for one.

If she doesn't have help from CAMHS, again, you will need to push for it, get a referral through your GP, but you will need to spell out to them how bad things are (maybe print out your post?) so that the referral is urgent (in some areas the waiting list is years).

Are there any courses local to you for parents with Autistic kids? I'm sure organisations like NAS have helplines or further resources on their website?

I have no direct experience to offer you, only that you need much much more support than you have now.

Things can never reach this point again. I would go to the gp today and tell the dr what you have told us. Your youngest dd needs protecting and it may be better for dd1 to spend some of the time at her fathers, gps so that you can focus on dd2 at least some of the time.

I am so sorry it has come to this. I am not judging you at all, no one is, but you seriously need much help and support 💐💐💐💐