Any news from Aloha's meeting

[Curmudgeonlett]

how did it go?

Awful spelling

You didn't mess up - you really didn't.

I remember you posting on MN about your meeting with the SENCO when he first started - and they said he would be an asset not a problem.
Your DS has SEN. They don't now seem to be atking account of that in the way they conduct themselves professionally. Thay don't seem to be taking account of it when they interprt what he does. Of course he probably thinks that catching people with skipping ropes is simply what people do to make friends.

In their ignorance, they possibly DO think they want the best for your DS - they just don't seem to accept that they must relate on terms appropriate to a child with AS.

I am glad, at least, that they have conceded that someone needs to help with lunch at the moment.

And it's so complicated now - there are two things going on really - a grievance with the school - their inconsistencies over packed lunch, telling / not telling you things, AND the need to get him a statement.

I wonder if you could find an advocate ofd some kind? A sort of official intermediary? (although I must confess I thought that was one of the thngs PFI were suposed to do!!). Does the school or LEA have a complaints procedure? But you don't want to be seen to be trying to get a statement because of a disagreement, iyswim.

So hard.

But you know what?

You didn't mess up.

You weren't to know the school would be this bad before your DS started. None of this is your fault.

I think Aloson's suggestion is good.

Dear Aloha,

I know that this will give you little comfort, but you are not alone in dealing with this difficult situation.

I am in a remarkably similar position with my DS, also aged 5. At present he has no DX but has been described as showing "Aspergers traits". I suspect that he is on the spectrum somewhere and have decided to go to BIBIC for a full assessment.

Although my DS's school are not hostile, his needs are clearly not being met as he is only in school for 1.5 hours per day . The only issues the school want to discussion are regarding his behavioural "difficulties", with no mention or focus upon his considerable strengths (he seems to be a mini Einstein ).

We have also started on the lengthy quest for a statement, and the difficulty as you say is knowing when to move schools. I am sure that if we can find an alternative we will move DS - but when?

Our position is slightly complicated as the most likely suitable school is fee paying. My best guess is that DS would settle better with the statement in place, but I can't in all conscience see him returning to his current school in September.

I have spent many, many fruitless hours trying to work out the best path through this mess and have eventually decided to get some advice from SEN Legal. I really want to know what the LEA's obligations are and also some tactical advice upon when is the best time to jump ship to a new school.

If this advice would be of assistance to you I am happy to relay this in due course.

My good friend Prufrock has my RL e-mail address if you would like to contact me.

Keep your chin up.

DCT

Just to pick up on something Blu said in case you missed it

You didn't mess up!

Christalmighty, Aloha.

I am so sorry. The school is F8cking up in big, big way. It really is. Makes me very, very angry.

I don't think I trust the governors. Suspect school is hotbed of gossip.
Feel like just running away tbh! Over the hills and a long way off!
DCT - I feel the same about you as seeing him as all problem and ignoring his strengths. It makes no sense to me to say that the entire reception literacy and numeracy curriculum is 'irrelevant' to him yet then tell us we 'expect too much from him'.

Ds now has a statement and 1:1 support and it has made so much difference to all our lives. The truth is that if he had gone to a school to start with that was more receptive to his needs he wouldn't have got to the stage where he was being threatened with permanent exclusion at 4 1/2. But at the same time he would still have had some problems because he does think differently to most people and this can cause him frustration and confusion so he acts out. Chances are thought that we wouldn't have got a statement or certainly not as easily as we did.

If i could go back in time and change things I'm not sure i would. I wish he hadn't had to go through what he did but at least now he has all the support he could want - and his current school couldn't possibly afford to do this without his statement and LEA funding.

DS doean't have a dx but has many ASD and ADHD traits. He is on the list to be assessed for AS but TBH I doubt he will get a dx because he copes so well most of the time. For us the statement was the thing that made the difference.

I took ds out of his old school and then didn't complain about their behaviour for nearly 6 months as I found it too upsetting to go over what had happened.

In the end I decided I needed to try and stop this happeneing to another child and family so I wrote a letter of complaint to the Governors and copied it to the head of the LEA, my local MP and the Diorcese (it was Catholic). I did this to make sure the school couldn't just 'misfile' my complaint as i didn't have any faith in the Governors dealing with it.

I also don't understand why in hell's name they felt it at all relevant to speak about your behaviour AT ALL. This was a review of your son and his needs. Not your fecking carpeting.

Spot on, MI.

Aloha - i can understand that you feel undermined and distrustful - who wouldn't, they don't keep any one goalpost still for more than a minute. But I wonder about things put in writing. hard for gosspi to rule the roost when cold fact is in black and white.

But best not to do anything without a lot of fore-thought atm. I would guess.

What a useless bunch of tossers - they are failing your DS badly and now they want to sweep it under the carpet and make it look like your fault. Whatever else you do I think you need to see that assessment as I bet there is a lot of wrong stuff in it. You don't want that passed on uncorrected to any future school.

IME governors do not tend to gossip

I would seriously consider taking this to the Chair

MI is right - why the hell were they discussing you when this was about DS?

And why in hell's name shouldn't you say things behind the head's back, if you want to? Isn't that part of the job of being a head, that people grumble about you? Certainly is at DD1's school. And the only time the head has ever told me off is when he rang me up after I'd had a slanging match with another mum in the playground

They sound dreadful. Just dreadful. I don't think that school is the right place for your ds - it's hard to see where you can go from here. But it's them, not you, and not your ds - they have failed you.

I'm so sorry that you are so upset.

I have just spoken to my Mum and she was shocked and disgusted by what has been going on. She says you have every right to see anything they have written about your son.

Aloha, I am so sorry. It's very clear that you made exactly the right choice based on the information available to you at the time, and it's not your fault in any way that things have gone wrong like this. They sound as though they are completely on the defensive because they know they have fcked up royally. That is such an immature reaction that I wouldn't trust them to handle this any better in future. Unless they find a way forward and* make a handsome apology I think you just have to find somewhere else. I can't imagine the stress levels for you of dealing with these people until your dd is 11.

I agree with moo the school have failed you and ds. It sounds to me like you couldn't be doing more to support him at home.

Ds school tried to blame us too. First they said i hadn't made them aware of his problems - I pointed out that they hadn't been apparent before he started school. Then the head told me she had never seen such awful behaviour in all her years of teaching - this was her diplomatic way of telling me that he was being excluded for the first time. Then the SENCO gave me the address for little Angels and parenting skills stuff(grrr) I kept telling them that he had been ok at home - a livewire sure but we managed fine.

I can see what you are saying about the govenors - but even if you decide to move your DS it may help others in the school too by complaining to them.
Definately you should at least list your complaints to the head in writing after todays meeting - a statement of what happened and what was wrong.
you should also ask to see the records to see exactly what the recommendations are for your DS and go from there.

AND another thing (ranty rave) why in hell's name are they behaving as if they have never, ever come across a child with Asberger's before? Are we expected to believe that your area is a statistical blip in which no child has ever been diagnosed with the condition? Which I bloody doubt, given that I live v close and we're getting a new head who has specialised in autism, ffs.

The situation was different for me as ds was still only 4 and therefore under statutory school age. It got to the point where it was obvious that the head was building a case for permanent exclusion and i just didn't want my children there anymore. I spoke to ds old preschool and they were great and agreed to take him back. The LEA then had to decide whether or not to back year him. I then checked out the local schools to find an alternative.

The first school i went to was is the one I chose. I arranged to see the Head, the SENCo and the head of foundation and was really honest with them. they were great, really supportive and positive. The Head fully supported the idea that he should be backyeared (he had spent only 5 weeks in the classroom) and he started there from reception the following september. He was given a statement in the May before he started his new school which was great as it meant he started with 1:1 support.

Sorry i know I'm rambling and you are probably too stressed right now to see a way through this but I wanted to reassure you that things can and do get better - lots better. Ds is doing so well that he is going to skip year 2 and go into his natural year 3 in sept.

Find a new school, get your ds out asap and then complain - make sure you copy the letter to your MP.

You would be amazed (and horrified) at how little schools seem to know about Apergers MI. My DSs teachers have had no knowledge of it until the excellent one he has at the moment in year 3. They really have not had a clue as to what it is or how to help a child who has it. (Ane I live in the same area as well.)

I've just spoken to the LOVELIEST woman from the National Autistic Society! She was just fantastic. She told me his IEP was totally wrong, that it breached the code of practise and best of all totally agreed it was unreasonable and extremely hurtful to say of a small for his age, bookish FIVE year old, that he was 'very violent'.
I love her!

Oh, fantastic. You need people like her onside.