Please help me to help my ds.. I don't know what's wrong!

[essbee]

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Tallulah, I love your description "polite to adults in an almost 18th century way!"...this is what I meant by when I previously said here that my ds is "almost old fashioned polite (he will shake a man's hand, and he used to kiss the back of a woman's hand)". You just expressed it better than me.

I must say that I thought it was only my ds, and something peculiar to him - every one finds it very endearing, they love it.

I don't have enough experience to say that it is or isn't ADHD or AS, but as you have said - it does ring bells. He should definitely see a consultant who will take a look and see the behaviour for whatever it is.

Good luck Essbee - once you have seen someone who can help you and your ds, you will both begin to feel better I am sure...at least you will know what you are dealing with. Please let us know how you get on. xxxx

thinking about this again - there is a difference between for example what you describe about your son, tallulah, and how I see my sons. They might lack concentration or ignore me at times, they might be downright naughty and defiant, but they have very good social skills, get on well with each other and fit in easily with groups of children. They make friends and keep friends no probs - always have.

Also, one reason why the SENCO said my oldest son was certainly not special needs was because he really wanted to please others underneath and responded well to praise.

I don't know if you are still reading this essbee, but hope the recent messages have helped you decide what to do.

Essbee, sorry to read your post darloing. I don't have anything different to add I can only echo the others in that you are a wonderful person and doing a great job under some difficult circumstances. Feel useless and don't know what else to add.

Tigermoth- just a small point - but the stuff your SENCO said is bollards (not saying your son is SN- just saying that her reasons for your son not being SN are bollards). DS1 has always liked to please others (more so than ds2) and has always responded well to social praise. Social praise is one of the biggest reinforcers we use in his ABA programme. Just in case someone is reading this and wondering about ther child. In fact one of the reasons we were told that ds1 wasnt autistic was because he wanted to please- but obviously that was not a reason to not dx him.

Essbee - I haven't seen your DS enough to comment on any of his behaviour, however I've personally found this thread incredibly helpful as we've seen some of the behaviours described here in our son, who is 5 in Dec and at times worried about him.

I CAN agree with all the other posts however in saying your MUST NOT blame yourself or think of yourself as having failed him.... that's rubbish - think about everything you have done in the past months to look after him/ protect him. The very fact that you are concerned about his behaviour shows what an EXCELLENT mum you are, so be clear about that.

I have no experience of SENCOs etc, but can't help feeling that a chat would be useful. However I do also worry about 'labelling' children too soon - he may be still within normal behaviour spectrum, but as Soupy has highlighted he HAS had an awful lot to cope with in his short life.

Hope you get some useful advice from the school and here.. Big Hugs, Mo2 xxxx

Essbee - just read through this and am really feeling for you. Lots of the posts here ring bells with me too; after years of prevaricating we have now made the decision to seek a formal assessment for ds1 through the GP.

I just wanted to say I'm sure you're doing a fab job. My dh has recently told me that he's having two months' sabbatical next year, and will be away most weekends, and some other midweek times too. Quite honestly I am freaking out at the prospect of having them both on my own 'such a lot' (for me). I don't know how you cope honey.

Roisin

jimjams, so someone told you your ds 1 wasn't autistic was because he wanted to please others? I can see why you'd think that was a load of bollards ...

I remember our school SENCO definitely saying that my son wanting to please enabled them to work out behaviour strategies more easily. It must make their lives, much easier, anyway. They really homed in on this aspect in the conversation about my son not needing be be on their special needs register.

I suppose the school would have far more problems coping with my son if he had had no desire to please the teacher - so logically less likely they would have taken him off their special needs register, I guess?

Essbee, I don't know you or your DS at all but you are clearly a very loving mum who is doing everything possible to help your DS. I hope the other posts here have boosted your confidence and morale! Just from an outsider's point of view, it would seem to me that it doesn't really matter about putting a label on your DS's behaviour, moreover that you would like some advice on how to deal with his behaviour more effectively? If so, do speak to SENCO or ed. psych at DS's school - those who work at my school are excellent at pinpointing what is wrong and more importantly offering strategies, albeit for staff rather than parents. Can't speak for all schools though. If this doesn't help, is your GP sympathetic / effective? I hope you get what you need soon.

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essbee..good luck we have had additional help with my stepson since he was 6 years old and he had problems at primary school with aggresive behaviour/refusal to do things/tantrums etc etc..and he is at senior school now and we still have help with his special needs. I hope the dr,s goes well we try writing our thoughts down before we meet with gp/special needs etc as we tend to forget things which we regret afterwards. And your x sounds like a prat...just what you needed instead of support. You sound like you are doing everything to help your ds....hope things get better soon.

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Dream on...my dh pays x 140.00 a month for one child and that is not for food etc..also buys clothes etc and anything additional. Could he live on 100.00- amonth I dont think so.

Essbee - if you are looking for a referral on to a further professional for some assessment and advice, then notes of lots of examples of your concerns would be helpful, to make sure they take you seriously. Janh's post would be a good start.

Please also consider what/how much you want to discuss with ds present, or whether part of the process should be a separate appointment with the GP whilst ds is at school.

Personally I couldn't begin to discuss ds1 in his hearing, as I would be concerned what effect that would have on his self-esteem. I'd be happy for him to discuss some of his difficulties with the GP, but I couldn't speak to the GP as frankly as I post on here for example in ds's presence.

Hope it goes well for you tomorrow.

essbee - sounds like getting further assessment is a very good idea. Lots of bells ringing for me with our 6yo AS boy too, but you and your ds have certainly been through a lot. How aware are your GP and HV of you as a family? Are you being offered any extra support for yourself, like counselling or CPN support, or help with childcare? Don't be afraid to ask!
Good luck!

And I love the concept of 18th century manners - my ds1 has them too (sadly not always)

essbee, I hope the doctors appointment leads to more support for you, and not a 'come back in 6 months' answer.

I think roisin has a good point about how it could be a good idea to leave your son behind, as it could inhibit you talking about him if he is within earshot. But on the other hand as you've pointed out, it could be easier for the doctor to understand what you are saying if your son is there with you. Any good phoning the doctor in advance to ask them what they think would be best? Or possibly consider making 2 appointments - one just you and the doctor and one with your son also?

I don't know if this is a possiblity, but when the nursery had concerns about my youngest son ( he was 3 years old at the time), the health visitor arranged to come round to our house, did some tests with ds then deliberately stayed and chatted to me for an hour, just observing how ds behaved over that time.

Good luck anyway with whatever you decide.

Essbee, you can be a silly ar$e sometimes of COURSE it's not your fault and YOU HAVEN'T failed your DS.

Good luck for the appointment. I'll be on the end of my mobile all day I think.

WRT taking him to the appointment or not - I'd take him. I think he's at an age where him hearing what you have to say won't embarrass him and I don't think it will hurt him to hear how worried you are about him IYSWIM. If there's anything that needs to be said privately, you can arrange this for another day.

Essbee's secretary here!

She's been to the gp today (and is now supposedly working!) with her ds. They had a chat about him but couldn't say too much because he was in the room with them. While they were there he ignored the gp and tried to dismantle her desk so the gp saw his behaviour and could agree there was a problem. She took essbee seriously and agreed that something needs to be done, which makes a change to the royal brush-off! She's going to ring essbee on Friday to discuss it further (without ds listening) and perhaps refer her ds to a specialist. So at least someone's taking it seriously and trying to help - good news!

Essbee says she feels like s**t having to do it all though - but a bit of good news, she's been given 2 months worth of ad's instead of 4 weeks because the gp thinks she's coping ok with them.

Good news! I'm sure if anyone can turn this round, you can. I met your dd once and I have to say, though I didn't say so at the time, I was stunned at how lovely and staggeringly well-behaved she was. You can't be doing anything wrong.

Thanks for posting the update wobblyknicks! I just logged on to see if there was any news from essbee - sounds like the initial consultation went well.

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Hi, essbee - I'm glad it was such a constructive visit (apart from dr's desk ) and that it sounds as if something will come of it. Fingers crossed for a swift referral by your GP.

AND YOU HAVEN'T FAILED HIM!!!!

I don't normally post on this thread as I don't have the knowledge to help. But I just want to say I'm so pleased the doctor took you seriously and may be able to help, and to reiterate what others have said, OF COURSE IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!