ASD? Son being unkind to classmates

[MrsJoyOdell]

I'm not really sure how best to tackle this. My DS (6) has been 'pushing' a classmate at school, both in class and at an after school club (on site). I've spoken to DS (who we suspect has ASD but isn't diagnosed as yet) and he says he did this because 'other people were.' I've reiterated that it's made the other child feel sad, and he really didn't seem to understand this. The other child wouldn't play with him today, as expected, and DS cried at this to me and when I explained that the other child probably doesn't want to play as he's scared he'll be hurt, DS said 'of course I wouldn't hurt him!' But he has! If not physically then definitely emotionally.

I'm going to speak to school in the morning - but what do I ask them to do? I removed all tech from DS today and he won't be having treats if he behaves this way again, but surely my impact is limited here as I'm acting well after the event and the cause and effect aren't linking in DS' mind too well.

Punishment like that would be quite effective for my DS - he's 7 with. ASD. With my DS it wouldn't matter that I'd acted after the event as the consequence would stick in his mind next time he considered doing it. I also remind him about expected behaviour before school. Could you get someone at the school to remind him before playtime or do a social story with him. Could you set up a reward system so each day he is good he gets a token towarda a treat he'd love.

It's tricky if he feels he was just doing what others were doing - it may be he's missing the nuances of social interactions (at that age my DS, ASD, would often do this) - so kids might be 'playfighting' but he struggled to tell the different between what was considered 'playing' and what was considering being too rough.
He'd then get into trouble but in his mind he'd been doing nothing that other kids who didn't get into trouble were doing.

He can also get himself into a pattern of behaviour (like pushing), like 'ah here's x, this is what I usually do when I see x', so it's helpful now when school recognise this quickly, intervene and redirect when this happens (often it's children he likes, but he just needs a bit of guidance in how to show he likes them appropriately).

I'd also recommend social stories.

Punishment at home never worked for us as DS didn't connect the two - plus I would have been punishing him for something he didn't fully understand - he didn't go round deliberating hurting. He often couldn't understand why other children were getting upset.

He's 8 now and his social understanding is definitely growing (he's still significantly behind his peers emotionally, but compared to a few years ago he's come such a long way).

Fully agree with all Marshmallow says