Wits end...... please help me with DD's toileting problems

[samcroreaper]

Hi all, lucky for some advice from people who've had a similar situation please as I've tried everything I can think of & nothing has worked.

DD is almost 4 with ASD (HF) she has been in pants for over a year & is dry through the night. But she never tells me she needs the toilet so I can't honestly say that she is 'trained' iyswim.

She isn't a really big drinker so only actually wees about 3 times a day, been like that since she was a baby.

She always goes to the toilet for a wee when she gets up on a morning, after lunch & before her bath but every time I mention having a wee or ask if she needs one it's under protest with lots of foot stamping shouting crying etc.

If I just left her & didn't take her at those 3 times she would just wait & wee herself. She's so bright with other things, understands everything about it & where it has to go so I can't understand it. I don't know if she doesn't get the feeling that she needs to go? This has been going on for a year now & I'm exhausted with it. She'll be staring school in September & I'm so worried about it.

We've tried everything, reward charts, bribery, toilet toys, getting her to help with cleaning up accidents but nothing has worked.

Pooing is a whole other issue too, she just starts it & we run to sit her on the toilet to finish but she did suffer terribly with constipation from around 12 months, she now has movicol for that.

I just don't know what to do next, saw our health visitor recently & she just suggested reward chart which we've already done to death.

Can anybody help, how did you eventually get your DC's trained & what age were they when it finally clicked??

Exactly Polter, if I had a pound for every time I've heard 'she'll do it when she's ready' HV, GP, preschool only ever say try a reward chart & its totally pointless!!

Will look into core strength, I hadn't heard that before, thank you

DS1 was very similar - drinks little fluids, constipation issues, rare visitor to the toilet. He's 11 now. The worst of it was when he was 4-7 - as his constipation was really constant and that will cause wee accidents, as it presses on the bladder and he also was losing sensation of when he needed to go as everything gets a bit stretched. He was on Movicol, plus 2 others but in the end we started giving him a smoothie every day instead which seemed more effective than all the prescribed medicines! Not recommended that, just sharing what worked for DS1.

He still gets bouts of constipation now and then but he hasn't had any soiling for 3+ years, and I don't even think about his toiletting any more. It's something that has just gradually become less of a thing over time since the constipation problems improved. Getting him to flush the toilet after he's been is still a work in progress!

Getting more fluids in will help but I know how tricky that can be. We did get referred to a specialist nurse and she was very helpful, if only to have someone to talk to who understood. She was also prepared to get involved with school if we needed her support. I can't remember where we got the referral from - possibly the paediatrician or HV?

ds was almost 5 when toilet trained for weeing and a few months after he was 5 was the first time he said he needed to go and he's pretty good at that now though he will only feel the sensation at the last minute so we make him go (with all the wailing that entails!) before going places where toilet access might be an issue.

I don't see anything wrong with just taking her as routine. And if she still has the problems at school then they will need to take her at a routine time.

Dd is NT (possibly has mild sensory issues) and was wetting until she was at Primary, and possibly a bit after that. Also had constipation at school due to holding on too long, treated with movicol.

Trained very quickly at 2.5 years, dry in the night etc. I worked out eventually it was about control and needing attention [both those things] She of course didn't know this, it was subconscious. We saw a potty training nurse through the GP and talked it through with her, checked for urinary infection, and magically it cleared up in all but a few accidents. Before that, we used to get the sitting on sofa wetting herself situations which drive you insane when the loo is nearby but they just cannot seem to admit they need to go. I think she liked the idea that she was in control and used to hold on so long that she then lost the sensation until it was too late.

No problems at all by Year 1, and really not many in Reception. I gave her a lot of attention generally, lots of babying, carrying her, cuddling her instead of asking her to be independent all the time, I think that helped. When they are bright and sparky you assume they are more grown up emotionally than they are.

Ds2 has HFA and was nothing like the trouble pre-school with toileting, until he hit school and then it was much more difficult with him...

Also, don't worry too much about Reception, there are lots of children still having accidents, and the teachers should be encouraging them to go when they need to, rather than when it is "scheduled". If necessary, you can remind them of this nearer the time. Anyway, Sept is a LONG way off in a 3 year old's life.

The footstamping and shouting when asked to go, is very familiar to me from my NT 3 year old daughter. My advice would be, please do not stress, she is only 3 still...there is a long way to go before you need to expect continence. I used to carry spare clothes for my kids until they were about 8 I think!!! tights and trousers and spare pants were always at the ready wherever I went. It is normal to have accidents at that age, just no-one mentions it and the accidents go on until they are in middle primary, I can assure you, even if it just twice a year, so much better to stop worrying and take the pressure out of the situation; I should think that is contributing to her desire to resist you and not do as you ask. Children are not fools, the more you ask them to do something the more important they perceive the issue, the more value they attach to resisting and being in control, rightly or wrongly.

One of the things I used to do later on, when I worked this out was not to have a particular fixation on a nice dress or pair of trousers being "spoiled" by an accident, just to make all dresses and trousers equally nice (or boring as the case may be). Don't iron her clothes either, it will reduce your stress levels when the laundry is less of an issue

And finally, as I learnt to my cost, ( delayed a flight due to dd suddenly announcing she had to pee during takeoff and me being so hyper alert that I insisted she had to go to the toilet when the seat sign had been switched on - cue pilot haranguing me) let her get used to wearing pullups on very important occasions. Better that than the fallout if she does wet herself. As a parent you can get so obsessed by the whole business it becomes ridiculous the lengths you will go to to respond to cues...

Reward charts were not useful to either child in my house. Prompting and encouragement and calm were.