Death and no understanding

[shazzarooney99]

My mum died 2 days ago, and my son keeps saying to me "mum think about the people that are living! not the dead ones!" and then i put my mums favourite song on and he kept shouting turn it off, turn it off i dont like it.

He just has no bloody idea what i am going through! which is probably good in a way, just makes me feel bloody worst!

He is probably trying in his own way to stop you feeling sad!

He will be very sad too but may not have the language or the emotional understanding to be able to express it!

So sorry that you lost your mum

Sorry for your loss shazz . I lost my dad 2 years ago and it is a very difficult time for all concerned. My DS wanted answers about what happens to the body etc , I just simply said " mummy is to sad to think about that now, I will answer when I can". You have to understand your dS is struggling too. He is answering in a way to offer you comfort, which at the time is hard to take from anyone. My DS went round the house and removed pics of my dad so I wouldn't be sad, he'd observed me crying when looking at one! I was grieving and it annoyed me, but I could see his black and white thinking - no pics = no crying = mum will be happy! Give yourself some time out, and look after yourself. .

Sorry for your loss

My mum died last summer. Whilst mum was on her deathbed DS1 went on and on (loudly, in my mum's garden where the neighbours could hear) about how unfair it was that he was missing a school trip to Chessington's whilst DS2 explained that 'she' (that's me btw) wanted to stay with 'her' (mum) until she died. The lack of sensitivity felt like lack of caring to me (even though I knew they can't help it) because I was imaging them talking about me like that and contrasting it to my grief. I had to walk away if I felt I couldn't bite my tongue.

You do matter and sometimes you will have to put yourself first. Your son may be trying to recreate the security of mum always self-sacrificing - even NT DC struggle with seeing mum as a real person with feelings and can seem very selfish at times. Look after yourself.

I am sorry about your loss. How old is he?

I've just seen two NT young children, aged 5 and 7 lose their mother. None of us thought they knew what was going on at the funeral service at the church; not until we gathered round her open coffin at the crematorium. Two months later, they apparently act as if nothing has happened, except one of them drew her mother in the coffin at school. (I have no doubt they will suffer the effects of losing their mother at such a young age, say in their teens, when they wish they had their mother to talk to about boyfriends, periods, etc.)

IMO, children think in a more concrete way, and do not understand death in the way we do. It might be a case of here today, gone (to heaven) tomorrow and that's it? I would not take it as a lack of caring; just the limitations of their concrete thinking?