DS2 refusing to let us talk

[spiky54]

This has been going on for a couple of years but has got much worse recently. If DH and I are talking to each other, DS2 (12, ASD and SLD) shouts 'talking talking talking' ( by which he means 'no talking'). If we continue he either just shouts louder or gets very agitated, hitting his head and biting his hands. He doesnt do it all the time in the house but nearly every time we travel in the car. I am at a loss to know if it's sensory ( he doesnt do it all the time) or attention seeking ( it gets better if I interact with him ) or simply that his lack of ability to process speech ( he is very language delayed) makes talking sound like blabber.

We've tried various approaches - just carrying on, including him in the conversation , telling him to stop shouting, but most of the time in the car now we just don't talk! ( not only is the shouting very distracting for the person driving but he also starts walloping the person sitting next to him ( usually DS1) if we don't stop.

Just not sure how firm we should be? Any experiences welcome!

It sounds like a sensory thing to me but also it could be that with the background noise of the car he cant understand what you are saying and that might make him anxious!

Have you tried ear defendersnin the car or a music player with headphones?

My DP and I have rarely been able to have a conversation when our Asd children are around, we usually wait until they are in bed! I think its quite common for children with Asd to control adults conversations!

Yes tried ear defenders and headphones with music - latter worked for a while but he's posted his MP3 player somewhere and we can't find it..

Do think it's probably a control issue as he does it out of the car too - in fact he's doing it right now!

It probably is to do with control as well. The children with Asd that I know are all controlling, they are much worse when the are anxious or in sensory overload.

Oh my goodness, I didn't realise this was really common. Our son (who is 5 & has ASD) is just the same. I think with him it's a mixture of disliking the noise (seems to tolerate it up to a point if we only talk briefly or if we're talking quietly), wanting to be in control of his environment, and also that he finds it hard to filter us out - if he's trying to concentrate on something else he gets much crosser. He's definitely much more controlling the higher his anxiety is, so like someone else said, maybe being in the car is already stressful for your son meaning he can't take the talking as well. Our son also objects to any other unauthorised noises, like tapping your foot, humming, singing etc.

I wouldn't rule out sensory just because he doesn't do it all the time. I spoke to the OT about the lack of consistency and she pointed out everyone has good days and bad, sensitive days and not so sensitive and that's the same for children with Special needs as much as it is for anyone else.

Agree with all these comments and think the cause may be a mixture of different things that change with the day. We went to the seaside this afternoon - on the way there I sat in the front and he wouldn't let DH and I talk at all - literally not one sentence. On the way back I sat with him and gave him my full attention - he let DH and DS1 talk in the front with only a few half hearted grumbles as we got nearer to home.
I think if I did this all the time there wouldn't be a problem. But sometimes I need to talk to other people! So I guess my next question is - what do you all do about it? Just let it go, work round it, or try to change the behaviour?

We usually stop talking. We do generally ask him to ask us in a proper words/longer sentence/quiet voice etc first and say that he doesn't need to shout (but he never remembers this, although he often does repeat in a quiet voice when we ask, so hopefully at some point he'll start to use quiet voice first then escalate if necessary!).

If we are talking about something important, we'll let him know we will be finished soon (but in that case we do try to be quick). Often if we wait for a bit we can talk again as long as we use quieter voices/don't laugh etc.

I do really hate it when it happens in the car - it's very dangerous to have him suddenly shriek or shout and it's normally because I've started humming without realising it.

Not sure what the answer is - I think when he's a bit bigger we can use the tips about identifying emotions and rating them and the appropriate responses for different levels. He doesn't have the concept of nuanced response and building up yet - he goes from seemingly fine to objecting at the top of his voice.