Cultivating friendships

[Knickersinatwist36]

Ok that sounds much more advanced than I mean but I want DD2 (ASD, 5YO) to be able to (eventually) happily integrate with other children.

After yet another holiday play date (3rd in 4 weeks) where the end result is my DD2 being ostrasized because she hurt children again and her getting really upset and explaining in her own special way that she finds it really difficult to control her body when she is excited (or any other strong emotion) and ends up hitting or kicking a child without meaning to.

DD1 is cross and embarrassed and I end up apologising yet again for behaviour (not that I think she can really help it but I am sad she has hurt a 4 year old).

Is there a book on this? She does want to join in but finds it so hard but I can't not do play dates because DD1 wants to see her friends.
Thoughts or experiences would be most welcome!

I agree start small and build up.

DS always wants play dates - but in fact what he really wants is people to play minecraft with him!
So we started with 20 minutes of guests choice and then I'd ask them to play his game (MC) for remainder. I don't think it hurts other children to know DS is only playing their games so they'll play his! It's part of compromise which all childre have to learn.

I also found meeting in outdoors places helped too. Park, woods, beach, country park etc. that way DS had space and I had somewhere I could distract him to (toilet, van for drink etc) when I felt he needed time out or a chat.

The biggest thing I found helpful was to remind children that DS is perfectly within his rights to build his own sandcastle, twig fort, den etc. I used this as a basis to teach DS that he was best off doing something physical alone for short periods. (Great for him sensory wise).

Today he spent 3 hours in soft play with friends. (Nice open, largish one near me). 3 hours ok he wouldn't eat the whole time and has been very anxious since but I never thought a year ago he'd manage that. One of the boys is quite physical (in a rough way,never malicious) he found it hilarious that he discovered DS has ticklish feet. I reminded him that if DS said to stop he needed to as DS suddenly has too much touch and reacts back physically. (The kids sister has ASD so understands). My friend, his mum, backs me up on the importance of this. Makes so much difference.

Sorry got waffle there but I think because I know how it feels I want to help, support and reassure a little too much

This is a good book, although not given it to ds yet.

I agree that if dd2 struggles its important for dd1 to have some time just with her friends. Then maybe get them all together for something physical so dd2 can get her energy out eg obstacle race?

Thank you
(Also been off line or would have thanked earlier)
So I have tried lots of your suggestions and mostly taken the pressure off if I can. 2 play dates since and I told her she could have the iPad if it wasn't working out (knew I would be judged but if it works for us I no longer care).

Thought she would be on it from the first minute, but she wasn't. She played by herself near the others and only came to get it when she felt she needed it.

I got the friendship book and I think it is very useful and have tried to remind her about some of the situations (although her response to one reminder was 'I don't trust that book' ). She just doesn't want to be out of her comfort zone I guess.
I did have a moment (not perhaps an appropriate moment to have it) when she was having her daily melt down and my in laws (who haven't seen her for five months) tried to get her out if it. I realised that I have much better strategies than I did even a few months ago (I used to do what they did today) and my way -sometimes- works better. (Although MiL said 'oh this is just a normal development phase for that age'
Anyway going to have her melatonin and cuddles now and give her some rest. Thanks for all the help and keeping me sane!