Meltdowns and constant control.. Help please

[davyatsea]

Help.. I don't know where to start here. Picked up ds from school Fri with his Nana, who had come over for weekend. Ds was in lovely mood. After picking up his younger sister from nursery, ds went downhill rapidly. Had massive meltdown, body completely out of control and almost knocked TV off cabinet due to his rage. I had to take dd out in rain for her safety while dw and nana calmed him down. On sat afternoon, dw took dd to speech therapy and ds constantly asked when his mum was coming home despite me and his nana being there. Sat night and dd was in bed. Nana offered to babysit so me and dw could go out for the evening. She asked ds if it was okay for us to go out, but he refused. We ended up missing out on some desperately needed time together. Part of me is cross with his behaviour and control, but the greater part of is increasing concern as to his wellbeing. I just could do with some advice on all this. Ds is dx high functioning ASD.

What extra support, if any, does he receive at school?. Is he on a EHCP or does he have a statement?. If not, I would apply personally and now for an EHCP from your LEA. IPSEA's website is helpful in this regard.

It may well be that school are falling woefully short in meeting his needs; some children do meltdown after school because they are bottling up all the frustrations of the school day.

Biggest problem with school is that he is masking the ASD. He is doing really well at school, so they don't really want to know. Even a private counsellor couldn't work with ds as he refused to engage with her. Having said that, lady from SISS attended school and observed ds in classroom. She commented on what an intelligent young lad he was. There is talk of some ISP support in the autumn term along with some anxiety management. Dw has also had visit from same SISS lady, but after this weekend, both dw and I are lost for words. Dw self esteem is rock bottom as she just feels like a punchbag for ds every time he loses control.

The visit from nana was long planned and he was fully aware. He came out of school in lovely mood and even asked to pick up his little sister early from nursery. His mood only changed when he was at home, watching tv (winding down) and then started to wind up his sister who was playing nicely with nana.

Also, to add to the mix, he asked to go to park yesterday, rode his bike to park, dd also on her scooter. Dw took her mum in car as they had errands to do before joining kids in park. Coming home, ds insisted on placing bike in car and go home in car. whilst dd was happy to scooter home. The time and hassle to get bike in car took longer than the time it would have taken to ride bike home. Neither dw or nana had strength to insist that he rode home, despite their struggle with the bike. In the park, ds was clearly lacking energy for most of the time he was there.

Ds was 10 year old in January. SISS a specialist inclusion support service based in Solihull. As for approaches, dw and I do not know what to do next. We don't know how much to accept as part of ASD and what we should expect of him. Only advice we have been given so far is to provide safe haven for him, which he has. If we let him, he would spend all weekend, every weekend in his room only coming out for food and toilet. Going out is a battle often with intense negotiations and can often involve an onslaught of foul and abusive language, and winding up his younger sister.

Bizarrely, dd is actually dx PDA, and the PDA strategies generally work work with her. She can generally be cajoled. With both kids, we try to minimise demands in them despite the constant barrage of demands from them. Kids will be kids, but we both find ds very intense and moody. As for the sat evening incident, ds could not give a reason why dw and I couldn't go out as a couple, and I was shocked that he could be so influential on his mum. Interestingly enough, Nana did not try to reassure ds that he would be safe in her care, perhaps after the meltdown she witnessed on Fri.

Does anyone have any ethology on the Saturday night issue?

Ideas about sat evening even....?

davyatsea,

re your comment:-

"Biggest problem with school is that he is masking the ASD. He is doing really well at school, so they don't really want to know"

The second sentence is something I have seen on here many times over the years. School are really failing him here.

"There is talk of some ISP support in the autumn term along with some anxiety management"
It wont happen readily if at all, its just talk and no action currently from them. This is also too little and he needs more support at school now. His needs there are clearly not being met.

I would still apply for a EHCP because he will need support the further he progresses through the school system. Junior school in particular can be very unforgiving anyway and you also need to think longer term i.e. secondary school.

This gets better and better. Apparently during the school morning routine, ds swore at dw and hit her as well. This often happens two or three times a week during the morning routine. He is addicted to iPad both at bedtime and during the morning routine. He is very slow with breakfast, and with getting dressed. We have got family support worker coming soon to discuss issues.

Oh Davy - your posts seem very familiar. Our dd has just turned 10 and is high functioning ASD. I suspect PDA, but here they don't diagnose further than ASD.
SO, a little ray of hope for you. I hardly dare type this as I don't want to tempt fate, but…..
All of your posts above - we have been right there.
We have recently had an intervention/behaviour worker working with us and she has been a HUGE help. We have tackled night time routine (no violence now), and are in week 3 of tackling morning routine now with only 1 meltdown so far. Honestly, the difference is such a relief. There has been a few daytime violent outburst, but nowhere near as many as before.

Please, keep nagging until you get a "challenging behaviour" worker.
Good luck, and big hug to your dw.