Do you think this is unreasonable from DS' teacher?

[earthtomummy]

Got called in to see teacher today. DS is 5.5 and in Year 1 and has AS. I tried telling her at thew start of term that Ds was deeply stressed re. school, refusing to go in the morning etc. She said she couldn't believe it given how well he's doing once there. I told her that his behaviour might break down as he gets increasingly tired and unable to contain it at school. (We've had a fair amount of 'fall out' at home). Today DS pulled someone's glasses off his face and trod and jumped on them. Teacher said he's been v. unpleasant this wk. to his classmates and was difficult to manage. She looked really fed up. Then walked off, leaving me with the other boy's dad.
Anyway, spoke to DH and this pm at pick up I asked his teacher for a meeting. She said'with regard to what'? as if I was some crazed parent. I said with regard to this morning. She said well, he's been great this afternoon. So I said well I think we need to discuss it. Anyway she's not got time at the mo. because they are due to move to a new school building in 4 weeks and she's v. busy and is dep. head..
Do you think it is unreasonable to tell me my DS has been unpleasant and diff. to handle but then to refuse to meet me and say everything's fine?

Twig- I'm afraid we've become a bit battle embitterd (well, me anyway). what perople don't get is that the stuff you see on MN is a percentage of it.

Someone told me yesterday that SN kids are equal in our society because there is adequate provision. he was an ex teacher and is now a professor who contributes to the B Ed degree. That scares the life from me!

I know I over react, I have been known to really fly at poeple who catch me with silly concersns (Sam's carnival costume is a bit muddy etc) just after meltdowns, really fly. But what people culd probably help me by is understanding that there is a huge buried stress amount that underlies that, and of course that I am most definitely still going through the mourning provcess since Sam's DX.

That's how it applies to me, I suggest it may be applicable to others?

Interestingly, the person I last flew at commented on how similar my reactiojn was to her DH's recently, who has lost his Dad. I went on a bereavement site and can work out exactly where I am in the process from there. i think people- school especially- expect me to be OK so here we have DX, now we... when Actually, there's far mroe going on than that.

yes I totally understand Peachy

and FWIW I've long held the belief that the 5 stages of grief associated with bereavement are also completely relevant to diagnosis of a chronic illness of a loved one (in my case) .. and I assume also of a diagnosis of SN

Hi. Well, I didn't expect my original post to get so many sparks flying.FWIW I think that the teacher was unprofessional leaving me with the OP simply because she didn't know what his reaction would be (and I happen to know he's a bit verbally aggressive at times). Also she cont'd having a brief chat to me about my DS infront of him which is inappropriate. I don't think that a snatched 2 min conversation is any way to handle what is happening here and once she'd had a good a'noon she didn't want to discuss it at all. There is no room for reflection and thinking about why this is going on and why DS is behaving like this. He is consistently telling me that he finds the work at school tricky, that he doesn't understand the games etc. He is missing having time for his free play which is when he just goes into his little imaginary world and retreats for a while. I feel utterly frustrated because i sat with his teacher for 30 mins at the beg. of term to explain that although he seems fine and appears to be coping, he is actually finding it a struggle. she has made no efforts (as far as I'm aware) to cut him some slack in terms of lessons and work or to accommodate his needs. I truly think she thinks we are making it all up. she assured me that if DS' behaviour broke down she'd not just cast him in the role of 'naughty boy' but she is. I was so upset to have my son referred to as unpleasant. Teachers sometimes think it is ok to bandy words around with seemingly little thought as to how it might come accross. I do accept that DS can be naughty and unkind, just like lots of other kids. I am happy for her to deal with that. However, what is going on at the mo. is down to his stress levels and soc. comm. diffs and the way she is handling it is exacerbating the situation. Apparewntly she told him off in front of his class, who were watching, abnd DS lost it and tried to run off and called the class names..At home, when DS is like this we place him in a kind of quiet chill out zone where he can just be. He was telling me last night that school is too noisy etc.
I think the OP has a right to be concerned - I would be in his shoes. But telling DS off and dealing with it in this manner is not going to resolve it in any way. I saw the SENCO this am as she takes DS class this morning and we're hopefully going to have an IEP review in early Nov. I just feel v. sad for DS because his behaviour is alienating him from his peers (who kept running up to tell me what he'd done y'day). He has a best friend who school are trying to separate him from a little and I am sure his parents are keen now to discourage their son from playing with our son quite as much because I sense they think that our DS is leading him astray. Sorry to go on. I shall go and cook lunch and eat some cake instead!

ETM

Hi I feel for you I really do.

Many children who have AS have a very difficult time in school (he is struggling both academically and emotionally, many such children hold in their frustrations till the end of the day therefore the parent gets the fallout from it).

I would still urge you to write to the LEA (you can do this as the parent) asap and ask for your son to be assessed. Am sorry to go on about this but this is the only way he will get any quantified support. A Statement is a legally binding document, an IEP is not. If he is experiencing difficulties now there is still the Juniors and secondary school to get through and how will he manage then?. He needs proper support now and frankly school is falling short here.

Someone else said that IEP's are not worth the paper they are written on. This is certainly the case with poorly worded and poorly executed IEP's. If your son's school is showing a slapdash approach to such things (as seems to have been the case in the past havign seen previous threads of yours) then I would think that nothing much will alter re your son's emotional difficulties in class even if they do an IEP in November.

You must act because no-one else will do it for you. You are your son's best - and only - advocate.

Blimey yes, bloody unprofessional from the teacher, even if the child was NT, tbh. Walking away from a parent and leaving her to deal with another parent who might be angry and completely ignorant about the circumstances of the incident, after having described her child (or his behaviour) as unpleasant, would always be unprofessional and unreasonable, whatever the incidents, whoever the children, imo. What the hell guidelines is she following, I wonder?

I wonder, too. Asked the Senco this am for IEP date. She said she'd talk to DS' class teacher today who, at pick up, avoided all eye contact and made no attempt to talk to me - either to tell me how DS' day had been i the light of y'day or to give me an IEP date. Feel really angry that 1) they seem to be ignoring / avoiding me 2) they seem professionally incompetent in my eyes - how hard is it to fix a mtg. -we even agreed that waiting till early Nov would do due to the school moving sites 3)that I simply feel unable to walk up to DS' teacher and ask her any of the above. I do not feel like parental input / partnership / interest is welcomed. She is the 'professional' who knows best in a v. old fashioned style of working and parents views are nither sought or welcomed. She clearly giveds out the message, I'm busy, tired so please go home. Attila thanks for your messages re. statements. It is something I'll research - I know you have said this several times before. You must be shouting down your PC to me!! I feel v. powerless.

ETM

Have seen this sort of scenario many times where schools are just not interested for all manner of reasons and parents thus feel powerless. But you have more power than you think!.

Nah, not shouting at the PC. I want to help and knowledge after all is power!.

Please do research the statementing angle of things - I only say this and have pressed the point as I think it will do your DS a power of good.

On a wider level have you thought about changing schools?. This one seems to not be beneficial at all to him or you as his Mum. They are failing both his academic and social needs currently and on that level I feel for you both.