Parents complaining about my son

[AnonyMust]

So upsetting.

My son is doing so well. He'll be assessed (for ASD) within a week - after four years of wondering/ a journey of puzzlement.
Parents have, despite his efforts and improvements, decided that they don't want him to be near their children. They gossip about him and have today (one parent) complained about him as they have to put up with him in their child's class and NOW... he's at camp. The leader told me the gist of their complaints - things that he didn't remember doing and that hadn't been seen. The parents are furious and the leader is just apologising and saying he's there and can be in a different group but ... NOT TELLING THEM TO BACK PFF (despite telling ME that the parents are vile and have it in for him despite his good behaviour.
What do I do?????

Gosh - hard one. I think that they can't exclude your son so don't worry about that aspect. I have never had this, I am very open about my ds to school and parents - way before they could see it - which most still don't see anyway.

Hope some one can give some advice - I'm not really experienced in this (yet!)

Thanks for listening though. Don't think I'd like to share outcome of assessment with parents anyway as it'd make no difference. They treat him as if he's contaminated. No play dates, telling teachers to keep their children away, goading their children to create stories (when the teachers and leaders TELL me that the parents are exaggerating and being revolting about him. ;(

This must be so upsetting
Could you find a different school where parents are more likely to be accepting and join there once you have the diagnosis which you can tell people?
When you get the diagnosis ask them which schools deal with ASD well in their experience?
Find out about the local support group and ask there?

The problem I'm having is with a parent from his class at scjo complaining about thjngs he supposedly did yesterday and the day before at summer camp but that the camp leader says he absolutely didn't do as she'd/ another leader wod be seen it. His school are fantastic. And I'm not willing to change his school because of crap parents. I did discuss this with his class teacher and CAHMS who said that'd be the last, worst and most unnecessary thing for me to do. It seems that once parents give a name to a child, they find anything and dig for anything to justify and vilify. Shocking and sad. I've been up all night (since 1am), upset about it.
I don't know what to do as camp leader is fab and told me to warn me of a particular parent's unnecessary nastiness towards my son by complaining about small things and things that he actually didn't do. I asked what she said and she said she'd told her that he'll be on different groups if the children work in small groups and told her to tell her daughters to tell her if anything happens as she's not seen it. So frustrating.

Have you spoken to the problem parent? Does she ever come to you about it? It might be worth having a 'friendly' chat with her. Does she know that you know what she is doing? Maybe ask her for specific details of what she thinks has gone on because hearing it secondhand may distort it. Not that I don't believe that such people exist just thinking of ways of calming it down a bit.

Sympathies. I wouldn't advise changing schools for this reason as you are likely to have the same problem at every school in my experience. We never really got the nasty comments related back to us but did get shunned when things got bad - I never knew whether it was out of nastiness, mother hen-ishness with respect to their loved ones (understandable I guess in our circumstance) or just finding it too embarrassing/awkward to comment. Whatever the reason it still was not pleasant.

What we did (actually not deliberately but fortunate in the circumstances) was to choose out-of-school activities at a bit of distance from school so their classmates did not attend. So we did the camp near my work rather than near the school. Cubs was a very small pack with an Akela whose son had had behavioural difficulties himself rather than the oversubscribed pack in our town. When things got really bad at school when they were in Year 4 and Year 5 then it meant they could still go and do their activities without the backlash. Certainly, ds2 continued to go and enjoy cubs long after he had socially withdrawn at school.

We now do tell instructors that the ds's are diagnosed AS and then go onto suggest approaches that might help e.g giving one-step instructions, warning them they don't like loud noises and may be distressed if they occur, letting them walk away (within reason) if they are getting upset to calm down. I did feel guilty about doing this in the pre-diagnosis phase but it does help.

School did an autism awareness scheme with their classmates which I think also helped a bit and certainly did no harm.

Same thing happened with DS (ADHD). He was scapegoated by some of the other children and the parents automatically assumed DS was to blame for several incidents around the neighbourhood, despite other children always being involved. DH and I actually witnessed in school another child saying DS was doing something naughty when we could actually see him not doing it!

Once a child gets the naughty label it seems everyone else's child becomes a little angel and you and your child singled out for blame.

It was constant through DSs childhood and I am very bitter about it now. I spent years apologising and disciplining DS even when I discovered it was always other children involved too. The parents were just not receptive to any explanations and frankly I just think they enjoyed how my 'naughty' child made their child and their parenting skills look so wonderful

No idea what you can do but just hope you find a way other than our very stressful years

No real answers other than (perhaps) to be as open as you can with the better sort of parents. FWIW, my dc's childminder had this when her ds was young. She has calmed me down on many occasions by reconting how much she enjoyed telling the offending parents how well her own ds was doing 'these days'.

She made a point of doing so every single time she saw the police bringing their more-socially-skilled-but-drunken teenagers home, and again whenever he got a job, and theirs didn't.

The obnoxious and over-entitled dc (all down to ar**y parents) couldn't fool grown-ups out in the real world, and had no experience of adversity so ended up running back to mummy for every little thing.

This has never happened to us, but I am prepared that it will at some point. I have already decided I am going to take a zero tolerance route. I would report adults behaving like this to the police as harassment on grounds of disability and report it to the council as antisocial behaviour. I can't guarantee either will have the desired impact but disability harassment is supposed to have a higher profile now. If it only achieves a visit from a community policeman and a warning then that would be a start. This kind of nastiness starts small but can escalate. It won't stop unless you put a stop to it. Your child has as much right to go out and about as any other child.

If the school and camp are not protecting him from bullying and harassment and antisocial behaviour then you can take it further.

How would the school or camp deal with racist abuse? Would the kids or parents be allowed to turn up each day and be abusive? This is no different.

Don't sit at home crying, report it.

this enquiry is difficult reading about disability harassment but shows where this kind of ignorance can lead.

Worse happened today. Daughters of said parent teased him for most of day then group of children innocently showed to wake him up (game of sleeping lions and he'd been doing well - was overwhelmed by sudden and unexpected noise and frustrated as had been doing well. He thought that they were purposely laughing at him and trying to get him to lose. He snapped.
Parent insisted on him apologising to her daughter in front of her for shouting at them and falling on them.
I'm mortified. Whole I don't want him to fall on people (or shit a girl's hand in door because 'she wasn't doing what I hold her to and was being annoying' (aaaaaaaaargh), I'm besides myself.
I asked camp leader only to allow him to apologise in front of her not parent as it's too intimidating for a six year old. Inappropriate.
His assessment is on Monday. Couldn't come soon enough.

Pink rose, that's exactly what's happening and I feel that IF my son is diagnosed with ASD, they still wouldn't give a flying fig. As far as they're concerned, he's naughty, to blame - always, their children are angels and their parenting is better. Moreover, whatever he has or hasn't gut, they don't want 'it' near their children. They'd use it to label him further and their children would tease him with the label. It's making me nervous about Monday (assessment) and getting a dx. Not gonna stop me doing what I hopes right for him though. So hard. Hard enough without their crap. .

I find trekking club leaders (beavers, swimming, jujitsu, camp, whatever) that he's being assessed for ASD has been absolutely fantastic. Not a so,it ion but a real change for the better in how he's perceived by them and how they try (as best they can) to meet his needs / understand why / when he can't meet theirs.

Does anyone have a sheet of guidance I can give to leaders to help with asperges / HFA children? Not yet sure what he's for. CAMHS think it us what was calked asperges (high functioning autism or ASD?)? Sic intruding. All shall be revealed .. if I survive that long. Lol

Thanks Polter. You always pop up for me with something helpful. Much appreciated. Xx

Thanks Polter. You always pop up for me with something helpful. Much appreciated. Xx

Couldn't fund anything suitable (after a longish google). Looked at NA one, too. I once saw one written fir scout leaders (I think). Was great. Can't fund it now. Aaaaargh

Polter - what happened to your son is disgusting

Gosh this is so hard. Has your school got a home link worker? My eldest and nt son has been in boover this year. Thankfully the parents if the other kids involved and me all get on and are adopting a boys will be boys attitude. I'm telling my eldest that a certain boy and him just do not get on and never will. They can be civil, say hello, play on the outside of each other's social circles but to stop trying to get on. Wide birth and all that.

The home link worker is working with us on this while trying to pick apart what's at the route of it all ( some is my sons anger with his sen little brother, some is one of the other kids is very smart and knows how to push ds buttons as some is another kid is a spoilt violent little shit)

But of course this is my nt boy who in theroy has control of his actions. It might be useless advice for you. Unless they could tell the other parents kids to give a wide birth as some people will never get on ( and who would want those girls around your ds anyway)

I think it is a "passport" that you might need

This is is a link to an adult one on the NAS website but I have seen ones specifically for children. We did a one page summary for ds1 and ds2 listing triggers etc. Needs to be relatively short else they won't read it.

www.autism.org.uk/news-and-events/news-archive/11-november/new-gp-passport-now-available.aspx

Yes. I decided that I ought to make a document that's personalised, short and clear. I'll have a look at that one, thank you!

2boys, that's so true. I don't want those revolting creatures near him and strongly want the leader to give them a form talking to this morning to head off any more winding up or teasing.

The thing on the NAS for scout leaders etc is in the section Working with people with autism, then Leisure and environments, then Activity leaders and sport instructors.

There's also quite a good schools' guide to Asperger syndrome in the education professionals section on there.

Hope everything goes smoothly on Monday. Not the farce we had of being 'observed' through a one way mirror and being told DS needed firm, consistent parenting like we didn't already do that? Like we didn't already know that? Like parenting a child who is well and truly outside 'normal' behaviour can be treated in the same way! I hope you get more help and advice, but the 'other parents and children' situation is far more difficult than managing your own child.

DS tells me now how the other kids would deliberately wind him up, what they would say and do, to see him lose what little control he had at that age. I agree a label of any kind won't stop the majority being ignorant. The DM mentality 'Naughty child syndrome' may kick in, but you may find one or two mums who have some understanding and personal or family experience.

We always found teachers, scout leaders and most other adults very understanding but it was just the parents who didn't get it. You will need a diagnosis to get the teachers and TAs to intervene in a more constructive way and if he gets some hours per week 1 to 1 and a statement, this may go a long way to helping him cope and keeping the bullies at bay.