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Original poster

I need to talk about my darkest thoughts somewhere, and I can only do it here

60 replies

emkana · 05/09/2006 19:17

Sometimes I find myself thinking "Why did I decide to have a third? Life could be so easy now if I hadn't had ds. Dd's wouldn't have to suffer then, we'd all be smiling."

There. I've written it down. I feel so ashamed of these thoughts, I really do, but I can't help having them. On the other hand I do of course love ds more than anything. But still I keep having these thoughts.

OP posts:
TheRealCam · 05/09/2006 19:18

Sending you lots of love emkana xxxxxx

Twiglett · 05/09/2006 19:19

I don't think you should feel ashamed at all .. I think that's a natural and normal and totally understandable thought process

Wrapping it up in guilt won't help .. you are entitled to acknowledge it

Greensleeves · 05/09/2006 19:20

Anyone one under the sort of stress you have been under would be thinking like that, emkana. You're exhausted, and you've been worried out of your mind for months on end - it's completely understandable. And as you say, you know you love him really - be kinder to yourself. How would you react if a friend who had been through all of this confided that she was having these thoughts? You'd understand. xxx

This is the right place to be expressing thoughts like this - because we all have them sometimes and we know it's normal.

HuwEdwards · 05/09/2006 19:21

Emkana, nothing to be ashamed about at all. I would think that most people would have those kind of thoughts. I am old I decided not to have another child for those very reasons - and then I feel ashamed because having so called 'perfect' children shouldn't be what parenting is about.

dmo · 05/09/2006 19:21

whats a matter with your youngest emkana?

saadia · 05/09/2006 19:21

You're human, it's normal to think these things. I don't want to sound patronising but it's all part of life's journey. You have to acknowledge your true feelings and thoughts. It doesn't mean you love ds any less.

54321 · 05/09/2006 19:22

Don't feel bad. Do not. You are human and you only want the best for your ds we all do whether they are special needs are not. Don't feel ashamed. There are times I but that's my story and this is your space and you need to know it's ok.

MrsApronstrings · 05/09/2006 19:22

don't feel bad - I've sat weeping about how hard life is with four and dh travelling - you can have those feelings it doesn't mean anything about your love for your children. Just because it has added disruption now doesn't mean it wont turn out to be the best thing for all of them as time goes on.

marthamoo · 05/09/2006 19:23

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of - sounds perfectly understandable and normal to me. Don't be so hard on yourself, hon.

Blossomhill · 05/09/2006 19:23

Emkana ~ what you are going through in a way is a kind of grief.
I know that once I realised that dd's problems weren't going away and especially when things were so so bad I often found myself thinking what if? I felt terrible and like you love dd to absolute bits it's not true.
Allow yourself to feel your emotions emkana as it's better to let them out than keeping them in.
Hugs {{{}}}

MABS · 05/09/2006 19:33

don't be hard on yourself, most of us have probably had those thoughts if we are really honest with ourselves. I know I have. Take care

Original poster
emkana · 05/09/2006 20:05

You are so kind.

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Jimjams2 · 05/09/2006 20:10

I quite often imagine just having ds2 and ds3. Other times I imagine just having ds1. Because either scenario would be a lot easier! It's a normal way to feel, so don't add guilt to a list of feelings!

frumpygrumpy · 05/09/2006 20:15

These thoughts are totally normal and acceptable too. I regularly felt these same thoughts after our lives were turned upside down with our DTs. My DD had a lovely life until they came along, then they dominated everything and she got the "I've got no bloody patience so do it yourself" side of me which I regretted. No matter whats going on family is family and we are all stronger for it even if not atm necesarily happier. HTH xxx.

aaronsmummy · 05/09/2006 20:17

Emkana , there is nothing wrong with being honest, I have had those feelings myself about ds2. I love him to bits but still life would be so much easier without him. Doesnt mean that i would do things differently if i had the option.

PanicPants · 05/09/2006 20:19

I think we've all had similiar thoughts at one time or other, and thats all that they are - just thoughts, a way of coping with the strains and stresses of everyday life.

And you've got a lot more strain and stress than most. It's normal, and you're coping fantastically well.

MegaLegs · 05/09/2006 21:15

I've been there too Emkana.

bubblepop · 05/09/2006 22:05

oh emkana, its early days yet and you've been thru so much already, and then the little darlin goes and gets rsv on top of everything else! if i knew you in RL i'd be straight round with a bottle of wine and a big bar of chocky! you can do it, your a good mum. just one day at a time, keep tellin yourself. x

HuwEdwards · 05/09/2006 22:38

Honestly, not kind, just honest
xx

Original poster
emkana · 06/09/2006 09:17

I just find myself in a permanent state of panic which I can just about keep under control - watching him and fearing that he will get worse, will end up in hospital again...

Every time I plan something to do with the girls or with dh I think to myself "We'll do that if ds isn't in hospital again."

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hunkermunker · 06/09/2006 09:25

Emkana, I often think of you. I think if you didn't have feeling like this, there would be something wrong.

Much love, as always x x x x

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 06/09/2006 09:29

Em - I could have written your post 12 years ago. Two healthy boys and then dd - complete guilt-trip all round, permanent state of panic just bubbling underneath. It does no good. Hugs.

You have to take the good days, enjoy them, don't let the shadow of what might be cloud every moment. I know how hard it is to do that, honestly I do.

As BH said it's a sort of grief you know. For the child you hoped you'd have and the life you hoped you'd have. I'm thinking of you x

fairyjay · 06/09/2006 09:33

You're grieving for the 'perfect' baby you thought you were going to get. But I promise that in time your ds will become 'perfect' for you as well. I know, I've been there .

Don't be too hard on yourself.

geekgrrl · 06/09/2006 09:33

emkana, as others have said, it's perfectly normal to have these kinds of feelings, it's an extreme situation andyou're allowed to feel in turmoil.
I've had thoughts like that many time when dd2 was a little baby - I kept thinking that if only I'd conceived one cycle later - the egg probably wouldn't have been dodgy and everything would have been just normal.
When dd2's heart defect was diagnosed I found myself wishing she'd just died during labour - it was just all too much and I just wanted it to 'go away'.

It does get easier, but allow yourself time to get to terms with everything. How is Sebastian doing now? Did you email the xrays off?

Original poster
emkana · 06/09/2006 09:45

ds is incredibly wheezy again today which contributes to my feelings of panic. Keep telling myself that the consultant said wheeziness was okay as long as ds was feeding well and alert and happy, but still I hate it and worry myself sick about it and don't know what to do.

HV coming later on today so feeling anxious whether ds's weight gain will be any good. Also have feeling that I might start to cry when she's here and I really don't want to.

Haven't sent off x-rays, will wait till Fri when I see consultant.

Saggars, wanted to thank you for all your good suggestions (Prevenar, physio) - it's all being added to my list of things to ask the consultant!

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