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SN children

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Original poster

I need to talk about my darkest thoughts somewhere, and I can only do it here

60 replies

emkana · 05/09/2006 19:17

Sometimes I find myself thinking "Why did I decide to have a third? Life could be so easy now if I hadn't had ds. Dd's wouldn't have to suffer then, we'd all be smiling."

There. I've written it down. I feel so ashamed of these thoughts, I really do, but I can't help having them. On the other hand I do of course love ds more than anything. But still I keep having these thoughts.

OP posts:

SpaceCadet · 06/09/2006 09:48

emkana-i think what you are feeling is perfectly normal..and in a way, you have to grieve for the child that you feel you should have had, if that makes sense..come and post your thoughts on here, no one will condemn or judge you.
xxx

springgreens · 06/09/2006 10:05

I've had dark thoughts too. Don't beat yourself up .

Mine passed comepletely with time, but still - to my surprise - pop up ocassionally to kick me in the stomach. I don't think that you ever really fully get over the grief.

Original poster

emkana · 06/09/2006 14:00

Now here's some good news which have cheered me up:
Ds has put on over a pound in the last fortnight!

OP posts:

RnB · 06/09/2006 14:04

Message withdrawn

saadia · 06/09/2006 14:33

that's brilliant

Original poster

emkana · 06/09/2006 19:12

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 06/09/2006 21:36

Over a pound? That's brilliant, Emkana!

Thomcat · 06/09/2006 21:41

Totally normal to feel the way you're feeling, not dark thought sweet, don't think of them that way, think of you thnking normal healthy thoughts that all women in your position feel.

It's hard, we're allowed to have moments like these.
Doesn't mean we don't love them, just means we're being normal humans and coping.

morocco · 06/09/2006 21:42

take care of yourself, emkana, you're doing a great job with those 3 kids

fistfullofnappies · 06/09/2006 21:54

I have had these sort of thoughts re 4th baby, as life has been such a struggle since she was born. Still love her though.

Arabica · 09/09/2006 00:00

I haven't been on here for ages and so I just ran a search for you, emkana. I have to say I feel exactly the same way sometimes. If only I hadn't wanted to seize the chance for a second (and final) child so desperately, if only we hadn't been unprepared to start a family until we were nearly 40, why wasn't I content to be a mum of one, etc etc...
am glad to hear about the weight gain am so pleased for you (and v )

dmo · 09/09/2006 22:55

my niece was born nearly 5 mths ago it was a difficult birth which resulted in her having cp
anyway we were coming to terms with it (i was upset for my sister as its her first baby etc) on friday my sister took her to hosp about drugs for her fits and mentioned baby swets a lot so they did tests and found a problem with babys heart today they tell us there is nothing more they can do the baby has weeks/months left.
were all deverstated

hovely · 09/09/2006 23:08

dmo

Original poster

emkana · 09/09/2006 23:18

oh dmo that's awful
I'm so sorry

OP posts:

sleepysooz · 09/09/2006 23:48

emkana - everybody has different problems, it doesn't mean you have to feel guilty. dmo's problem is the saddest thing on earth to happen, but it doesn't stop you feeling bad about your thoughts!

I had thoughts of dropping my ds downstairs when he was born, I didn't realise it at the time that I had postnatal depression! I went on to have dts whom I love dearly but i think nearly everyday how my life has been turned upsidedown, we've just got to get on with it, we are normal human beings, don't feel guilty!

Try and get some me time, I do a martial arts class twice a week, gets my frustrations out and back into perspective.

Good luck

DMO - that is such a sad thing to hear, I am so sad for you and your family, I hope you can all have some sort of faith (very difficult) but if you can believe in some form of religion, you might gain strength

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 10/09/2006 12:10

dmo - if you or sister need some support please come to the message board at Heartline . There are several parents there who have lost their children to heart problems. Thinking of your family.

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 10/09/2006 12:46

Oh DMO that's so sad

I hope they are going to get upport from a childrens hospice? Often a blessing at sucha sad time.

My thoughtsa re with your family.

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 10/09/2006 12:48

Emkana, it's slightly diiferent here, in that DS was our first so we're glad we went on to have mroe quickly, otherwise we might have been toos cared to do so.

but why couldn't I wait until I was married (and hence a different egg / sperm combo) etc etc etc- all depressingly familiar. it's normal, love, honestly it is.

dmo · 10/09/2006 21:42

thanks guys will pass mess on to my sister
were going to get baby christened very soon

dmo · 13/09/2006 09:39

baby got out of hospital yesterday were so pleased she is at home now
its less stressful on my sister

FioFio · 13/09/2006 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jimjams2 · 13/09/2006 11:47

oh my goodness dmo. How dreadful. My thoughts are with your familyxxxx

dmo · 13/09/2006 21:56

thanks for hugs much needed

mrs2shoes · 13/09/2006 21:59

dmo so sorry for your sister and all of you big hugs

chonky · 13/09/2006 22:58

oh dmo - so sorry to hear about your niece . Hugs from me too.

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