Need suggestions if how to get DS to school on bad days

[Babieseverywhere]

Today was a bad day. I had to drag a screaming, hitting, kicking 5yo child to school. Holding him by the shirt collar with one hand to prevent him bolting, push the pram with the other, watching my two other girls walk ahead together.

I have no help day to day, no one can handle him on a bad day. The deputy head took him off me at the office and predictedly he started to move on his own....reinforcing the fact that he is a naughty child and I am a bad parent.

He should have a comm paed appointment via gp in a couple of months but after today I might cancel it, what is the point.

I had a chat to Senco and deputy head after DS was taken to his class. They are referring him to some people after today but only because of the school refusal element.

School are 100% sure it is behavioural and bad parenting. They did refer to the local ASD unit to rule out my concerns. The Senco stated that another child in the school who they were sure was Autistic, was ruled out by this unit and they are sure ut wouldbe the same for my son. They are sure the behavioural unit (aka bad parents are us) would be able to help with my problem getting him to school :(

They also agreed to put some things in place like fidget toys etc, to help him be happier at school.

My DH agrees with the school and is being tougher on him trying to get himto behave. The tougher he is the more meltdowns and tears we have had.

How do I get him to school tomorrow ?

I know I shouldn't be posting on this board just with behavioural problems, as everyone is clear that is the case here. But this board is more supportive and I can not endure any further critism today.

What do you think though?

Do you think he has Sn's?

Mums gut instincts are often right and you do have other children! Do they have behaviour issues as well?

Oh, I'm so sorry babies! No practical advice, sorry, just sympathy. Hang in there with the ped appointment, in the end someone somewhere will recognise that this isn't a bad parenting issue and give you some sensible help.

(My DS was OK going to school but it could take over an hour to do the 10-minute walk home, kicking and screaming and running off all the way..... happy days [not!])

I am asking because I always felt Dd3 had Asd but no one in school or at home believed me. Eventually DP realised and got on board with appointments. After 3.5 yrs of assessments she was diagnosed with Asd on her 9th birthday!!

She has school refused ever since she started and I have dragged her into school many times when she was younger and had the faces pulled by so called professionals who were happier to judge my parenting than help my child.

Not anymore, now I preserve her mental health, if I know she is not coping I keep her at home.

Can you video what happens when you try and leave the house for school so you can get professionals to believe you? I wouldn't cancel the appointment just push for specialist assessment, schools know nothing about autism in my experience. I know children labelled as having bad parents who had total breakdowns by age 10 due to undiagnosed asd and spent the rest of their education in residential schools
Agree if your other children are fine then this cannot be your parenting. A parents instincts are rarely wrong there is research which backs this up!

I have worried so long about DS and noone understands what it is like to worry so , uch, when everyone around me tells me he is fine.

Now it is clear everything is not fine, the default problem is me :(

I have to get the other two girls to school on time and he has to come with us.. I don't want to drag DS to school on a bad day...alll I can think to do is put the youngest child on the bottom seat of the pram and when he kicks off, strap him to the front of the pram whilst I still have the strength to do that...what I will do as he gets bigger I don't know.

I am just so sad that the school and my DH know he is a naughty childand my opinion counts for nothing.

The school see the two oldest girls in school both beautifully behaved and follow rules, yet it is clear to everyone that I fail at parenting boys.

I just want DS to be happy.

I don't want DH upsetting him trying to get DS to behave.

I don't school to upset him

I don't want him to change, He has so many lovely qualities, I love him.

Do not cancel the pead appointment!!

As agnes says get video evidence. I would also recommend keeping a diary of his difficulties, what causes them [if you know] and how you deal with them. If you are consistent which I am sure you are then it will show in your diary!!

Also make some notes about any diffiuclties he has with communication [not just talking], playing with siblings, routines and repetetive behaviours. if he does any thing unusual or quirky write it down. You need to collect evidence.

Dont give up you are at the beginning of your journey not the end. Your little boy needs your help, he needs you to speak up for him because he cant do it himself.

Good luck and keep coming on here for support, it is the best place ever

Thank you, yes I have a diary where I write the highlights of DS behaviour, daily. Including the words he makes up etc.

I have also written about all past developmental issues when he was a baby and toddler.

I know I have to carry on for DS sake but the bottom line is I want them to be right...poor parenting could be corrected whereas Asd is for life :(

Yes I agree but with the correct diagnosis [if he needs one] he will hopefully get some help or at least some understanding and then hopefully school wont be so hard for him.

Of course it is totally your right not to get him assessed but it seems a shame to blame your parenting if he has an underlying condition. His difficulties might go away as he gets older, or they might not and you could end up with him being excluded from school.

With the right support lots of children with Asd can cope at school and their behaviour at home can improve because they are happier at school.

Remember, no professional is going to diagnose your child without proper assessment. Most of us on here have been through lengthy processes to get to where we are now.

Yes, I am hopeingifghey look closely at DS behaviour, I hope they see that he can't do certakn things and I truely believe it is can't not won't.

I believe hewants to be happy and he kicks off as he can't verbalise the problems school is for him iyswim.

I just feel very alone, I need DH to be on board, he has always been my rock. I hate being on opposite sides of the fence. I think he will come around, he just needs more time to watch DS and see what I see, I hope.

But I will keep plugging away and try and make things easier for DS...I just wish June was around the corner..atm it seems a million years away.

It will fly by, we only have 3 weeks before another week off and then it will be June!

Keep plodding on, you will get there

I might do myself a countdown visual timetable...help me deal with waiting, lol.

Thanks, it is good to have a place where I can vent to knowledgeable people, who listen and don't judge or minimise my concerns.., it really helps.

You have other children who don't have such problems, right? It doesn't matter that they're girls and he's a boy.

Then the problem isn't your parenting. Yes, there may be potentially helpful things that you can learn to do with him that you wouldn't normally need to do with a child with no behavioural difficulties, like the count downs and so on and you do have to be a lot more consistent and patient than even sparklingly wonderful parents sometimes have the energy for. It would be lovely if you could parent him "better" and fix everything... but...

Don't pull out of the assessment.

I remember thinking the same thing and it took a long time for me to come to terms. But the thing is, an ASC is for life but unhappiness is temporary. After my DS was diagnosed, when everyone started to recognise and respect his disability and give him the help he needed, two things happened.

First, he started to become happier. Three months after his diagnosis, his class teacher said to me “We did drama today and I heard your DS laughing. It was lovely, it’s the first time I’ve ever heard him laugh in school”.

And second, very slowly, he started to become more able. Because people weren’t trying to make him do things he couldn’t, he was much less stressed, and because he was less stressed and they were helping him build on his strengths, he started learning how to do more things and wanting to try more things. Including things I never imagined he would, like suddenly deciding to play football.

The pre-assessment wait was one of the hardest times of my life. I’m not saying everything is always perfect now, but nothing since has ever been as tough as that, not for him and not for us. Hang in there. You are doing your damndest to help your DS. It probably doesn’t feel like it but you are using heroic levels of courage every day, just to keep plodding along in the right direction. You and your DS will get there

Will your DH to come along to the assessments? It will not undermine any diagnosis if he does, even if your DH does not agree, and it could be good for the professionals to hear his point of view and for him to hear theirs, directly. After all, he sees the same behaviour that you see even if he puts a different interpretation on it, he is not going to say “DS never did this or that behaviour”. And it might be easier for you to find yourselves on the same side if you face the professionals together.

DH will not be going to the school meetings...but he will be coming to the comm paed meeting. I think it is important that he hears what is said, whatever is said iyswim.

In my experience, school started to take notice once my husband came onboard. This happened when DS was in year 3. The previous years, I was the one attending meetings on my own and getting more worn down as time went on. But I never stopped and when my husband finally accepted what I had known for donkey years and we became a team; there was no stopping us.

You are going to get there too. You are amazing. Remember that. And no, it isn't your fault nor are you neurotic.

Don't cancel the appt! You are not a bad parent - you are asking for help. Your dh will eventually realise your ds isn't being naughty, he just might take a while. In my experience, dh took a while to come round to the idea that ds may need more help and support than just we can give him. But once that clicked, he became a driving (stubborn) force in getting things moving. Unfortunately for me it wasn't until dh started asking the questions and raising concerns that someone thought 'oh hang on, it's not just mum whose being neurotic...' It felt like I wasn't believed until dh started making time for appts and asking difficult questions (or in one instance pretty much lambasting a HV who came to visit).

Like yours, ds can be the devil incarnate before preschool. As soon as he's there he appears to be the most compliant child ever. Although every now and then they get a glimpse into my day as I prise a screaming, flailing child from my legs and practically run out the door. On getting home again, he morphs into the Incredible Hulk. It's hard, really hard, not to feel like it's my fault. But I have an older dd and two younger dc who don't and never have displayed the same behaviours (beyond ds2 going through a copying stage with hitting/snatching, which could also just be his development age).

Ds1 just doesn't cope with busy or noisy once he doesn't have to. I imagine the same happens with you. Ds spends all day trying to comply. As soon as he's home and safe, he lets it all out.

We started our journey of being believed last year. In a few weeks time we've a meeting where hopefully we will get some answers.

Can school give your DS some quiet / downtime during the school day to de stress? The thing about asd is break time is not rest and play, it's harder work than the structure of the classroom. So DS needs time out during class time to be able to cope. Regular breaks through the day can help. Also some children can use a traffic light system etc to show if they are getting stressed, or be taught to ask for a break (although they can start doing this to get out of everything!). You need to be clear that it is something about school which is causing the problems at home, he is just holding it in until he feels safe to let it out. There is stuff on NAS website about this it's so common, so you need to put the problem back on schools shoulders. What can they do to make sure he is not fit to explode by the time he comes home or too stressed to go in the first place.

I am always doubtful when schools say it's all fine there, I don't doubt if you were a fly on the wall you would see lots of signs he's not ok which they miss.

When he does get to school what does he do? I know children with autism who spent most of their reception year in the bathroom as it's the quietest place. What does he seek out? That may give a clue as to what bits he's avoiding / finding hard. What happens at break? Does he isolate himself?

I would also contact the council EP direct and ask them to go into school and do an assessment, the school can request this but so can you direct, just tell the EP the school and you do not agree about the cause of the problems as they think it's parenting and you think it's poss asd. You can say you have 2 other children with no behavioural problems. Say problems with getting him to school are escalating.

Also start writing everything down and follow up calls with letters or emails. So for EP say I asked you to go into school and assess because I am concerned about x,y and z... You said '....' And quote back at them advice given. Once they know you are writing everything down this type of dismissal often stops. I would also write to school and summarise your concerns, what has happened so far and what you want to happen, you can get advice and support with letter writing from NAS or IPSEA. I bet if you wrote down you have advised by school it's not asd but bad parenting and school are certain the behaviour unit will find no underlying condition (even tho other children don't present with similar problems) etc you will find the school denying they ever said this. It's one thing to say it, another to have it in writing presented to a sen tribunal down the line.

Stop doubting yourself and start fighting back. My DS is much happier now he has right support, the whole family is. It's still challenging but not as much as when we didn't know what it was or what to do. His behaviour in school is great now because it's so well managed.

On a practical basis does he have to go to school full time? You can ask to flexi school. When was he 5? Legally he does not have to go full time until the term after he was 5. DS still goes to school part time at 7 and has other education the rest of the time. I can see no benefit to him being in school full time, education doesn't have to happen in a school. For DS school is the busiest, most challenging environment and actually the hardest place for him to learn!

Is there a homestart charity near you that could maybe give some practical help? Could someone help you with the school run? Could your dh drop the others early at breakfast club and just leave you DS to do?

The school Senco has agreed the following :-

: Refer to Educational Paed
: Refer to local expert ASD unit to rule out autism
: Refer to behavioural unit, whom they hope to help with school refusal
: Arrange school based meeting with her and teacher to discuss my suggestions which she thought sounded reasonable.

: I have already arranged an community paed appointment and request the one who has special interest in ASD/ASC for summer.

I am asking for fidget toys in the classroom, to stop punishing him for behaviour which the teacher has already agreed is beyond his control shouting out and fidgeting. Allow him staying in at lunch and breaks when he is stressed out. Let him stay out or sit at the back in assembles. Give him supervision in bathroom, he is frightened to be on his own and he is not wiping properly or washing his hands at school (I think)

I suspect when they said 'he is fine' that he is displaying low level anxiety related behaviour. I think he wll be crawling, hiding, shouting, ignoring requests, fidgeting and that the school is currently assuming he is misbehaviouring.

DS finds it very hard to tell me what is going on at school. I know he is/upset but without further information I can't indentify his triggers at school, though I can guess what is happening.

I have three other well behaved children but only two are at school, the toddler is home with me.

To be frank I don't care if the school blames me, as long as they help me to help DS.

I think it is ASD/ASC but I am no doctor and could be completely wrong.

My DH swings between saying DS is just badly behaved but keeps mentioning ADHD and saying he doesn't want his son medicated.

The school is certain it is bad parenting/behavioural

Hopefully the experts will sort it out...they can give him/not give him a label, all I care about is that he is happy and supported.

I asked about flexi learning last year when he struggled in Reception and I was told the school do not do this. Now DS is 6yo in summer and currently in year 1 and work wise doing very well, however he does the bare minimum. He is far smarter than they know.

No one who can help me on the school run. My DH leaves the house to commute very early. No money to put kids in breakfast club and if I magically found the money, I would have a five minutes drive in rush hour traffic in the wrong direction to get to the only breakfast club in the area and getting DS in the car is harder than strapping him into the pram for the school run.

I have two choices leave him at home on his own which i would NEVER do, or walk him on good days and strap him into the pram on the bad ones and hope one of the referals comes with a magic wand.

Sent an email to Senco outlining everything we discussed yesterday.

I added another adjustment suggestion to the ones the Senco already agreed to in principle....is this a reasonable adjustment to ask for ?

I wrote.......
This last suggestion wasn't discussed with you yesterday but I really think will be very helpful for DS, if the school could support this.
As DS really struggles to find the right words to communicate, especially when he is getting stressed and upset. He will sometimes fall back to quoting facts about Minecraft in an endless monologue, shout, hit out or try and hide.

If he had a card or something he could show when things were upsetting him and that would allow him permission to go to a safe place, so he could calm himself with a Minecraft book, that would help him cope much better at school.

A suitable place, would need to be close enough to other people as DS must never be on his own, but somewhere no one will talk to him. We use an egg timer to give him a set amount of time before he comes back. At home, he hides behind the curtain, under the dining table or watching Youtube videos of Minecraft on the kids computer in the dining room.

Do you think that is a reasonable thing to ask for ?