Need suggestions if how to get DS to school on bad days

[Babieseverywhere]

Today was a bad day. I had to drag a screaming, hitting, kicking 5yo child to school. Holding him by the shirt collar with one hand to prevent him bolting, push the pram with the other, watching my two other girls walk ahead together.

I have no help day to day, no one can handle him on a bad day. The deputy head took him off me at the office and predictedly he started to move on his own....reinforcing the fact that he is a naughty child and I am a bad parent.

He should have a comm paed appointment via gp in a couple of months but after today I might cancel it, what is the point.

I had a chat to Senco and deputy head after DS was taken to his class. They are referring him to some people after today but only because of the school refusal element.

School are 100% sure it is behavioural and bad parenting. They did refer to the local ASD unit to rule out my concerns. The Senco stated that another child in the school who they were sure was Autistic, was ruled out by this unit and they are sure ut wouldbe the same for my son. They are sure the behavioural unit (aka bad parents are us) would be able to help with my problem getting him to school :(

They also agreed to put some things in place like fidget toys etc, to help him be happier at school.

My DH agrees with the school and is being tougher on him trying to get himto behave. The tougher he is the more meltdowns and tears we have had.

How do I get him to school tomorrow ?

That's so cute..... do add that story to your list of observations!

I was going to tell you not to worry but that would be such a silly thing to say - of course you are going to worry, because it's a worry if they see nothing and it's a different worry if they see something. The thing is, you are taking the first big step towards getting the answers that you and your DS need. And even if it isn't a "something" with a formal diagnosis, the ped may still be able to identify some of the issues behind your list of concerns and point you in the direction of help.

I am so worried but equally relieved that we should get some help for DS soon. I hope, fingers crossed.

I agree this lady from the Comm Paed team can not win, whatever she says I will be upset. But I guess they will be use to that reaction.

Babies I have 'known' you on here for blimmin ages, and you are a very experienced parent with a hundred kids or something.

So, sadly, I would be utterly utterly surprised if the paed or anyone QUALIFIED were to tell you you have nothing to be concerned about.

Just 4 wonderful kids, I am so lucky :)

And they're lucky to have you. You really pay attention to how your kids respond and what they need.

Aww, thanks, that cheers me up, considering how low I was feeling on Monday. :)

This bit is the worst bit, because you pour your worst fears into the information void.

What is the issue? What is the prognosis? What extra demands with this put on our family resources? Will anyone/everyone believe me? Will they take it seriously? Will child/family be penalised? Will others see what I do? Will we get the help we are supposed to? How long will we have to wait?

etc. etc.

It was the worst time of my life when I was where you are but as I started to piece it all together and get to know ds' rights and ours as a family, and suss out a plan, a rationale, as well as understand quickly that the most effective solution to most things was to crack on myself regardless of the unfairness of that, things started to get heaps easier and better.

Babies, can I suggest you keep the minecraft book well hidden until the comm paed lady has seen your ds and how he acts and interacts. I know exactly what you are thinking of in taking it to keep your ds occupied, but it can be very helpful for your ds to be seen unoccupied. I know the way my ds occupied himself whilst I had my first meeting with the comm paed was illuminating to the paed, and actually when a different comm paed saw him re: his dyspraxia, having him unoccupied also let her see how he was constantly moving and sensory seeking in a way him having his ds wouldnt have.

Thank you for that advice about hiding the book, I can see the reasoning about letting him show his true personality.

I am very worried about damaging his self esteem by talking in a critical way around him to this meeting person ?

Though on a lighter note, my DH said why are you worrying he never listens to what we say anyway, which made me laugh and cry at the same time.

This is the harderst thing I have ever done.

I have no idea what is going to happen....I really wish I could dash forward a year or so and check if I am doing the right thing (or not)

But real life is not as considerate and I will have to keep on pushing on and see where we get to. It worries me that I might be posting on this board with fake colours and if I am, I am sorry but I am very grateful for your all support in the meantime.

Don't be daft. People come on this board all the time with their concerns. Some do leave, either immediately with no concerns or after a few years when though their concerns were real, they have no longer needed support and their children are doing very well in mainstream with no support at all.

Either of those would make us happy for you and we'll help you get there if we can. If not, we'll help you get through the early years of uncertainty.

Re the worries about talking in front of your ds. Whoever you see should be sensitive to that. I had a second appointment to which I didn't take ds and I went through everything in more detail then.

If you feel that they are not being sensitive then ask for that. Tbh, my ds was very rattled for a couple of days after so do be prepared for that (he was five when we started, so similair age)

Thank you, still reading and thinking about everything posted. Glad I can chill out here and whatever happens:).

Of all the times that mumsnet has helped, the period I went through before ds was diagnosed was the most valuable I think. Sorry, have lost the ability to write proper sentences as you can see from my previous post. I am so impressed with how on top of things you are. I was clueless.

Re the worries about talking in front of your ds. Whoever you see should be sensitive to that. I had a second appointment to which I didn't take ds and I went through everything in more detail then.

Sadly, in our experience they are often not and this includes psychologists who really should know better. If you can go to the appointment with your dh and one of you take your son out when you are saying things you don't want him to hear. Alternatively, try and arrange a separate appointment where you can discuss the issues without your son being present.

I am not on top of things, far from it,

My last school run of the week, thank goodness.

Good points left pram and two youngest kids at home with DH. Bumped into nice grandma who let my oldest DD walk with her granddaugher the last 1/3 of the way, so DD wasn't late for school. DS did get into school, in the right door and on time.

Bad Points DH had to carry DS outside to front garden and lock door, as he wouldn't leave house on his own. He spent half the time shouting that he hates school and on a go slow and the other half running ahead, so we made good time overall. But I had to ask the teachers take him through for me. He was sobbing into my legs, telling me he hated school, all of it, that he wanted to go home. Yet apparantly he is fine once I go.

My DH says I am over worrying and he is fine, sigh. I just don't know what to think :(

For pets sake. I have had a terrible week of morning school runs with DS shouting I hate school, kicking, screaming, running off , hiding...you get the picture.

I have his behaviour chart for this week from school and it is near perfect good behaviour...

Just talked to DS and he can not remember why he was so upset this morning or indeed any morning this week. He also referred to playing with all his friends !

Just lovely, I have to laugh else I will cry. ...what is going on at all ?

Well you are getting such mixed messages from everyone around you, including your DS himself, so it’s no wonder you are tearing your hair!

It is a good thing that your DS is managing to behave himself so well in school. It means a lot of good things for him in future, honest! And it is good if he remembers the good things and not the stress. But even so, he could still feel deeply stressed at times, for whatever reasons, and it does not mean that you are (somehow) causing his problems either. As other people have said, the sheer effort of keeping himself together at school may be overwhelming him before and afterwards.

Not long to go now. I have my fingers and toes crossed simply that you will be listened to and that your observations and concerns are taken seriously. You have earned that right.

And.... I do think your DH might still be a bit in denial about how big a problem this is. How is it "fine" for your DS to need to be locked out of the house before school? When he was a boy did your DH have to be locked out to get him walking to school? Did your DH have to be peeled off his mother to get him inside? Did your DH kick, scream, run off, hide, not just once but day after day? Whether he has an ASC or not, it is not just "fine". Your DS is struggling, and you are doing the right thing for him.

It's normal/not unheard of for ASD kids to be "fine" in school but not at home. Because they can hide behaviours (in a class of 30 or playground of 360) but can't hold it in all day.

My DH was fairly dismissive of the idea DS was different, because he was just used to him being him; and because he didn't take him to parties/playdates/swimming/school and if he did it was such a novelty that DS would behave. Yet when DH was answering the psychologist's questions, the psychologist stopped him and said "but most children would do X in that situation - not Y" And after the billionth time of that DH started to consider the possibility.

But what is the truth ?

Is he struggling ?
Is he happy at school ?
Does he have friends ?

I am very confused and fed up with the drama every school morning :(

DS does behave better for DH. ..even went to the park after school...something he is rarely happy to do with me.

Just one week to go. I have everything crossed that we are lucky enough to be assigned an knowledgeable person at this meeting. Someone who knows their stuff and can be trusted to give an accurate answer...no matter what that answer is or how we like it.