Need suggestions if how to get DS to school on bad days

[Babieseverywhere]

Today was a bad day. I had to drag a screaming, hitting, kicking 5yo child to school. Holding him by the shirt collar with one hand to prevent him bolting, push the pram with the other, watching my two other girls walk ahead together.

I have no help day to day, no one can handle him on a bad day. The deputy head took him off me at the office and predictedly he started to move on his own....reinforcing the fact that he is a naughty child and I am a bad parent.

He should have a comm paed appointment via gp in a couple of months but after today I might cancel it, what is the point.

I had a chat to Senco and deputy head after DS was taken to his class. They are referring him to some people after today but only because of the school refusal element.

School are 100% sure it is behavioural and bad parenting. They did refer to the local ASD unit to rule out my concerns. The Senco stated that another child in the school who they were sure was Autistic, was ruled out by this unit and they are sure ut wouldbe the same for my son. They are sure the behavioural unit (aka bad parents are us) would be able to help with my problem getting him to school :(

They also agreed to put some things in place like fidget toys etc, to help him be happier at school.

My DH agrees with the school and is being tougher on him trying to get himto behave. The tougher he is the more meltdowns and tears we have had.

How do I get him to school tomorrow ?

What Agnes wrote earlier.

I would certainly not want to keep him in his current school given their crap overall attitude anyway and particularly so if it is proven he is on the ASD spectrum. Some schools are very much of the "if in doubt blame the parents" school of thought.

Do not cancel the paed appointment, btw when is that taking place?.

I have a date in early June but I have also asked to be considered for a cancellation. I am not cancelling anything, I was feeling frustrated yesterday.

The school have a great rep for helping children with additional needs, they are just sure my DS is not in need of help :(

But I am not willing to drag my son into school again. If he feels so unsupported, they have to change something. It was far to upsetting for DS and for me...I am going to discuss possibility of having shorter days gor the next couple of months..or maybe I can pick him up for lunch time at home.

Have to see how the rest of the week goes...I dread taking him on the school run in the mornings. I wake up and my first thought is let it be a good day.

Roll on the holidays.

"But I am not willing to drag my son into school again. If he feels so unsupported, they have to change something. It was far to upsetting for DS and for me...I am going to discuss possibility of having shorter days gor the next couple of months..or maybe I can pick him up for lunch time at home".

IPSEA's website is www.ipsea.org.uk.

I would also refer you to this as well:- www.ipsea.org.uk/AssetLibrary/How%20we%20can%20help/Taking%20Action/Case03.pdf

I would talk with IPSEA about this before you go down that particular route (they have a callback service so I would book a call with them).

Who exactly is this local ASD/behavioural unit they are referring to?.

I am wondering ultimately if they will ever change their tune should it be shown that your son is on the ASD spectrum. They may well not, I doubt if they'd ever apologise for their lack of faith in you.

It is an outreach Service attached to a local special school, according to google.

Senco said they they can rule out asd in a visit to our school. They thought another child at our school was clearly autistic but when these people looked at the child, they said not.

Senco hopes when they rule out asd for my son (which I bet they do) it will make me feel better.

I have decided whatever they say, I am still going ahead with community paed appointment, as I reckon they will know more than staff from a special school.

Should of read if/when they ruleout asd. I do like the Senco, very nice lady. She might be right, it might make me feel better.

Currently I am more worried what to do if he kicks off again on the school run. Do I take him home or is that teaching him to kick off to get his own way. Or do I ask the teachers to catch him or what ? Sigh, hopefully I'll have a few more good mornings, before he kicks off again.

I have decided whatever they say, I am still going ahead with community paed appointment, as I reckon they will know more than staff from a special school.

^^ This. Good for you!

Well for what it's worth, I think that even if you were supermum you can't really manage your DS's problems until you know for sure what his problems are. So at this stage it's very hard to know what to do about your DS's reluctance to go to school. Because if he needs adaptations in school and the school aren't making the right adaptations, then nothing you do is going to make a difference. He's just not going to want to be there. You need that community paed appointment, because the paed will look for a wide range of possibilities. Hopefully you'll have a clearer direction after that.

Meantime, do whatever you need to do to get along with the least pain. But do be a bit cautious about the short days route, especially before you've had proper assessments done.

"I have decided whatever they say, I am still going ahead with community paed appointment, as I reckon they will know more than staff from a special school"

You are indeed correct.

Take the point about short days and tbh I normally have a tough line on school attendance. Just wibbling a lot in regards parenting my DS atm.

sigh, guess I will have to keep taking him for full days regardless of behaviour till June and beyond.

But I will have to try and keep him calm and accept the girls might be late on an occassion.... if he melts down.

We are normally never late ever. I give us 30 minutes to do the 15 minute walk to school and on good days we are first in a playground and on bad days we scrape in just before the bell, but never late.

Aww, thanks PolterGoose :)

I just realised that if I am correct that my DS needs extra help and if I don't explore every avenue/referral, then I would be letting him down, as no one else would do this for him, it is up to me.

Of course I could be wrong and he needs no additional help and I might look silly but I will know for sure that I tried my best and did the right thing.

But even if he is 100% NT, no happy child kicks, screams and cries in the way to school, this has to be resolved one way or another.

Babies I just wanted to say how amazingly clued up you seem already.

Back in the day, before ds received his dx I was clueless! It also sounds like your school are taking some steps to help your ds.

Pre- dx with ds, the school were totally against me, they even objected to ds being assessed for ASD, which had nothing to do with them. They told paed they saw no difficulties in school whatsoever and it was my parenting.

Paed did his own assessments and ds received his dx shortly after. So keep going, if I can do it, anyone can!

Another day morning for DS, luckily daddy was here to sweep him up in his arms and carry him into school.

DS was so upset at our home, before daddy took him to school. He ran up to me and glanced at me (highly unusual I don't normaly get any eye contact off him). He covered my ears with his hands and put his forehead on mine and shouted repeatedly 'I hate school, I hate school'...my heart weeps :(

He is struggling so much, he needs me to help him and I need to help him but how ?

I checked up my GP related comm paed June appointment, they have lost gp's letter, they think. I explain how upset DS is getting and could i have a cancellation or phone contact and they explain it doesn't work that way. Promised to call me back when they check latest GP letters to arrive.

Then they ring me back, the GP letter has been found and as DS is struggling so much would we like to come in for inital background meeting end of next week, rather than June ! Of course i accepted, dropped and shattered my smart phone, I am both so happy and panicky...it is too soon I haven't got my head around everything yet....but how lucky we have been to get a quick appointment...bless those lovely secretaries, you know who you are.

So if I am totally wrong I should know before next weekend, gulp. I am guessing, it will be either go away nothing is wrong or lets wait for another appointment to umm and ar over next step...which is fine by me. This appointment will let me know if there IS something to look into and if there is then I won't feel so lost and wrong.

OMG, an appointment next week and after another talk DH and I are kinda on the same page. We agree something needs to be done.even if we disagree with the labelling/behaviour result. As I pointed out we just need to give the facts and the experts will do the rest.

Ps. Senco confirmst via email that she is only referring to asd unit only and depending on results they will look at education paed or behavourial unit, but this is all June based so off my rader for the time being. Thank you for advise about following up with written confirmation, otherwise I would of assumed she had done all three things .

Thanks Claw, i was so excited to update i didn't read thread first !

My school are sure it is parental related behaviour issues and they only refered to ASD unit to rule out asd, which is kind of them but gutting at the same time.

The deputy head emailed me, she is going to watch DS closely until this situation is resolved. They are a lovely school, lovely people, confused as to why I am so worried and concerned just hanging everything on this appointment next week.

Better get typying up and spell checking my list of concerns and daily diary document for them to read

This meeting is not WITH the named consultant comm paed who I requested (I can be very cheeky) but a member of her team, who refers to her and I have been reassured if there is anything to see than this person will see it !

45 minute appointment with DS to be present as they want to see him too.

Should I try and prepare him or just wing it ? Any idea what to expect.

All I have been told is that they will take an history and I have my typed diary enteries and four pages of earlier concerns from when he was a baby and toddler.

Gosh, just a few days to find out if we are working in the right direction or not. I can be very driven and determined when I want to be. I have been told i would make a fortune in sales if I ever got focus enough, lol

"Ps. Senco confirmst via email that she is only referring to asd unit only and depending on results they will look at education paed or behavourial unit, but this is all June based so off my rader for the time being".

The best thing the SENCO could do here for you would be to call the ed pysch in.

I believe I am correct in writing this but I think that if your DS is on the autistic spectrum, a behavioural unit is the last place he should be placed into. It would be the wrong environment.

Thank you for your advice.

I will wait until next weeks appointment, if the comm paed team person, thinks he is likely to get a ASD dx, then I will push school to do a Education Pysch referral.

So my last worry, is will they see DS and his lovely quirks properly, will they see what they need to see. But in reality I can't do anything about this, they will either see what they need to or not, worrying will do nothing.

Oh well done for getting that appointment sorted! And for keeping on the SENCO's tail too. All this while caring for your kids. See, you are supermum after all

There's is no need to try to prepare your DS. They'll see him as he is. Just bring stuff along to occupy him in case you have to wait before the appointment; also be prepared in case the appointment takes longer than they say.

I am sure this varies, but our ped spent a long time talking to me about DS first, while my DH read to DS in the waiting room. Then she did various tests with DS, puzzles, interpreting picture stories, and talking to him.

Look up NICE guidance about autism diagnosis for children, it can be a long process and shouldn't be by one person but a team (teaching staff are not considered qualified to diagnose so the SENCO is totally wrong about that). It's likely that if there is merit in investigating your DS will be referred for a full assessment, it's unlikely you will be told whether he has asd or not. That would be completely against the guidance. A decision whether he has or hasn't got asd would be after a full assessment in different settings by different professionals. You may just be put on waiting list for assessment (just want you to be prepared). That should not stop EP etc seeing child and providing intervention while you wait.

Thanks for the posts.

I will take a Minecraft book with us to keep DS occupied.

Sad to hear we won't get an answer next week but happy that we are on the path to get some answers at some point.

I have downloaded and read several versions of NICE guidelines, it does look complicated !

Yes, we didn't get a diagnosis straight away. We had two or three appointments with the paed, and she even came to observe DS in school (which is unusual) We also had appointments with a SALT and a clinical psychologist. I think it was the clinical psychologist who first said "Asperger's". After the second or third session the paed did point out that we should apply for DLA (which might be your "magic money"!) even though I didn't think we'd qualify (we did). Once we had the first appointment with the paed the other appointments came fairly quickly.

And even if they put you on a waiting list, the fact that you have seen the paed and are being referred on will make other professionals like the SENCO sit up and take notice. It wont just be you saying "something going on here" any more!

If they see nothing, will they discharge us straight away ?

I.e. If we are kept on for future meeting, they see something ?

I am so nervous what if they see nothing !

Today was a much better day on the school run.

My son walked next to and chatted to a kid from his class. From a distance it looked like two friends chatting until you listen to the 'conversation'.

My DS was doing his monologue about Minecraft and the other child commented about the weather, the slugs on the floor, what he was doing at school. Where as my son carried on talking at him about Minecraft.

I said gently 'darling, maybe doesn't want to talk about Minecraft. I don't said the child, I want to talk about slugs. DS paused for a millisecond and said 'Anyway in Minecraft the zombie villagers....' lol, kids eh.

But lovely for him to walk alongside a similar age children, even if there wasn't much in the way of communication going on.