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Original poster

Do I take dd2 to my mums wedding?

29 replies

autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 07:40

Morning everyone ! I have a dilemma I want some honest mnsn advice on please , no one in rl is likely to give me an honest answer . My mum is remarrying in August which I am really happy about . Dp has depression and agoraphobia so he can't come . I will have to manage dd1 , ds who has high functioning autism
And high anxiety and dd2 who is autistic and although she will be almost 5. Functions at the level of a 2 year old . I am very worried she will become distressed as she is terrified of strangers and strange places . Social stories would be hopeless as she doesn't understand them do I bring her or leave her with dp ? I will be really sad not to bring her but would it be the best thing. ? Honest opinions pls thanks in advance

OP posts:
LastingLight · 18/03/2014 08:36

I would leave dd2 with dp. It sounds like the best decision for her as you won't be exposing her to a situation she might find very distressing. It sounds like the right decision for you as you will be able to enjoy the wedding without having to worry about and potentially deal with a terrified child.

Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 08:38

Thank you for the reply lasting I appreciate it ! It does seem the best course of action but it is making me v sad at the same time

OP posts:
Jacksterbear · 18/03/2014 08:40

I would leave her at home too.

GoodnessKnows · 18/03/2014 08:42

Could you have wedding tea at your house after the wedding (and honeymoon?) and create an opportunity to create the things you'd most like her to experience but at her own pace / in her comfort zone? Special cake? Special dress? Photos? Hope this isn't too silly a suggestion. Does sound like you'd be stressed to take both DCs with, sad as it is. In your experience, are u usually right to have been worried when anxious about taking both girls somewhere you've second thoughts about?

WandaDoff · 18/03/2014 08:43

I would leave her with DP, she'll end up distressed & screaming & you sound like you'll have enough on your hands with the other two.

I do understand, I've got a 4 yo DD with Autism who functions at about the same level & I broke into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 08:47

Goodness that's a brilliant idea!wandadoff thank you

OP posts:
Jacksterbear · 18/03/2014 08:47

Slightly different but my DBro got married in Australia when my ds was a toddler and we left him at home with pils. We didn't know the extent of his difficulties then but we knew he was a difficult, high maintenance, over-sensitive child who wouldn't cope well with the journey or the event itself. None of us would have been able to enjoy the wedding!

magso · 18/03/2014 08:48

Well it's a few months away so if you really want all three to be there, there is time to plan. Perhaps a quiet secure space or room to escape to when things get too much, preferably with a familiar trusted carer or rota of relatives who know your dc well to take over. If the space is local, some vists to get used to the facility and see what is needed might be helpful. Alternatively you could think of other ways to involve your dd2 without actually taking her to the ceremony.

Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 08:50

Thank you all I've just remembered she's terrified of photos and also I've not met the grooms family so I would be doing a lot of explaining ! Ds is enough on his own

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 08:52

Magso sadly the wedding is in the midlands and were in London but I love the idea of the activities

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 18/03/2014 09:02

I hope you have a lovely time & get to spend some quality time with the other two. Hopefully you will be able to enjoy it rather than enduring it. Smile

I bet DD2 will enjoy DH undivided attention so don't feel guilty.

WandaDoff · 18/03/2014 09:03

The wedding tea idea is lovely.

Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 09:03

Thank you Wanda! I do feel guilty but I bet she will have a great time with dad .

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 18/03/2014 09:10

A much better time than she'd be having at a wedding in a strange place, wearing a new outfit with new people & noise & cameras etc.

Leaving her at home with Dad is the best decision for her.

So go & enjoy yourself without any guilt.

I do hope the other two behave Grin

homework · 18/03/2014 18:06

I agree that she has a lovely weekend with her dad , and you use now till then to prepare the other two children , ensuring that they have a safe place to go when they need a bit of time out.
A close family relative or friend that can help with supervision if your unable to sort them at that prise moment should be allocated , so children can develop some trust in them , before everything kicks off , try clothes on , for few days before so they don't feel so new and irritable .
Comfortable clothing for the children after main event and photos , to reduce there irritation if they find clothes annoying .
Ensure there is food and drinks they like in there chill zone , that there is something food wise they eat on the menu.
You have plenty of time to think things though and get dd2 a little present for being so good whilst you been away.

PolterGoose · 18/03/2014 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 19:08

Thank you all again I know deep down leaving her at home is right but it just makes her difficulties even clearer . Ds will need a lot of support so it would be impossible taking both younger ones

OP posts:
salondon · 18/03/2014 22:03

I have a lump in my throat Imagining myself in your position. Hugs

Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 22:08

Salondon thank you that means more to me than you can imagine thank you

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zzzzz · 18/03/2014 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
autumnsmum · 18/03/2014 22:44

Zzzz. Thank you job lot made me smile!

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claw2 · 19/03/2014 08:13

I would have no qualms about leaving ds at home, he wouldn't want to go and wouldn't enjoy it. It would be a bit like asking him to eat a plate of worms!

Original poster
autumnsmum · 19/03/2014 08:28

Thank you claw I suppose it's that silly thing about expectation . It shouldn't matter but dd1 was a bridesmaid at a wedding when she was a few months older than dd2 and it has really focused on how severe her difficulties are

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OddFodd · 19/03/2014 08:38

I've had to manage my fantasies of what family life would be like because DS just doesn't enjoy things like weddings/shows/festivals. And if he has a meltdown, then I don't have a good time either. And I know that's really a sad thing to have to acknowledge.

Like claw said, it's like making him eat a plate of worms - he'd just hate it and actually I'd end up feeling awful having made him go through it.

Flappingandflying · 20/03/2014 17:32

I think you deserve to enjoy your mum's wedding without being on tenterhooks. Personally, I'd leave any small child behind because small children and weddings just don't mix very well and I think you should look at it as some respite for yourself.