DLA and rude people

[sami1985]

Hi. A girl I worked with found out that I received DLA for my DS. He has ASD, ADHD and epilepsy, but if you met him you probably wouldn't know it, unless you had a chat with him. We face all kinds of difficulties in life, but we pretty much do OK.

Anyway, she said that I shouldn't claim it as I don't need it, and there's no reason he needs any more money to live than a child who doesn't have special needs. I told her I was obviously entitled to it as my claim was successful, but she gave the opinion that I should opt not to have it and that I was basically a drain on tax payers.

I sincerely hope she never has a child with special needs, but what she said did get to me, and made me feel bad. Has anyone else encountered this attitude?

Sami x

Unfortunately, the world is full of ignorant arseholes. You need some rhino hide cream.

Besides, technically, it's your DS's money, not yours.

If my son didn't get dla he wouldn't have any speech therapy so I don't feel at all guilty.

My son is able to have horse riding lessons which he loves and finds very therapeutic. I wouldn't be able to afford this for him if he didn't get DLA. But her point of view is that parents with kids without special needs have to pay out their own pocket so why shouldn't I?

I guess she's just made me question myself.

She obviously has no idea of the extra time, supervision and care your child needs compared to an average child of his age.

We did not apply for DLA for Dd3 until the end of last year, I wish we had because when I filled the form in I realised how much extra I do for her!

Ignore this woman she is being ridiculous

If your DS didn't deserve DLA he wouldn't have been awarded it. Please don't question yourself. Your friend needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself.

Sadly I don't think complaints about DLA for invisible disabilities are rare. I've known some parents of NT children who complain about ASD or ADHD children getting DLA. Funnily enough they're not so jealous of the behaviours that lead to the DLA award in the first place. .

You can't change people's minds: the best you can do is disregard what they're saying.

Well I struggled with this attitude myself ( and still do if I am honest). Ds was 9 before we claimed DLA for him, and suddenly I could afford some of the therapy he so desperately needed but had gone 9 years mostly without. Not all of course, but some. Then I felt guilty for NOT claiming it!! Its not supposed to be for therapy and appliances but frankly how else do you pay for it when you cannot work much because of your child's high needs and the NHS is skeletal with therapy for developmental conditions - (no speech therapy till able to say 3 word sentences - ds was at school before that - no OT for children over 7 - ds was 7 by the time his referral was finally accepted and immediately discharged as too old)
Horse riding can be very therapeutic, both in developing balance and motor skills, and things like empathy and communication. NT children develop theses skills much more easily.

If it wasn't a danger to your child, the easy way to silence the objections would be to let her care for him for a month. Then see if she is as ignorant.

Yup - from my son's dad last year (it wasn't me who told him btw!). I wouldn't mind, but he earns a good wage and doesn't pay maintenance!

I won't sully this forum with my response to him.

Thanks everyone, from your responses I feel much better about things now. The lady has also told me that now I work I should give my council home back and private rent or buy, as they are only for people who are desperate! I think she is just anti benefits in every form. I wouldn't mind so much but I pay full rent etc! cheeky cow lol.

Obviously someone to ignore then!

I'd be very tempted to tell her she'd find like-minded people on mumsnet in the AIBU board. The posters on there would soon rip her to shreds gently educate her!

Sheesh, there's always one. My DSIL makes similar comments because she works part time, can't pay her bills because she pisses it up the wall every weekend because she deserves it because she works! and everyone else is a drain yet she hasn't declined her weekly payment of child benefits or tax credits , I usually have a little think about what to cook for tea or how I simply must give my skirting boards a wipe down when she starts chatting shit.

I like Levi's suggestion!

Tbh I think the best way forward is not to tell people. No-one asks me if we claim it and I don't offer the information. The most I ever say to people is that we have some help with some bits and pieces and there is help available that we don't currently take (respite etc) but I don't go into details, I keep it vague. If someone asked you how much you were earning you wouldn't tell them. My heart does sink though when I hear people taking that attitude and it makes me question myself too, even though my son was awarded it til he was 16 once the medical reports became available.

I don't tell anyone (apart from the several thousand of you who read this!!) that I get lower rate DLA for my dd, she doesn't 'look' as though she 'needs' it, but clearly it has been decided that it's necessary.

BTW my DS claims DLA he has swimming lessons, and purchased his own laptop and recumbent bike to help with his hypermobility. Pays to go to cubs which helps with his social difficulties. It also helps with his little obsessions e.g train magazines which are 8.99 a pop every 2 weeks, N-Gauge train set he is building rather than go out and face the little toe rags in the street. All of this we would never be able to do.

It would be very intresting to see god forbid should she ever have a child with special need if she would actually turn down DLA for her child, I suspect not. She obviously see's DLA as a gift, but I can tell you that its certainly something I wished my child didn't need. DLA is vital to help our children access resources that will enhance their learning and social skills.

Yup, I would much rather my son didn't face the difficulties he does, than receive the money, for sure! But he does have them so the money helps.

Thanks for being supportive guys, its made me feel a lot better anyway!

My friend has been similar - in that she keeps commenting on not being able to afford things for her children (that I pay for DS to do with his DlA) and how she doesn't think those things are important anyway.

I did point out that hers are given money to go off on their own etc and it adds up but I have to go with DS and therefore I don't get a break either.

Thing is before I was awarded I was struggling financially (eg buying the only boxers he'll wear monthly as he has poo issues and they get stained). So now those things are paid for by his DLA and I have the 'house ' money spare.
He also does swimming, cubs, and we do SN evenings at soft play etc.

I've struggled with thinking I get a higher amount than I thought I would get - but when filling out the forms I realised it wasn't 'normal' to be up with a 9yo in the night because they can't toilet alone and often leave taps/ lights on etc. and how much I actually do spend time doing stuff with him/ promoting him etc.

She always mentioned his DLA when I talk about him needing stuff - as in 'at least you can afford it now you get DLA for him'. She doesn't even know the rate we get!

Some peoples 'jealousy' is seriously misplaced.

I never tell anyone about getting DLA - not even family. The only people I have notified are any official bodies, i.e tax credits etc, or other families of children with disabilities. I just know I'd get this kind of reaction from some people and life is too short to stress about what they think. It's bad enough with things like getting a taxi to school and his cinema card.

blastedlibrary Yes! Jealousy about school transport! Same here! WTF is that about? Do people seriously want their child to have a disability and not be able to attend their local school so they can get a free bus or taxi? Unbelievable. Staggering really. I try to be positive about life generally, so I am upbeat about these things, maybe that doesn't help? I should be handwringing and looking for sympathy more, then it would be all right.

DS2 gets dla and I recently applied for it for DS4. My mum keeps telling me what a drain on the tax payer they are and that we shouldn't be claiming it. DS2's dla all goes on bus fares and ds4's if he gets it will hopefully help with expensive hospital stays and DH's unpaid leave everytime DS4 has an operation or MRI under GA.